How Can You Share That You Want To Go Deeper Into A Relationship While Staying Grounded?
Cathy: So we’re just doing a video talking about how you can transition from casual sex into a relationship and how you might want to have that conversation and I really liked when Reid was role modeling, I like the energy he had and we wanted to talk about how you can do that without feeling off-balance.
I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: And I am here with Cathy Vartuli of http://theintimacydojo.com/
Cathy: Yes, so one of the things he did when he was sharing…can you just quickly role model for people that didn’t see it, how you said it?
Reid: Or we can just tell them to go watch the first video.
Cathy: You can go watch the first video.
Reid: Boom.
Cathy: When he was saying that he…he was starting he was role modeling that he was you know we’ve…it was special
Reid: I was role modeling that I’m I am noticing that I’m having feels like we’re you know we’ve been casual lovers for however long and I’m just letting you know like I’m….I’m catching myself having feels like in the way that I catch myself having feels is like I’m thinking about what it would be like for us to date, we’re like when we’re really in it I’m like “What would it be like if Cathy and I moved in together and then planted flowers and intended a garden?” Like I’m just letting you know like that’s what I’m catching my brain doing
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: I totally have it under control
Cathy: Right
Reid: but I just wanted to let you know because if you are…are sensitive to energy or like me after all this time you might notice me being weird it’s probably that I’m it’s my feel I’m having feels weird, you don’t have to do anything about it. I figured I would mention it to you and if you are having feels too or would like to investigate us having feels for each other like we can have…we can make that a conversation.
Cathy: Are we planting daisies or daffodils?
Reid: Wow.
Cathy: No, I just…thank you for that. It was a joke.
Reid: I can’t believe it, you only have daisies or daffodils. The world is not binary Cathy, it’s already not going to work.
Cathy: So
Reid: Roses
Cathy: Oh, I like roses oh.
Reid: Roses
Cathy: [Laughing] So when he was sharing, I think for a lot of people myself included I don’t find that I’m attracted that way to a lot of people so when I do find someone it’s like I feel very vulnerable and like my identity is wrapped up in that and when Reid was sharing he was still very grounded and centered in himself, he was like “I am still me. I am still…” at least how it occurred to me outside like “I’m still me, I’m sharing something vulnerable and I’m still okay…”
Reid: Yeah, I’m not trying to pull your energy or like
Cathy: Yeah, I’m not trying
Reid: If you don’t
Cathy: to make it okay
Reid: if you don’t give me the right answer then
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: I will be crushed.
Cathy: Yeah like I didn’t feel like I had to take care of him, I really felt like he had that handled like and that felt really safe so I could listen careful listen well and easily and I felt like if I said “Oh, that’s not how I’m feeling” like he would have it handled and I wasn’t it wouldn’t necessarily end a great casual sex relationship, might but at least just
Reid: No, well I mean if it were it would just be because “Oh hey just so you know I’m having the feels for a relationship and so I can no longer be having I can I can no longer be responsible for keeping thing cas… like keeping things casual.”
Cathy: Right
Reid: And then but that’s a very adult conversation to have about something you know that’s casual, right?
Cathy: But you’re handling it very adult-like
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: you felt very…he was contained it in himself versus like “I need you, I want you like you need to make me okay around this.” So that…I just I think that that’s really important and it’s hard sometimes to get there when we’re…we feel like our identity is wrapped up for that.
Reid: Well it can also be it can also be hard to get there if you’re starving
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: like if you’ve been waiting for five years for a real relationship to really like somebody and…and you know having a casual relationship you get really clear that this might be somebody you want to make a go of with, I mean that this isn’t the same but I think this is a decent analogy
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: ….is if you’ve been waiting to have a child and you just haven’t met the right person and then you met somebody and you’re like “Oh shit like I think you might I might want you to be the father or the mother of my kid.” I think societally speaking, we get like “Oh well like that’s a thing, like that could happen.” But we don’t think we don’t take casual sex seriously enough to be like “Oh yeah that is kind of a thing like you being casual, everything’s fine and then something shifts” and now you have to really have a grown-up conversation
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: about this.
Cathy: Well, I think it can really help too. Reid tends…he said earlier that he speaks up right away and I think if we’re kind of sitting on and trying to decide it “Do I risk it?” We
Reid: That is your signal to speak up
Cathy: Yeah but if we’re more
Reid: in my opinion
Cathy: often when we’re trying….we’ll try things on, humans tend to try things on to see if it’s worthwhile and we’ll create possibility and daydream about things like we’re talking about the flowers like “I could just see the picket fence and the flowers.” And we
Reid: That’s what you know talk about it.
Cathy: Right but the sooner you talk about it like if you start daydreaming and I encourage my clients to talk early if they can because once we start getting attached to the possibility it’s really hard to let go and it’s hard to keep our own balance because we’re like “I have already gone down or I know what the wedding dress would look like.”
Reid: “Here’s the erotic novel I’ve written about us in our happy flowers it’s not just daffodils.”
Cathy: It’s roses too
Reid: Read it.
Cathy: But it is like there….there’s that possibility and the attachment to the outcomes that can pull people off…off balance.
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: And just practicing speaking up and practicing like “Okay. Oh, I got off balance but I can come back to me. I’m still okay I you know like I can take care of myself.” So
Reid: What do you think? What are your thoughts? These are actually complex things like societally speaking you know like taking your casual sex seriously and then how do you have a grown-up conversation about liking, liking somebody?
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: These are not things that are normally just talked about.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So what do you think?
Cathy: Yeah and we really appreciate you writing the questions, they’re great. Please leave more below, leave comments, subscribe or share this video.
Reid: And more importantly before you go in the comments below, what flowers would you plant daffodils, roses, what was the other one?
Cathy: Daisies
Reid: Daisies
Cathy: Or little bit of both
Reid: What would you plant?
Cathy: Thanks, everyone.