What If Your Boyfriend Is Charming and You’re Jealous?

by Reid on November 4, 2015

Girl Does Not Want To Make Love With A GuyIf people are pulling on your partner who is charming, and you’re jealous, what do you do?

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Reid:    One of you amazing viewers just wrote in.

Cathy: She wrote in and said that, there’s been some jealousy and people that are kind of pulling at her boyfriend and, she’s feeling kind of overwhelmed. Her boyfriend happens to be pretty charming she says and has kind of a special effect on women and because of the jealousy and the conflict, not so much that she’s been jealous but other people have been kind of gossiping and getting in the way, she’s actually, some part of her brain is thinking of dumping him because of his charm and that’s, that can be really painful to be in a position where you really adore someone and the conflict that comes around other people kind of pulling can be very, it can be very uncomfortable.

Reid:    Yeah. Trying to think how to answer this. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com .

Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com .

Reid:    Yeah. So, let’s assume, that people who like people, might like people who are charming and then, they just continue being charming with everybody and that’s making problems.

Cathy: It can, like Reid happens to be incredibly charming and a lot of people want to spend time with him and I’ve had times when people wanted, were making friends with me because they thought that would get them closer to you and that didn’t feel good at all.

Reid:    Yeah, it’s not the best strategy. It’s wrong.

Cathy: No, cause you can usually tell after a little bit or I’ve had people physically pushed me out of the way when we were some place so that they could get closer to him and I’m like, that doesn’t feel good and so I can really, I have compassion for what you’re feeling. Why are you…?

Reid:    I’m just picturing this Black Friday shopping kind of.

Cathy: It kind of was Reid, it kind of was.

Reid:    Well so how did you handle that?

Cathy: Well, at the time I was relatively new to the community and I pouted for a while and then I talked to you about it. And I think, you know now I would say, “Excuse me,” or I might just say, “Wow, if I stay right there I’m going to be trampled, I’m going to go take a walk and come back when there is a little bit of a less of a crowd.” But if, you know you and I are not in a romantic relationship, I can understand where if you, if we were romantically connected that would be like wow, that doesn’t feel really good and feeling like you have to compete to get the attention of your partner, could be really challenging.

Reid:    So what did you end up doing after you were pouting or decided not to stand in the way or whatever that is?

Cathy: Well, one I…

Reid:    I’m asking because this, it might actually be useful for that person.

Cathy: Yeah. A lot of insecurity came up from me about, I tend to get insecure about worthwhile I am and I’m very shy, so I’m like, wow Reid has all these amazing people that want to spend time with him and I asked him for reassurance that he wanted to spend time with me and he actually had a good point, that he doesn’t spend time with people he doesn’t want to. He’s very much in his integrity about what he does with his time and that if he was spending time with me that was proof that he wanted to be there. And then you know, it was partly my job to speak up, you know. If he didn’t notice someone pushing me out of the way, it was my job to speak up to them and say, “Excuse me, that was kind of rude, I was standing there too,” or find some other way to speak up and make sure that I wasn’t disrespected or ignored. It’s partly my job to do that.

Reid:    Yap. Good. Which is why we’re still friends.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid:    Not to put all the pout, cause again this is, it’s just not weird…

Cathy: Well and I like it when you notice and you include me, I like being included to but…

Reid:    Yeah.

Cathy: It’s not all on you.

Reid:    It’s not, the thing is, it can be difficult to, it can be challenging cause you want your partner to stop being charming, which is not a good fit or a good face.

Cathy: Cause it’s fun to be around somebody who’s charming.

Reid:    Yeah, but only when we’re together, don’t be charming in social situations, like that’s weird. That is weird. So…

Cathy: I don’t think she said that. I think it was more of the conflict.

Reid:    No but like she’s going to dump him because he’s too charming.

Cathy: I think she was expressing the concern that was coming up not that she was actually going to dump him.

Reid:    Well, but the, so the concern right?

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:    Which means, “Well if he could just stop being charming with everybody else and only with me, then we could be together.” Like again, and I know you’re watching who wrote this. I’m putting words in your mouth and I’m not trying to, I’m just, I’m going, like let’s build this conversation and follow it a bunch of different paths right?

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:    The situation then for Mr Charming or Miss Charming or whoever you are out there and for all the charming folk out there, is, understand that you being comfortable in your own skin and being charismatic or whatever those things are, impacts people. So, where can you also just, you don’t just stop being yourself but can you be aware of how you impact people and help them get a context for what’s happening because one of the things that can happen is, when you have people who’ve never met somebody like you before, they’re like, “Oh my God!” Like you’re their, “I’ve never met anybody like you. You’re sparkly, you’re shiny, you make me feel like I’ve never felt before,” and just, it can sound arrogant but give people a heads up in a respectful way, like, “Hey, like I’m really enjoying this conversation and this was a lot of fun. Thank you.” Like, get savy at how you create containers and context for people as a charming person and empower them to be able to handle their own feelings.

Cathy: Yeah. ‘The Charisma Myth’ by Olivia Fox Cabane, actually talks about the negative effects of like having people want to be with you all the time and she has some really powerful tips in there on how to help pursue the people and leave them feeling centered[inaudible 00:06:18].

Reid:    Yeah and then around jealousy and envy, things that happen when you see somebody who you feels more charismatic than you or this or that, you know, envy is the feeling that you would like to have that experience.

Cathy: To also…

Reid:    Jealousy is, “I want that bitch or that dude out of there and me in there,” right. So I’m jealous of my friend or I’m jealous of that stranger getting to have that time with you versus, “Actually I don’t want, I don’t need time with you so I don’t need them removed, I just need to be having a fun conversation with somebody that is exciting.”

Cathy: I think it can also be I want to be included in that conversation.

Reid:    Yeah, that’s the third option.

Cathy: Yeah, so that could be envy as well. It could be like you know, “I don’t need them to be gone but I want to be included in the conversation.”

Reid:    I want to say that that’s not envy, that’s something else but I will geek out on that and try to get back to you.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:    So these ideas of well, anytime jealousy or envy comes up, like what are your needs cause it’s really a dashboard light and we’ve got some videos on jealousy and envy. It’s a dashboard light for something’s up because if all your needs were getting met and like you were filled and nourished, charisma boy, being charismatic with googly eyed girl or others wouldn’t bother you. You’d be like, “Oh yeah that happens all the time.”

Cathy: Yeah. It is nice like I appreciate when we were out, like we go to events together a lot, and you set a tone. That you introduce me, you make sure that people like, you set the tone for how people might treat me and because I’m shyer and quieter that means a lot to me and I really appreciate that. And if you don’t notice something happening it’s still my responsibility…

Reid:    Yeah.

Cathy: To take care of my own needs. So like, finding that balance and feeling empowered about it, I encourage, I love this book, ‘The Charisma Myth’ Olivia Fox Cabane, whether you’re charismatic and charming or not, like you can actually learn how to have grounded feelings and presence with people and just realize that you’re, just because someone’s really fun and flashy, it doesn’t, they’re wonderful. They’re really fun to be around but that doesn’t mean that what you bring isn’t valuable to. So the quieter person that’s a good listener is also really valuable to.

Reid:    And I think there’s a book and I forget the name of the author, its called, ‘Quiet’.

Cathy: Introverted…

Reid:    It’s about introversiond and it’s a really, really great book and I apologize for not remembering the author’s name right now.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid:    Leave your comments.

Cathy: Thanks so much for asking about this.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: