How Can You Tune Into Your Partners Arousal To Get More Turned On?

by Reid on August 18, 2017

Passionate Couple Having SexWant to create a feedback loop with your arousal and your partners? And build intense pleasure?

With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said…

Reid: Flowers

Cathy: Coming out on the top of your head?

Reid: Yep

Cathy: Oh, sorry.

Reid: What they say? We have writing people who write us and say nice things and ask this questions.

Cathy: Yes. Someone said she can feel her partner’s arousal energetically and she relates it. She wants to feel more about how can she tune in more, feel that more. Reid Mihalko from

Reid: I go by many names…

Cathy: Should we start again? 

Reid: Cathy Vartuli of No, no, no. These people… they like us.

Cathy: They know us.

Reid: Okay. Your [inaudible 00:00:37] or whatever in this situation, you’re feeling your partner’s arousal and that’s turning you on. Ideally, your turn on, your partner’s feeling that and so they’re getting the air flip and then there’s kind of like this loop where you’re both getting each other turned on. And-

Cathy: That’s amazing. I love it.

Reid: Yeah. For those of you who do not speak “woo-woo” fluently, that’s kind of a really basic idea or description of what a lot of people work on in tantra. The ability to be able to…

Cathy: Tune in.

Reid: To connect with your partners, tune in with your partners and then use that erotic energy, that sensuality, that arousal, to almost like you’re hang gliding like you’re catching a thermal draft and you can pick it up and go higher. For those who don’t speak “woo-woo”, you’re in luck. I’m a dork and a geek and I actually teaching workshop called Energetic Sex for Pragmatists which is some basic tantra approaches but not scripted the “woo-woo” because I think using the tantra vocabulary in the Sanskrit language for some people’s really helpful because we don’t have a lot of great words in English for nuanced sexuality and sensuality. For some people who work in corporate culture 9-to-5, you drag kids the soccer games and stuff.

Cathy: Energy means like electricity or… 

Reid: Yeah. So using Kundalini and Shakti and Kriya… using descriptive words from other languages could also help get you out of your 9-to-day work mode so that you can actually have access to things that mom and dad probably weren’t teaching you or culture wasn’t teaching you growing up. That’s the context.

What my advice is learning how to tune in more to your partner so that you can pick up more of that energy and arousal so that you can listen better. At the same time, leaning how to really maximize the pleasure of that turn in for yourself, which… while it might be erotic can turn your brain on, has a lot to do on how do you leverage what we know about our bodies and pleasure which has lot to do with your pelvic floor, certain positions, things like that.

Cathy: And it gets also important to do work on being present and self-acceptance during sex because if you’re going in your head, “Oh my God, I’m going to hold my stomach in and I can’t let them see me on this position because it might… boobs flop or whatever. It’s really hard to be present and if you’re not really present with the actual experience, there’s no way to tune in towards your partner’s feeling.

Reid: And that’s why literally for some people, sex is better in the dark because they know their partner can see them.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: They’re like, “Oh my boobs can be flopped all over your place, or this or that.

Cathy: Yeah. Talking about their shames that we might have and the fears, getting those on the way allows presence. You can’t have presence, you’re not going to… the amazing arouse you gave is not going to make a better difference.

Reid: What would your advice be for this person?

Cathy: Oh I think… I don’t want to interact yours but I like… basic first thing is just be present in your body in and out in the sensation your feeling. If you’re thinking, “Oh I should do this” or “Is this part over?” Unless you can be present with the actual experience, you’re not going to be able to tune in to the “woo-woo” stuff that could lead you to energy and feel that feedback. If you too caught up in your head, the shirts and [inaudible 00:04:18] and, “What I’m going to do tomorrow? I forgot to take the kid’s homework done…” or whatever. We can be so caught up in that so basic presence is the first step for this.

Reid: I think we’re going to shoot a video about this on presence by Cathy Vartuli. Other things to do, learning how the leverage and [inaudible 00:04:37] your body, your pelvic floor, certain positions that you can get into so that their arousal that your water skiing behind like it’s pulling you along, while that’s happening you’re really get interaction with your own body whereas your partner to put their hand here in this way so that you can uplift physical pleasure that you’re having and also learning how to up your partner’s physical pleasure where having them the uplift to themselves so that now it’s not just the energy of the arousal but its actual physical pleasure that your leveraging your body.

All that being said, two resources I have immediately that you can check out, you can go and there is my workshop on Energetic Sex for Pragmatists. I also have this 6 week workshop called Sex 10x which geeks on all this kind of stuff. And there’s some free videos there for you to check out if you want to go geek on that more. Just go there and figure out what works for you and avail yourself off of that. Other resources?

Cathy: Well, we’re talk about presence and some resources we can give there. I think just playing with it too. A lot of people start out in their first playing with energy. They imagine like… it’s putting energy in their hands and imagine that you can store energy and feel it. Just connecting with it and even doing that with a partner like you have energy between you like moving… yeah. There’s some really good exercise that you can do where you can learn to tune in because I don’t think we’re taught this in the society how to be aware with energy. We’re not taught as kids like, “Oh of course that’s energy what you’re feeling that really cool.” We’re taught to ignore it. So you re-tune your senses to it. You can feel a little bit weird.

Reid: From my pragmatist, like fuck energy, you too “woo-woo” for me, I have you cover my friends because I’m skeptic. So this cool thing, we know placebo effect is real and measureable and reproducible in studies, you don’t have to believe jack shit to have it enhance your sexuality.

Cathy: Placebo effect or whatever, if you feeling a lot more fun, why not?

Reid: There’s thing about breathing exercises where you’re oxygenating and dizzying endorphins and making sound, then being Yab Yum, all these things covered ad nausium in certain workshops of mine. Also check out Barbara Carellas’ Urban Tantra and a lot other workshops that Monique Darling teaches, and she’s always traveling, can be really useful and helpful. And you get to also geek out with my new people. 

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Leave some comments. Resources in the description.

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