Turning Insecurity and Worry Upside Down

by Reid on June 11, 2015

Unhappy couple not talking after an argument in bed at homeDo you find yourself getting insecure? Worrying if you’re being obnoxious or annoying? Turn your brain on it’s head…

with this tip from Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Are you ever afraid that you’re being annoying or does your insecurity come up and bite you in the butt? It can get really in your head. The more you think about it, the more you pull back and get stuck in that thought pattern.

This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com

Reid: [Crying sound]

Cathy: It’s OK.

Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Sometimes reassurance doesn’t work. I know I can get caught up. The hamster wheel in my head gets really caught up and I can ask people for reassurance, “I’m having a really insecure day. Can you tell me I’m a good person?”

Reid: This video’s going really well, Cathy. It’s fine.

Cathy: Reid, thank you. Or I’m afraid that I’m bugging someone, which I do with Reid sometimes.

Reid: Cathy does bug me often and I reassure her that she’s bugging me, and it doesn’t seem to stop her.

Cathy: I enjoy it very much.

Reid: Yes.

Cathy: But if that’s something that you have a pattern where you get so afraid. When I’m actually afraid I’m annoying someone I’ll withdraw. I’ll get really quiet, and that’s not a really good interaction. That’s not how I want to be with people.

Reid: Yes, and it doesn’t give them any information unless you want them to be a mind reader, and we’re not. Then all of a sudden they start get insecure sometimes because they don’t know why you just got quiet. Then they’re like, “Oh, shit. Is it something I’m doing? Wait, what did I just say? Why did she shut down?” Then you’re both in this weird loop where you both have your hamster wheels of death squeaking away in both of your heads like this.

Cathy: [Laughs].

Reid: Then nobody can be with each other because it’s so noisy in each of your heads and you both shut down.

Cathy: Yeah, Reid had an amazing solution. It worked brilliantly for me and it’s worked for a bunch of clients, too.

Reid: I’m completely blanking out. What’s the solution?

Cathy: OK, [laughs] so if you’re being really insecure …

Reid: Oh, yeah, go ahead. Tell them.

Cathy: And reassurance, you can ask for reassurance. If that switches you out … sometimes for me it’s just I need a hug, whatever, but if that’s not working ask them to hold space for you and go as hard as you can. Be as insecure as you can.

Reid: Yeah, or be as annoying as you can. It works really well, Cathy.

Cathy: Yeah. Ask their permission first.

Reid: Basically, what it would be like is … and this is kind of weird. I just totally burped. This can be weird for your friends at first until you guys build this into a relationship. Basically, you say, “Hey, I’m feeling really insecure. Do you mind if I go for it?” Then when the context is built into your relationship basically which is the first time you have to say, “I’m feeling really insecure. Can I just like for a minute or two be really insecure and just kind of like blow it out?”

Then your friends will usually be like, “Well, this is a little bit more interesting than the last time you got quiet. So, yeah.” Then you just be super insecure around them. Put it into words and you like basically do it to eleven.

Cathy: Yeah, have them egg you on. That’s not really that insecure. Really, that’s as bad as you can get?

Reid: Yeah, you call that insecure? My God. Then basically what you end up doing is you kind of almost reverse psychology but you end up taking all that energy and then just letting it go rather than trying to hold it and control it somehow which makes you this really weird person anyway.

Cathy: Yeah. It’s actually … I end up laughing usually within a minute or two. It totally shifts me out. And with the annoying part, if you get their agreement that you can be as annoying, you really want to try to be annoying. It’s really fun because they can’t get pissed at you if you really are.

Reid: Yeah, and it changes the energy of the situation because you are afraid of taking too up too much space, and when you actually try to be annoying and people give you consent, it actually ends up being very playful and changes the dynamic.

So which one do you want to role model?

Cathy: The annoying one.

Reid: OK.

Cathy: Do I have your permission to be as annoying as possible?

Reid: Absolutely.

Cathy: OK. Is that fun?

Reid: This is horrible.

Cathy: No?

Reid: That’s not annoying.

Cathy: Oh, OK.

Reid: That’s not annoying, either. Wow, that just got a whole bunch of thumbs down.

Cathy: [laughs]. We’re going to be removed from YouTube.

Reid: But, look. Look at the energy change, right? Like super exciting, “Ah, oh, my God.” You end being fun and goofy and role modeling that it’s OK. Make sure you ask permission. Don’t just start being annoying.

Cathy: [Laughs]. They won’t know what you’re doing.

Reid: That’s weird. Then ask … try to build that into your friendship so that you guys can both do it because it will help, you’re role modeling now for your friends that it’s o-, that’s it’s OK to do this.

Cathy: [Laughs].

Reid: Then what that ends up doing is just more laughter and play and let’s like shut down weirdness trying to read each other’s mind and figure out what just happened.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: All right. Leave us your comments. What do you think? Is this too crazy of an idea? Who could you practice this on?

Cathy: It actually builds a lot of intimacy when you try this with someone. It’s actually very fun.

Reid: Bye.

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