What Are Super Slut Protocols? | Reid With Angie and Stella—Facebook Live

by Reid on May 6, 2020

What Are Super Slut Protocols? | Reid With Angie Gunn and Stella Harris—Facebook Live

Quick Links from the Video/Transcript:
Angie Gunn: ConnectiveTherapyServices.com
Stella Harris: StellaHarris.net
Reid’s Casual Sex Protocols, A.K.A. Slut Protocols: ReidAboutSex.com/protocols
Reid’s Safer Sex Elevator Speech: ReidAboutSex.com/elevator

Transcript

Reid: Oh yeah! It’s happening. Oh, yeah. Okay, we got cherry blossoms this way. Hello Facebook! It’s Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/ and I have special guests today and…..but first I just have to apologize for I actually missed the Facebook LIVB yesterday because I was at a funeral and was dealing with you know feelings and it just slipped my mind so I apologize. Tomorrow I’ll probably talk about the languages of apology but I have more important things to…to talk about because we have Stella and we have Angie here today.

So tell the Facebook people as you chime in, leave a comment from where you’re watching from? Who are you two? Tell us.

Angie: Hi. I’m Angie. I’m a sex therapist here in Portland you can find me at https://www.connectivetherapyservices.com/

Reid: https://www.connectivetherapyservices.com/ and

Stella: Hi. I’m Stella Harris. I am a sex educator and coach in Portland, Oregon and you can find me at http://stellaharris.net

Reid: Popop! And we’ve had Stella on before on a past video but Angie this is your…..this is your Facebook live cherry.

Angie: It’s my premiere. I’m excited.

Reid: It’s your premiere and we were talking we’re doing a little co-working session at a coffee shop. What’s the coffee shop name?

Stella: Case Study.

Reid: Case Study Coffee in Portland and we were talking about slut problems.

Angie: Super slut problems

Reid: Super slut problems and so I’m like we have to Facebook live about this. So if you are interested in just the title alone hit some emoticons, make it rain for Stella and….and Angie and…..and then you will talk about the slut problem. So…….so what do you….what did you what were you talking about before I…I joined you in? If you want to share.

Stella: [Inaudible 00:01:47]

Reid: See look at all look at all the emoticons.

Angie: Ohh.

Stella: Oh, we’re talking about our super slut problems

Angie: Super slut problems and also Stella and I both date openly in Portland

Reid: We’re going to go this way ‘coz there’s….there’s cherry blossoms.

Angie: It’s pretty. As Poly, kinky, slutty, sex positive people we really like to seek out

Reid: On

Angie: lots of fun sex adventures and what that means is we recently discovered that we had been encountering two of the same people and we were receiving different messages from them and trying to interpret what does this mean and how does this relate to what we’re looking for in terms of sexuality and what kind of partners are we seeking and how do we create the kind of dynamics that we want but also can still seek out all the sluttiness we seek.

Reid: Uhuh. And then just hang on here we’re going to stop. Look at those beautiful cherry blossoms everyone. This is our little [Inaudible 00:02:36] say Hi. Photo up go. Okay, keep going. Stella?

Stella: Yeah. So that’s sort of the gist of it. We were wondering how do we express to people that were actually okay with ongoing casual sex in a culture where people feel like they need to behave as though it’s leading to a relationship for people to be open to having sex.

Reid: Yeah.

Stella: So, what we were discussing was how do we sort of train sex-positive slut positive partners?

Reid: Yeah. Well, I will I will share that which let’s go…..we’ll go this way the….the thing that I ran into that we were talking about at the coffee shop was when I first started coming out as poly and….or not even before that it was it was before the poly piece where I was just exploring my promiscuity like we don’t have healthy role models in our culture for…for healthy promiscuity. So we’re not supposed to be doing that even though as a cisgender man like it’s okay for me to sow my oats but if I was feeling joy and liking sleeping with you casually, there wasn’t a context for it so it must mean that I’d….I like you like you which must mean we need to date exclusively. There wasn’t a like it’s okay for me to love sleeping with you and love keeping it casual like there wasn’t there wasn’t a context for me and my joy and my being a decent human being, being nice to people when I was dating people who weren’t slutty, we would develop feelings for each other

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: which meant we must make start making it more serious. So I just there wasn’t a way to be casual. Oh, we’re walking by a school now.

Angie: I think it’s

Reid: Okay, turn around turn around we’re walking by a school

Stella: We’re walking by mistake.

Reid: There might be children so keep going. And we have to talk out our bonus Wendy

Angie: That’s another slut problem.

Reid: Yeah. So

Angie: Talking by the children.

Reid: but….but again like it was like it was hard to navigate and then my big breakthrough was when I realized for me and owned that I was slutty, I started dating or sleeping with other sluts and then we all had…..we were like “oh my god, like I had that problem too.”

Angie:  Yeah. I mean I think until we create the slut network and then we…..we…does not it was not really a….a dating site

Reid: A slut network.

Angie: transfer. Just for sex-positive sluts that we know we could trust and will be honest [Inaudible 00:05:05]

Reid: Where did you guys meet? We met on slut.com

Angie: I mean that’s why we also create that I’m all for it but you know and so we have that we are…..we’re we end up encountering a lot of people that we think were being really clear and honest you know I can say at the very first date “I’m looking for casual sex. I don’t want a relationship. I’m looking for ongoing consistent predictable reliable communicative sexual encounters with you and I care about you as a person but that’s all I’m looking for.” And people are like “great! That’s awesome. Let’s do that” and then of course it always end up to being something else. So like the two people we were discussing both ended up ghosting me and then Krisha gets a Stella to seek the same thing that I was providing for them.

Reid: Yeah.

Angie: Which is cool ‘coz Stella has different things to offer but they never actually told me they were done with that for me.

Reid:  uh-huh. We’re going to walk down the same street ‘coz it’s so beautiful with the trees.

Stella: Yes.

Reid: So…..so for you Stella like what have….what have you noticed dating people who are I’m going to say muggles air quotes like Harry Potter-like non….non-sorcery, non-magic people but like if we if we assume like in….in our category as people who like casual sex but don’t take our casual sex casually which I jokingly refer to like that’s what a slut is to me, right? What are the problems or the challenges you’re running into dating people who might not really be slutty like they….they’re….they’re trying casual sex but maybe it doesn’t make them happy?

Stella: Right. I feel like I encounter more of the people who will say that they’re interested in poly but really they’re more in a….dating around until they find something serious or monogamous face and so I’ve had a lot of people face in and out with that or yeah and I’ve dated around until they find someone else place. Even when people want what Angie was talking about the ongoing predictable casual sex I think most of the muggles as you say don’t know that that is a valid option, that they’re allowed to ask for that, that they’re allowed to want even if we model if that’s what we want.

Angie: And that we really exist. We’re not like we are we are actually unicorns. We….there are people out there who can have clearly negotiated ongoing casual sex that exists.

Reid: Well and….and there is even have been even ebbs and flows to that like another slut problem that I run into is people think that I…I literally sleep with everybody on the planet which would be an amazing feat actually because there’s a lot of people on the planet ladies and gentleman.

Angie: So many holes and so little time

Reid: So many holes and so little time but the challenge is when I don’t when I choose not to sleep with somebody, they think they’re broken or that they did something wrong

Angie: Sure.

Reid: because if they did something right then of course “Reid would sleep with me because Reid sleeps with everybody.” Right….right? So there’s that misunderstanding

Angie: That’s right.

Reid:  and I’m still looking for a name for that.

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: There’s got to be a German word for that explains that thing but again like there’s it’s…..it’s interesting because like that’s something that I’m having to deal with and even like with other sluts. We know that sometimes we just don’t want to sleep with you just because

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: just because you’re a musician and I’m a musician doesn’t mean we automatically want to jam and cut and cut a record. So but again like when I talk to sluts about that we kind of get it we’re like “oh yeah, of course there are times when I don’t want to sleep with somebody like”

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: but in the non in the muggle world, well if you’re slutty then you must want to sleep with me “duh” and then and I’m like “oh, it’s actually more complex than that.”

Angie: Yeah.

Stella: Yeah. I have experienced recently of turning down somebody at a party and feeling a lot of guilt around that because I do play with a lot of people and then feeling like it’s almost harder to say no if people have that expectation if you’re an easy yes or that’s

Angie: That’s right.

Stella: the assumption and then you’re no for something even though I teach people to say no all the time

Reid: Yeah.

Stella: it was interesting to find a place where I felt

Reid: We’re going to around again

Stella: a little nervous about

Reid: Turn around

Stella: that.

Reid: Well and it ‘coz again like ultimately it seems like you know the people at least I’m attracted to and hang out with like we actually don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

Stella: Right.

Reid: But we don’t want to have to do like there’s as much pressure on us

Angie: Sure

Reid: to be something when…..when you’re slutty as there are for people who are trying not to be slutty or something. I mean it’s just pressure like

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: the dynamics of social pressure and people misunderstanding you or….or not understanding you like those are their……regardless of how you identify like that’s just like

Angie: Sure

Reid: there’s always some weird seventh grade, some seventh grader version of awkwardness going on.

Angie: Let’s meet this idea that also how can….we make our slut community more receptive to any answer and more feedback like we talked about could you actually say to someone, “you’re great and I really loved having sex with you.” I’ve got these three other great people right now in my life but I don’t want to have sex with them instead does not mean that you’re invalid or you’re not attractive or you’re not very f*ckable

Reid: Uhuh.

Angie: It just means that I’m making use other choices and I want to tell you that I respect you and can we hear that from each other?

Reid: Well and I’ve also had I’ve had people who well it is a whole other topic for another conversation. Right, leave emoticons if any of this is interesting but the….because this is actually this is this is more edgy for me to talk about, right? Because I’m….I’m assuming that I’m the only person struggling with this and that that my and my advice isn’t useful for anybody and now Reid is using this Facebook live to process but like so I am asking for like emoticons if any of this stuff is interesting or useful to you because I have my anxieties about talking about it like

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: we’re it’s….it’s not like we stopped

Stella: Right.

Reid: Having our awkward insecure moments. I think as…..as sluts it’s that we honor that we have those things and can talk about them that gives us some of our superpowers if we have superpowers at all.

Stella: Right.

Reid: And for those of you who are leaving comments, I love it. I….I can’t read from this distance with my eyesight so I’ll…..I’ll answer your questions and try to respond when we get back inside but keep leaving comments please…..please….please.

Angie: And you can message us directly too. You can add us in

Reid: Yeah and…..and

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: you can find Angie and Stella through I’ll leave them in the links in the comments. So the other thing is for me I’ve got for those of you who don’t know if you go to http://reidaboutsex.com/protocols you can download a little check sheet about my casual sex protocols or what I call slut protocols which is how to have casual sex mindfully and not fall in love before you want to fall in love. So have you have you two had struggles with people imprinting on you and going on

Stella: I have in fact quoted you and send people to that link as part of my partner training program.

Reid: Partner training program?

Stella: Absolutely ‘coz that has been very useful.

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: So.

Angie: Take a pick at the Elevator Speech and I’m going to get the Protocol Sheets

Reid: Get the Safer Elevator Speech and then the Protocol Sheets

Angie: That’s the standards

Stella: Yeah.

Reid: Okay.

Stella: Absolutely, because it is! You know when people find that training a new thing the inclination is you’re texting all day, you’re seeing each other two or three days in a row

Angie: Yeah.

Stella: and then even if you thought you wanted something casual

Reid: Yeah.

Stella: you get all the brain chemicals and you have the attachment

Reid: Uhuh.

Stella:  and then you’ve got yourself a problem if that’s not what either of you have space for.

Reid: Sure! And do you feel like as this is my theory but I….I have a theory that has not been researched at all about people who…..who are good at casual sex like from a slut perspective like that we actually might imprint differently

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: and that’s just my theory like….like because….because it’s for me I….I can I can feel myself falling in love with people but it’s not ruining me.

Stella: Right.

Angie: Sure.

Reid: In this like I can only I can’t think about them I can’t stop thinking about them or so I I’m always curious if it just feels like I just imprint differently

Stella: Yeah.

Reid: or my triggers might be differently? I’m curious about your thoughts on that.

Stella: I think it’s one of the reasons that the word casual is a little bit of misnumbered cause I absolutely develop strong feelings for people and just for me it doesn’t mean

Angie: Yeah.

Stella: that they have to be my one and only or that I have to see them every day. I can have strong feelings

Angie: Sure

Stella: and see if someone every couple of months and not still okay and I still feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Reid: Got it.

Angie: Well, I think my imprinting is more like it….it takes different styles so I can imprint on someone and we’re like “I want to see you once a month at a sex party and it’s amazing and we’re great friends

Reid: We have to turn one more time.

Angie: and it’s very fulfilling.” So the imprinting can take different form. It doesn’t mean that I have this connection with someone immediately gives me everything as a result.

Reid: Yeah.

Angie: Or you can be you can take different forms in my life and it’s really meaningful so.

Reid: Yeah. So, I don’t know. What are your thoughts? This is an interesting conversation. I hope you enjoyed our guest stars today. Where can people find you again?

Angie: On Facebook I’m Angie Gunn. My website is https://www.connectivetherapyservices.com/

Reid: https://www.connectivetherapyservices.com/

Stella: Stella Harris on http://stellaharris.net

Reid: .net. Any….any parting……

Angie: oh we start the slut research projects and this is gonna happen

Reid: The slut…..The slut research project. Who’s going to write us a grant for this?

Angie: We need this.

Stella: Yeah. Just go out there and be honest and courageous and tell people what you want.

Reid: So here’s the final question for now and I’m….I’m not going to make any assumptions you know I might have information but if you were looking to date or you know hook up or whatever words you’re going to use with people out there of whatever gender, what advice would you like to give the people out there who don’t know if they’re a slut or not yet; are looking for casual sex and they’re just like you know and maybe will happen upon you two out on the inter-web ‘coz we’re on the dating app…..apps like what….what advice like one or two bits of advice for people who are considering dating empowered casually savvy

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: sexual human beings?

Angie: I think first for me it’s being able to challenge your sexual programming. So what….what assumptions do you have about who you need to be and expectations around what your relationships and your sex needs to look like and be able to really question that for yourself and figure out how would you set your own acquisitions instead of following some other pattern that you’re supposed to follow and what would it be like to actually speak the kind of sex that you want regardless of relationship patterns and then knowing that’s valid that sticking to sex itself is valid it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you don’t have morals or you don’t have the ability to and still be in healthy relationships outside of that.

Reid: Great.

Stella: And I would just say being….finding that line where you can be bold and forthright but still be respectful. So I think it’s totally fine to say “I’ve seen you around, I think you’re really interesting I’m wondering if you would like to negotiate play sometime.”

Angie: Yeah.

Stella: Rather than launching into naked pictures or descriptions of sex acts just assuming that’s the one……“oh, because they are slut they’re going to want this.”

Reid: So, building some sort of relatedness and

Stella: Yeah.

Angie: Be my friends

Reid: We’ll go this way. Yeah.

Stella: Yeah.

Reid: Treat us like human beings ladies and gentlemen.

Angie: Sluts are people.

Reid: Sluts are people too.

Stella: That’s awesome.

Reid: Yeah and then I’ll just say you know if you haven’t started going down this rabbit hole of casual sex please download the….the casual sex protocols and go to http://reidaboutsex.com/protocols and then if you haven’t familiarized yourself with the safer sex elevator speech check that out and that’s at http://reidaboutsex.com/elevator because for me if you want to hit on me just come up to and be like “I’ve downloaded your shit Reid” and here’s what I think is missing from the slut protocols or I challenge you like engage me because I’m also a sapiosexual but it’s been it’s very interesting when people use the things I needed to create for myself

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: and then they start on a conversation because I use those as assessment tools.

Angie: Yeah.

Reid: So, if you’re already geeking out on these things and you have thoughts and opinions like that might be the easiest way to get into my pants because now

Angie: What to say?

Reid: I want to say hi because but again like I’m really curious and….and…..and I feel safer playing with people who’ve already been curious for themselves

Angie: Sure.

Reid: and are figuring out what’s a good fit for them.

Angie: Yeah.

Stella: Yes, lovely.

Angie: We like sex geeks.

Reid: We like sex geeks. Alright, everybody. Alright, thanks for being on our walk. Thank you for joining us today.

Angie: Thank you for having us

Stella: Thank you.

Reid: Let’s some emoticons as we leave so…..so that we can reinforce Facebook live for Angie. You….you….you

Angie: I want to try some.

Reid: You want to try some?

Angie: Yeah. Let’s see.

Reid: Okay. So thank you, everybody, we’ll talk to you tomorrow and I’m so sorry that I missed yesterday’s Facebook live. Look at those emoticons, look at that making it rain. Alright, bye, everybody. Mwah! From Portland.

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