Lets Talk About Voyeurism
Cathy: Reid at a recently play party you shared something about voyeurism. That I thought was really powerful I was wondering if you’d share it for the camera. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/ Cathy, what is a play party?
Cathy: A play party is basically an orgy. It’s a space where people can go and have sex or watch that if people having sex. And its safe space where consent values safer sex and getting to explore and have pleasure with each other.
Reid: But I’ve been to play parties where consent really wasn’t the focus.
Cathy: I liked only go to one for consent is the focus. Different people run them different ways and I’m not saying every play party is going to focus on consent. I’m very careful about which ones.
Reid: But they should.
Cathy: They should in my opinion. It’s so important. So I love that you start your welcome circle with discussions of consents. Every time I have modeled that as well. But you were talking at this play party about voyeurism and how not to be creepy when your voyeur it. Because voyeurism is participation at Reid’s and my play parties. I think it’s wonderful people don’t ever have to play it’s okay just to be there and either be a lube fairy in handloom if you want or just sit there and watch, or wash dishes I did that and many of the first play parties. I went to because I was so nervous I was afraid to leave the food area but I wanted to be of service and help me calm down .
Reid: MUST STAY BUSY!!!!!
Cathy: I washed all the dishes…
Reid: Watching all people have sex. MUST STAY BUSY !!!!!
Cathy: It worked for me. But I love how you shared we’re going off topic about some people when they’re voyeur they’re watching there’s a sense of like people want to be respectful voyeurs in general. But there’s a creepy factor sometimes or discomfort that can come in. and what you shared about the energy of it how to let it come to you and the distance to keep was brilliant.
Reid: Here’s some advice and this might you know, your mileage may vary. I’m going to invite you to try this out I’m not saying it’s the way. But it seems to be an Interesting conversation to have with yourself and with other people about what feels appropriate and what feels creepy or weird in life in general. But certainly at an event where people are having sex in front of you .So at a play party or an orgy, or a swing party or BDSM dungeon you know certain alternative cultures have their own nuances and protocols. For how they like things done so you need to ask and figure out what the protocols are for that particular subculture. But around voyeurism unless somebody wants you to be creepy because that turns them on. Most people do not want the creepy vibe happening when they’re playing with somebody or even if they’re just like at a sex party masturbating in the corner. They don’t want to like “Hey … hey … Hey … hey … Creepy vibe so if we can assume overall human beings do not want creepy vibe. I understand there are some people are like. “Oh no! Reid like I want the creepy vibe” But for those people will ask for it usually at play party. Because they figured that out about themselves. But if we assume it’s non-creepy is what most people want and it enhances their experience for you not to be creepy, now, as a nerd I’m like, “Oh! How do we not be creepy around voyeurism where you are allowed to watch at a play party because it would be weird if it like, “Welcome everyone you can have sex but you cannot watch each other so you’re like you’re doing this all the time that’s Weird!” But at a play party is like NO were here to express ourselves to not be ashamed so… You can look!
Cathy: Yeah, There’s a certain First Physical distance.
Reid: Yeah, How do you look appropriately, one is some sort of physical distance like understanding that In different parts of the country New Yorkers This is personal difference because were crammed into on a subway all the time. if you sat on a Bus this close to somebody in the Midwest as they would know what’s going on in New York if I sit down Next to somebody on the subway and there’s a seat open here they kind of know what’s going on its not weird you know so, Play party distance is not like being really close to people so you know kind of like a fire engine it says stay 500 feet back. I would say stay at least 3 to 6 ft. and 3ft. is pretty close too right?
Cathy: Depending on how crowded the space is.
Reid: And 3 feet is pretty close too. Like, that’s probably 3 feet, now if there are 80 people crammed into one hotel room, now it’s a little bit different. Now we’re on a subway and we understand. But now there’s a difference between you know we’re on a subway and we’re
on a subway and I’m staring at you. That’s different..
Cathy: It’s kind of like you’re rubbing your arm
Reid: Yeah! Where I’m like you know you’re trying to get some side boob Right? So the thing that we model at our play party is the “Ask” like you know, “Is it okay if I watch?” So you could approach a couple or group that’s fucking and you can be 10 feet away and probably be fine. We’ll talk about energy in a second. But if you want to be close because maybe you’re like me and you can’t fucking see so you’re like, you know “Is it okay I’d like is to watch. I don’t have my glasses may I come closer.”
Cathy: And you probably do want to ask them as they’re at a point of orgasm…
Reid: Yeah, I’m just about to cum just about to cum… And you’re like excuse me I know you’re about to cum but can I watch? Like, don’t do that!
Cathy: Like, have an appropriate pause.
Reid: Exactly, but the idea of what how to be polite in excuse me asking means you also kind of need to know what you want to ask for and that’s a skill you get better at. The energy piece is really really interesting and useful which is this exercise where I’m going to ask you to do it with us.
Cathy: It’s really cool.
Reid: Okay, so now, I want you to imagine that your eyes are like flashlights and your vision you’re watching and the energy is pouring out of your eyeballs and bathing us okay? So like you got the energy coming out and bathing and now the next example is energy is bathing but you want to like tractor beam the experience back into your brain, like your eyeballs are straws and you’re sucking the experience in, those two versions can feel really creepy for a lot of people especially people who are kind of energetically sensitive because it feel like you’re taking yourself in trying to put on people or pull them to you or take from the experience and I can just feel weird, then the third thing