How Do I Handle It If Someone Says I’m Stuck Up?
Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “Hi. I’m a college student and I’m wondering what I should do when someone said that I was…told me that I was stuck up. How would you handle that?”
I am here with the amazing Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: and that is the voice of Cathy Vartuli introducing me of http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: And it’s hard if someone tells you you’re stuck up or you’re not acting in a way that they enjoy. Sometimes people come from different perspectives but one of the things that I’d stole from Reid that I really like is “Would you tell me more” because what one person means by stuck up might mean something entirely different to someone else so if you say would you tell me more about that if you’re in this space where you can do that it gives them a chance to articulate and it’s like “Wow you just walk right pass me the other day and didn’t say hi.” And you’re like “I didn’t see you.” So like you might be able to resolve it, it might not actually be an issue before you take it in as like “Wow is there something I need to change?”
Reid: You might be stuck up and that’s okay I mean people call me all kinds of things and what I think is useful is the ability to just be present with people when you can because you know words hurt and and be like “Thank you for telling me that like do you want to tell me more like what…what is or what occurs to you as me being stuck up?”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: This is also jiu-jitsu because a stuck up person wouldn’t say thank you and ask somebody to put more information and don’t ask for more information if the person is actually being abusive or being a you know
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: an I want to say asshole but assholes are really great actually they’re you know like
Cathy: They’re pretty amazing.
Reid: They’re cool
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: they’re cool amazing things so douchebag…douchebag that we can say. Yeah, so your mileage may vary but I think whenever anybody offers me something even if it’s an insult, again as a tall white guy running around but also as an ex-New Yorker I’m like “Thank you for telling me to go fuck myself.”
Cathy: How would you suggest they do that?
Reid: “Is there more?” Like but I’m also jiu-jitsuing what they’re doing to myself because I’m thanking them and I’m curious but that’s coming from an extrovert you know.
Cathy: Yeah, well I’m an introvert but I still I find it very useful to ask people to tell me more when I’m in the space where I can do that.
Reid: I also think it would depend out also on who’s telling you
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: you stuck up
Cathy: is this a friend or is this someone just random person
Reid: your lover
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Your….is it a random stranger like
Cathy: Yeah and one of the other things I’ve found is that different people have different expectations. We have a video on expectations versus agreements and someone may have an expectation of where your friendship or relationship is and what they can expect from you and they’ve never articulated it and you may not be meeting what their expectation is and so when you say “would you tell me more and talk a little bit further” some of that stuff might become more conscious and you’re like “No I never said I was gonna call you three times a day.”
Reid: Another thing, they might think you’re stuck up because you’re enforcing your boundaries.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So if you have boundaries maybe they’re not aware of them but then they because stuck up to me means like aloof better than and again like in today’s soul culture if you actually know what your needs are and have boundaries and you can enforce them, some people will think that that’s stuck up because you’re not martyring yourself for everyone.
Cathy: And…and some people will actually use insult as a way to try to break down your boundaries when you’re…you’re actually saying “No, I don’t want to do this thing it’s not right for me.” So we hope this helped.
Reid: I don’t think you stuck up that you even ask this question.
Cathy: Yeah most people that are genuinely stuck up wouldn’t ask if they were stuck up.
Reid: I think Cathy is stuck up. Hit subscribe. I’m just joking about Cathy. I want you to hit subscribe.