How Can I Transition From Casual Sex To Relationship?

by Reid on August 30, 2019

How Can I Transition From Casual Sex To Relationship?



Cathy: So we were talking in some…a video where we just shot about how to initiate sex if you’re out on a date or hanging out with someone that might be a friend like you’re not sure and this person wrote in and said, “I know I have some casual sex protocol weak spots and I’m looking forward to the program that they just purchased from you. On the other hand, how do I initiate or negotiate entering into a relationship with someone? I feel that during the first couple of dates especially the first one or even the first one I can broach casual sex and set boundaries on things that will keep it pleasurable, balanced, and healthy. However, I feel like talking about having a relationship with someone isn’t really a first rating fifth date topic because you don’t know the person well enough to know whether a relationship with…with them would work but if someone something has moved for if we’re in just casual sex area, how can I talk about transitioning from casual sex to a relationship?”

And I’m sitting here with Reid Mihalko from

Reid: And that’s Cathy Vartuli from if you haven’t figured that out already. Hmmm, yeah cool. So I…the way do you have a…I have thoughts but do you…I’m interested in your thoughts.

Cathy: Do you want me to start? You were interested in my thoughts?

Reid: Yes. Cathy will now… Cathy Vartuli of The Intimacy Dojo will now share her thoughts.

Cathy: Sometimes you can’t stop me. So I think talking about it like just sitting down and saying “Hey, I’m noticing that I really enjoy our time together.” And I’ve had this conversation before it’s like “Wow this feels kind of special like I’ve…”

Reid: On a first date?

Cathy: Not on a first date

Reid: but it’s not with their scenario

Cathy: They’re asking…you know they said that he didn’t or he or she said they didn’t know if it was a first date conversation

Reid: Oh

Cathy: but they’re asking about how to transition from casual sex arena to like you’re having casual sex with someone and that’s what you negotiated and now you’re like “Huh, this feels really like I might want to take this further.”

Reid: Got it.

Cathy: So it is for me, I always find it very awkward and I feel shy like “I’ve already agreed on this. I shouldn’t be having feelings, I shouldn’t be interested anymore.” But talking to someone like Hey, I’m noticing that this feels kind of special like I’m really enjoying our time together without bring out that reaction to you like he’s

Reid: I don’t know

Cathy: looking now…you’re looking now all startled

Reid: Is this whole video just you declaring your undying love for me, Cathy?

Cathy: I was talking to them.

Reid: Are you…how do I know that you’re not the one who submitted this question?

Cathy: Well it’s

Reid: Dan, dan, dan!

Cathy: it’s actually spelled much better than I would do.

Reid: Oh! Oh!

Cathy: Bad spelling, bad spelling

Reid: Spell check before you send stuff to Cathy everyone

Cathy: No, he said they spoke better than I do.

Reid: Oh, oh okay, I take it back.

Cathy: Yeah, no I’m a, I’m a, I’m a

Reid: That’s true Cathy’s

Cathy: really best. He corrects

Reid: apostrophes — it’s and its

Cathy: They’re random

Reid: Bad

Cathy: I feel like it’s an equal distribution, they should be as distributed evenly throughout the sentence.

Reid: Wow, okay so punctuation aside.

Cathy: No, so like I’ve taught…I’ve had the conversation where I was having a casual sex relationship with someone and I was starting to feel

Reid: feels

Cathy: feels and I tend to be less direct than you. I was a

Reid: that’s an [Inaudible 00:03:12]

Cathy: Wow.

Reid: Ouch

Cathy: Wow. I’m just going to go over here quietly by myself like

Reid: It’s okay, I’ll take over. No, come on. Come back, come back.  I hope that…I hope you’re enjoying this.

Cathy: [Laughing] I’m not.

Reid: ‘coz we are. Okay, so I’m way direct in you but

Cathy: Yes but I was like the like I would express like this felt really good like “I’m…it feels kind of special to me. I’m wondering how it felt for you?”

Reid: And you would be saying it that way because you’re testing whether or not

Cathy: Well, I’m…I’m sharing

Reid: they have feels

Cathy: I’m sharing genuinely what I felt. I’m like kind of like broaching the topic but not like “Hey, I know we said casual sex but I think I have feels. Do you want to go further?” Like to me, that feels very direct and uncomfortable.

Reid: Okay

Cathy: So I would rather like me I mean I think I mean clear enough maybe I’m not. I love feedback.

Reid: What’s the difference between the way you did it and the way I did it as far as like

Cathy: So how would you do it? Casual relationship, you’re interested in in relationship you can making it more romantic or

Reid: Well, I mean again, you know I don’t…there’s not a documentary follow me around on the kinds of casual sex I have

Cathy: Yes

Reid: like a Jane Goodall

Cathy: Yes

Reid: like I have I have been living over three then all of this hookups

Cathy: We’re hiding the bushes watching

Reid: for the last two months. I believe that that they’re beginning to accept me now, they’ve forgotten about the cameras. I don’t know what that’s not how Jane Goodall talks but

Cathy: Sorry Jane

Reid: Yes Jane if you’re watching. The… I, I tend to not over talk like “Oh my god Reid shut up” but more like “Hey, here are the things I wonder about.”

Cathy: Okay so can you, well could you role model?

Reid: So well but like so if I was if I was having casual sex with somebody and I was starting to have feels, as soon as I noticed I was having feels I would be like “Hey, I’m noticing I’m having feels.”

Cathy: Okay

Reid: So where I think a lot of people

Cathy: But you mean that

Reid: now that might be

Cathy: I might not like I might not get like feels like what does that mean?

Reid: Yeah but then we have a conversation. Where I think a lot of people start to falter is they notice that they’re having feels and then all this time happens while they’re trying to get courage to speak up about it.

Cathy: Okay so if you said

Reid: which to me feels like torture

Cathy: Yeah

Reid:  so I blurt things out sooner than later because I…I can’t handle that torture well.

Cathy: Okay so say…someone said like you said you had your

Reid: I like you.

Cathy: What does that mean?

Reid: Yes

Cathy: Can you explain? Like I would

Reid: I wouldn’t do it in that voice. I’d be like “I like you. Yeah”

Cathy: He’s stroking his beard like

Reid: No, it would the way it would it would be is like “Oh hey, I’m noticing something.”

Cathy: Okay what’s that?

Reid: Like “This feels really special to me so like I’m…I’m crushing on you.” I copped when I’m crushing on people as immediately and I just tell them “Hey just you know I’m crushing on you. I have a lot of crushing energy around you, I can totally handle it like I can I can…not shut it down but like it doesn’t have to spill on you or I can tell you when I’m crushing on you like what feels best for you?”

Cathy: I like that you added I can handle it like there’s no pressure

Reid: Yeah so at the same time like if I’m starting to have feels it’s kind of simple like it’s very rinse and repeat for me it’s oh so I’m starting to have feels, I’m starting to catch myself thinking about us like dating, dating not being casual. I can totally handle all that but I just thought I’d one, let you know so I wasn’t hiding something from you because that’s weird and creates weirdness for me but also let you know that like if you see me being weird it’s because I like you. I can handle all that but like how does it like do you want to, do you have any preferences on how I handle it? Do you like me like me too like…like and then I’m just having a conversation about what’s a good fit.

Cathy: Yeah and I really loved how you shared that and I’d like to come back and do another video about how Reid is handling his energy around that because it’s felt very easy to receive first. I think a lot of people are if we don’t find a lot of people see…yeah, that’s a little creepy. It’s very creepy.

Reid: Come back to another video with Cathy.

Cathy: Help, help!

Reid: Tell them to hit subscribe for us.

Cathy: Please hit subscribe

Reid: Hit subscribe for us, for us.

Cathy: For us. Yeah, come back we’ll do another video.

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