How To Be Clear That You’re Poly If You Decide Not To Come Out Because of Your Kids or Work?

by Reid on January 6, 2019

How To Be Clear That You’re Poly If You Decide Not To Come Out Because of Your Kids or Work?



Reid: A writer writes in! Reid, how do you be clear that you’re poly when you’re dating if you decided not to come out as poly for the sake of your kids or because of work, how do you do it? I’m Reid Mihalko from and this is…

Stella: Stella Harris from

Reid: Woohoo! You got an answer for that?

Stella: I have a few ideas. I talked to people a lot about dating and one of the things that comes up a lot is when someone should put what they consider their deal breakers out there. So, for a lot of people, poly could be one of their deal breakers. It’s something when folks are deciding who to date, that’s something they’re filtering on. So, it can be a little tricky if you can’t just have, you know the first line of your online dating app says, oh, I’m poly because maybe you don’t want your friends and co-workers to see that and so then you have to decide how to have those conversations. You can set yourself up for better chance of success by filtering for the people that you are asking out knowing that they are already interested in open relationships or polyamory. And then, try to have those conversations early-ish. You know, have it when someone who is online. Have the conversations in the first date or two to make sure that the other person isn’t being misled at all, they know what they’re getting into, and they know what you’re interested in. I find that that is usually really helpful in the first few dates anyway. Some people have things that are really important to them, if they’re looking for marriage, if they’re looking for kids or if they’re in an open relationship and definitely not looking for those things. That stuff you want to align relatively early on so you don’t have someone getting invested and then getting their feelings hurt later on.

Reid: Yeah. I like your bit about if you can’t have it in your dating profile, you can be searching for the people who do have it on their profiles and then as you message them, you let them know, hey, just so you know, I’m poly, it’s not on my profile for these reasons and would you be interested in discussing further.

Stella: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that’s what it’s all about, it’s starting those conversations, all about filtering and it’s not going to be for everybody and that’s okay, too.

Reid: And if you’re familiar with my dating Date Your Species idea,, I’m a huge believer and it’s probably better to scare people away sooner than later especially if they feel like you were misleading them or something like that.

Stella: Yeah. I like to put on my deal breakers out there. I don’t want to have 3-4 days and get my hopes up or get attached to someone only to find out something’s not going to work or they’re not into you know substantial things about me.

Reid: If you want to find out more about Stella like in a non-datey way, go to and check out, Stella has a really good resource part on her website and also for coaching and other advicey things.

Stella: That’s true.

Reid: Yeah, thanks for being here.

Stella: Thanks for having me.

Reid: Leave comments. Bye.

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