If You’re Demi-Sexual, Can You Balance Your Relationships?

by Reid on September 14, 2017

Hispanic couple smiling at each otherIf you need to have an emotional connection with your play partners, how do you deal with a community that is more “slutty”?

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: If you’re demi-sexual, meaning that you like to have an emotional connection with someone you’re sleeping with. 

Reid: I thought denim sexual and it was about jeans. 

Cathy: I’m sorry guys. 

Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. 

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. 

Reid: What’s the question? 

Cathy: If someone is demi-sexual, meaning that they want to have an emotional connection with a person. 

Reid: That’s what that means? Demi-sexual? I didn’t know that. I really didn’t. That’s great. That’s a cool word. 

Cathy: Yes. There is some people like you just sleep with anyone and they don’t even have to know their name, that’s fine. There is some people that like to have an emotional connection, like I have to like somebody. I can’t just fuck somebody. I have to at least respect them and know their name and feel comfortable with them. 

Reid: Okay. 

Cathy: There is nothing wrong with that at all but if you are in the poly community, especially if you are in a slutty poly community. 

Reid: Which and somebody submitted a question. 

Cathy: Yes. 

Reid: Kind of asking. Thank you again. We love your questions. 

Cathy: Keep them coming. She is kind of having, she is struggling a little bit because she wants to fit into her community and she has been trying to sleep with people and enjoy it without having a trappings of love she likes to have, the deeper love connection and she is also having a hard time with her partners being more sexual and feeling like they are going to leave her because in her mind she feels like they have to be in love to sleep with the person and if you are in love, you are going to leave. 

Reid: God. 

Cathy: She is asking how can she balance this. 

Reid: This a great question because there is a lot of stuff happening all in this one question. My big bits of advice if you have poly community or non-monogamous community around you, meet ups, poly pot locks and things like that, go hang out with some poly folk and like interview people on how they do it because it’s, I think it’s just really healing to see how other people deal with it and how other people struggle with it.

The first thing is like you are not alone, you are not the only person who is exploring non-monogamy and figuring out like I like having sex with people I care a lot about. 

Cathy: Right and everybody is different on how much they need, how much like I don’t need to be in love to have sex. Some people want to be in love and there is nothing wrong. 

Reid: One of the answers with, it’s not necessarily, it might not be your self-expression or even somebody that you are dating or trying to sleep with it or sleeping with, if your self-expression is that you need more intimate connection and emotional connection before you have sex, then like that’s great, that’s you and we want you to be you.

I would also say explore more crayons in your crayon box of what sex is, so that you can find like making out, whatever other kinds of sex or taking showers or exchanging erotic massages or whatever. Where are the things that are fun for you, things to do with people as you get to know them that fulfill your needs for intimacy, connection and sensuality because especially in American culture, sensuality means sex and there are so many other things that can be there and then as you learn more about yourself, you’ll have more choices and options to be able to play with people and connect with them and then as you… If you want to use those crayons, use those crayons and then when and if it’s appropriate and you feel comfortable and you are connected with somebody for “the sex”, then have fun. Obviously don’t try to do things that don’t work for you and trying to force yourself to do anything. It is not usually, doesn’t really work for people and then date your species like date other people who are a good fit for where you are at and what works for you and if somebody is not a good fit, they are just not a good fit. It’s nothing personal. 

Cathy: I love what you said about interviewing another people because I remember when I first started hanging out with some more poly crowd and I go to play parties and to me it look like everybody was sleeping with everybody and that’s not my expression. 

Reid: The reality, they are not all sleeping with each other. 

Cathy: No. 

Reid: It just feels and looks like that. 

Cathy: To me from an outsider point of view, I didn’t know they knew each other. It just kind of seem like everyone is just fucking and ramming with people. But what happens a lot of times is people will come with a little pod or will come in a little group and they might just sleep with that group or they might pull in other people but there is different expressions. You might go around and sleep with anybody you feel attracted to, whereas someone else may need to have a deeper connection, they might have known the person for years before they slept with them.

Just giving your self-permission to want what you want and allow yourself, there is nothing I wouldn’t try in other things, but not forcing yourself, don’t try to make yourself be something different to fit in in the community and even the poly part of it. Some people have close pods or some like open pods. You get to decide how do you want to express yourself. You don’t have to be someone else to be cool. 

Reid: Into the last piece real quick, if you have a lot of struggle with your partners sleeping with other people. One is poly, is non-monogamy really the fit for you but finding just kind of digging a little deeper and seeing what is that, that is actually challenging for you. Is it jealousy, is it envy, is it whatever is. 

Cathy: Does it really program while in the octopus and jealousy. 

Reid: There is ways to like figure out, that’s jealousy and this is how you handle jealousy and then again like if you are, even if you are poly, but your poly works better for you when you are not dating super sluts. Then don’t date super sluts and it sounds like simple but I think people don’t give themselves permission because they are trying to fit in and doing it the right way. 

Cathy: If you can find someone who you really like, you are like, “Oh, I want to be with this person.” You can like someone who is bad fit for you. 

Reid: I would say don’t date them because they are a bad fit but how do you figure that up. 

Cathy: That’s a great question. Thanks so much for asking it. Be vulnerable. Please leave questions or comments below. We’d love to know what you think. 

Reid: Hit subscribe once in a while. Why don’t you?

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