What do you watch for to know when to pull out?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and SexGeekSummerCamp.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Focus! What are we working on? This is Cathy Vartuli, from TheIntimacyDojo.com .
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko, for ReidAboutSex.com .
Reid: We have a question.
Cathy: You actually started this as a joke, but I actually want to know. How do you know when to pull out?
Reid: Wow. Okay.
Cathy: No, I’m serious. Like when do the sensations … Like what do you pay attention to?
Reid: Oh, this is a real question?
Cathy: It’s a real question.
Reid: This is good, okay. So how do you know when to pull out? Well first off as a sex geek and as a sex educator hope that you are wearing a condom so that … The reason you’re pulling out is because you had a conversation with the person that you’re penetrating, and asked them if and when I were to ejaculate how would you like that to happen? Like should I come inside you? Would you like me to pull out? What’s there?
It’s a really interesting situation that even I … Like I’m trying to remember to ask that question more often, because no one asks that question of people who are being penetrated. Then mostly I want to ask for a lot of reasons, but mostly I want to ask because one of the reasons I want to see what they do, like what’s their face, because they’re like I’ve never had anyone ask me that ever. I’m like, “Well how do you want this to go?”
Now, this is also really useful if you’re getting head, you’re receiving head, and you’re a penis owner that has the ability to ejaculate, check in with that person. Be like, “Hey, just before you really get into what you’re doing when I’m close to the thing, the point of no return and I’m going to ejaculate, how do you like that to happen?”
Cathy: Right. Some people love to have people ejaculate in their mouth or inside them. Some people want it on their chest or …
Reid: It’s polite. It’s polite to ask.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: And savvy. What you end up doing is for those of us who enjoy giving head we’re not like doing our thing being like …
Cathy: Is it okay?
Reid: It’s going to happen, what’s going to happen? Like you-
Cathy: Well, and if I don’t want someone to come in my mouth for example. If I’ve had that conversation I’m not thinking is it close, should I pull away? It’s actually it’s addressed.
Reid: Are they going to be a ninja and not say anything? Are they going to like scream, like I’m coming! These are all things you can alleviate by bringing it up and checking in. If you’re not perfect at this yet, I’m not even perfect at it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing the work to get better and more awesome. In a world where nobody is asking you become awesome and amazing. If you’re the one receiving you can ask them. Like hey, when you get close to coming-
Cathy: Please pull out I don’t want you to come in my mouth.
Reid: Here’s what I would like to have happen, but like this is a collaborative conversation. What are your choices? What are your preferences? That-
Cathy: You still can attend though. So, if you’re not a yes-
Reid: Yes.
Cathy: You can attend that.
Reid: Like hey, don’t come in me-
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: No matter-
Cathy: You can come on my shoulders or in your hand, but don’t come in my mouth.
Reid: Shoulder? Which is it left shoulder? It’s like-
Cathy: Just this shoulder not this one.
Reid: This one I have a little rotator cuff issue, so could you get this one. Then you could be like kind of like a-
Cathy: Shot.
Reid: Like a Matrix movie. All right that aside, how do you know when to pull out? Let’s get back to the original question.
Cathy: I think sometimes the simple questions like that can be really powerful, because people don’t talk about it. Like, how do you know what signals to watch for, what sensations do to tune to?
Reid: The way that you know is you practice your masturbation, and you make it a practice to actually become present to the sensations in your body when you know you are about to ejaculate. What I would recommend, because I’m a dork and I’m married, what you want to do is you want to practice a thing called edging. Which is masturbating to get really close to orgasm and just kind of hover on the edge of it and see if you can kind of like a race car in a James Bond film, like if you can like drive those windy roads-
Cathy: without going over.
Reid: Of arousal without falling off the cliff. Right. So getting to understand. Again, if you fail with masturbation and you come it’s not a horrible … You don’t tumble down the cliff in a fiery death.
Cathy: You can also pay attention to how your body feels as you get close.
Reid: Yeah, so understand what your edges are like and get more use to that. I would also recommend buying a flesh light.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Which is a male masturbater, penis owner masturbater, because of the way that flesh lights are created … Flesh light is not paying me for this video. I’m just a big fan of their product, because of the way it’s designed. It gives you an opportunity, because you can stuff it in your couch cushions and hump it.
Cathy: And hump it.
Reid: In between a pillow or something, or even have a friend hold it. Like hey can you hold this for a minute? That would be awesome. That’s a great video. We got to shoot that video, but your-
Cathy: Make sure it’s consensual.
Reid: You’re using the motions and the sensation to again learn how to tell when you’re getting really close to coming. Then the things that you learn from edging and from edging with a flesh light is how to kind of … You learn your breaking distance. Which is if you’re coming up to orgasm really quickly even if you try to stop you kind of skid off the cliff. So understanding how to judge how quickly you’re coming towards orgasm so that you can back off. For pulling out you want to pull out before you’re prostate starts pumping. Again, my advice is that unless you’re fluid bonded, and go get tested before you decide to be fluid bonded with people, and that if you’re sleeping with other people you’re using condoms with everybody else. If you’re on birth control, because again people can still get pregnant, depending on who you’re fucking, pull out before the orgasm starts to happen.
Cathy: Would you be willing to share some of the sensations? Normally everybody is a little different, but to normalize it, what are sensations you feel in your body that tell you that you’re close?
Reid: It is a lot of tension and the feel good tingles inside my pelvis. Kind of it feels like the middle or the base of my cock inside, because the erection continues to go on the inside. It’s like this wave, this build up of tension and it’s about to explode wave of pleasure. Then as it start … Like as I go over the edge of tumbling into orgasm I should already be out. Then the other thing to understand about pulling out, because you can do it with a condom, because I have lovers who like to be ejaculated on, but we use condoms for fucking. Another option is I pull out, I pull the condom off, and then I tada.
Cathy: Will they help you?
Reid: Yeah. Well, the … Yeah, that too. These are all things that you can do, but again it’s all based on knowing when and how close you are to the actual ejaculation.
Cathy: Yeah, but knowing what to pay attention to is really useful.
Reid: Then the wrong thing to do is to come and then pull out. Don’t do that. That’s not what pulling out is.
Cathy: Right, great.
Reid: Leave the comments.
Cathy: Yeah. We’d love to know what your questions are, what your thoughts are, and hopefully what’s up.
Reid: Pull out.