Unrealistic Desire: Fears And Ways Of Sharing Them To Someone

by Reid on May 30, 2021

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Unrealistic Desire: Fears And Ways Of Sharing Them To Someone

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “I would love you to talk about the fear that one’s desires are too unrealistic or niche to express or share with anyone.” I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ staying right by my side our viewing-impaired listeners.

Cathy: Yes and I think that’s a beautiful question because a lot of times we don’t talk about sex, we’re not sitting around the water pool or going “Yeah, my mower broke down you know the babysitter was… was late again and I had this fantasy, but I was afraid to talk to my partner about it because it’s really kind of you you know don’t know if I could tell you” like we don’t normalize it and what’s in our head starts feeling like oh, that’s scary. So I think that a lot of us have fantasies that we don’t share a lot, well a lot of people don’t ever share them with their partners.

Reid: No, I mean you also have rights to your privacy like some fantasies

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: you want to keep yourself like it’s not..you’re not a bad partner if you have things that you keep from them, especially if you can talk about that you have things that you keep from each other and one of those that you can give permission to each other for is fantasies

Cathy: Yeah, and I really love you define you shared this with me, I’m sure you didn’t come to the idea but erotic is something that is a fun fantasy in our head, but we may not want to do it, sensual…the sensual thing is like I really want to experience this or you did, right?

Reid: I mean I came up with my version of it.

Cathy: Okay, well

Reid: Like I don’t know it worked. I actually…it probably came from Betty Martin and then the book that Betty Martin recommended, Jack…Jack somebody

Cathy: Oh, yeah

Reid: who passed away. Jack you’re awesome, sorry that you passed away called The Erotic Mind. I was also influenced heavily by the thinking and words of Marcia Baczynski, Sheri Winston, Carol Queen like there’s and there’s a buttload more that I could name

Cathy: No pun intended?

Reid: No pun intended, but yeah, I mean for me the way that I like to teach it is there’s a distinction between what’s erotic and what’s sensual. Erotic is what turns your brain on, and sensual are sensations or experiences that turn your body on and it just helps to make the distinction.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And then fantasy tends to live in the brain

Cathy: The erotic

Reid: The erotic brain and doesn’t have to do with reality at all and actually

Cathy: sometimes

Reid: never has to ever be fulfilled on even if it’s a thing you could actually go to do.

Cathy: What I, what I really love is when I have partners that I can be close enough to and then over time, I built up a trust and I can share, it’s really hot when someone whispers something in my ear that matches  one of my erotic fantasies and there’s just a bonding in closeness when especially if the other person doesn’t feel like “you must do the thing I’m telling you is just I’m sharing this with you.” There’s a space for it to build closeness and understanding of each other. And I think we all have things that are pretty niche or…or you know unrealistic I guess is what the word they used that are out there but that doesn’t mean that can’t turn us on.

Reid: Oh, yeah. Again, like what’s erotic doesn’t have to do with anything about it being possible or not, right?

Cathy: Right

Reid: Or logical or whatnot, like what turned you on just turns you on. And also the idea of the turn on of just having something that is taboo or hidden, the idea of sharing something and getting turned on because you’re being vulnerable

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: which is hilarious because around sex and erotic turn on, there’s lots of “vulnerability” and turn on for some people in sharing it, right? Like “Whoooo! I let the cat out of the bag,” whereas you know for a lot of people I know would be way more vulnerable to share your…your debit card pin number

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: But that doesn’t like “I’m getting so turned on that I told you you know my pin number. Hahaha.” Like that doesn’t work.

Cathy: It’s not the same thing.

Reid: It’s not the same thing.

Cathy: Yeah, so

Reid: I mean, maybe for somebody out there, maybe? Maybe?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: like while we’re having sex you’re like whispering your pin number in my  ear.

Cathy: Well, I think it’s okay to have whatever fantasies you do and to build up trust you don’t have to go up to a new lover and say, “I can tell you this thing,” that feels really corner your identity and very personal.

Reid: And the flip side like for some people until they feel safe and connected with you, you telling them your fantasies could be too much too soon, right? ‘Coz that’s a private thing. I don’t want to be that deep in your mind yet.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Right?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And some people feel responsible that if you tell me your fantasies

Cathy: I’ve got to go and do it.

Reid: Now, I have to do it somehow.

Cathy: Yeah, so again, I….you know if there’s plenty of stuff out there, the internet, you can find out the other people if you go to Fetlife, there’s a lot of people probably talking about whatever “unrealistic” or taboo thing or niche thing you’re talking about

Reid: And for those of you who don’t know, Fetlife is kind of like a Facebook for kinky people so just be forewarned

Cathy:  Yeah

Reid: Don’t click on things you can’t unclick.

Cathy: So but yeah, just to normalize it that there’s probably…there’s nothing wrong and it’s okay to feel what you feel and share when you feel ready

Reid: There you go, you can leave comments and as far as like sex and fantasy things if you have questions you can totally email me at Reid@ReidAboutSex.com because sex is kind of a thing I do.

Cathy: Thanks very much Reid.

Reid: You’re welcome.

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