How NOT Homophobic Am I?

by Reid on December 1, 2015

Young Happy Gay Men Couple Cuddling On Street Free Homosexual LoHow NOT Homophobic Am I?

America’s favorite sex geek, Reid Mihalko of, jumps out of a birthday cake and strips, reveals his stripper name from back in his college days (hint: It’s a famous comic book character), and shares the story of how he discovered just HOW not homophobic he is…

Happy Birthday to Bawdy Storytelling creator, Dixie De La Tour!

Dixie: … when he’s in the show. Please give it up for Reid Mihalko. 

Reid: Oh, yeah. My legs are totally asleep because I was in that fucking cake forever. Help me up! I tied that tie myself. Sexy and sweaty because it’s 100 degrees in that cake, bitch.

Dixie: That is a really nice one. 

Reid: Thank you, DJ. I’m tempted to tell this story from my cake. 

Dixie: Can I just say that halfway through your introduction I became terrified you were wearing a Santa Suit and not cake? 

Reid: That would’ve been awesome! Can you taste Mrs. Claus on my dick? You can probably tell from my professional moves that that was not the first time I’ve ever taken off my clothes in front of an audience. This is what will be the beginning of my story.

Hi everyone! Everyone take a deep breath, and you go, “Oh.” All right, so applaud if you have ever seen Salt-N-Peppa’s “None of Your Business,” video. Applaud if you are a fan of the cowboy who appears in the red thong and chaps at the end of that video. Applaud if you knew that was me. Now imagine, many years ago, all of this being up here and here.

Not everybody knows this, but now the world will know this, I paid for some of college stripping. First night I ever stripped, I made $11. All of my friends let me know that that was a good business move, but it would eventually, stripping for men and women, would eventually be what ended up getting me the job when I auditioned for Salt-N-Peppa’s “None of Your Business” video. That made my niece the queen of seventh grade and eighth grade because it was a big deal video and her uncle was in a Salt-N-Peppa video. It was great. Remember, all of this was where? Up here. Exactly.

Imagine back then, me with my Arnold Schwarzenegger buzz cut and my Home Alone glasses; it was very kind of Harry Potter before its time. I’m dancing and I’m like, “I’m starting to get ready to … I’ve never danced before and I need a name!” Some of you know that I’m a comic book geek. So I’m like, “Man, I’m going to strip,” and back then I rode a motorcycle and I was like, “What am I going to … Well, I’ve got chaps. I can just wear chaps for stripping because that’s a thing that strippers wear. I already own them! I don’t have to spend money for it.” I had to go thong shopping and things like that, which is kind of weird, back then because I hadn’t turned into the Sex Geek yet. I was just like, all of this up here, being like, “Um, where are your thongs?” This is back in Rhode Island, where I went to college, so it was kind of like, “Oh, you want the thongs.” I’m like, “Yes, please.” I’m like, “What’s going to be my name? What’s going to be my name?” I’m such a comic book geek, I’m like, “Who rides a motorcycle?”

Audience: Captain America.

Reid: But I didn’t pick that. Steve Rogers was not it. Punisher, no. I would be the Ghost Rider. My stripper name was Johnny Blaze. All this, up here, and chaps, and I would drive to the shows. You made more money back then, maybe still now, stripping for gay audiences. This was a long time ago, before I turned into this. I’d be like, “I hope I make more than $11.” Then I started stripping for gay audiences and I was dancing, I’m like, “Wow!” I hadn’t been exposed to gay culture. I grew up in New Hampshire and didn’t know anybody who was gay at the time. I’m like, “Wow, that person’s gay and that per … Don’t touch my cock. That person’s gay …” I’m like, “Get your hand out of my ass. That person’s gay … That’ll cost you $20. That person … Wow, this is amazing” I just didn’t know and I’m such a geek, I was like, “This is really cool.” Then Johnny Blaze got kind of, semi-famous in Massachusetts and Connecticut and Rhode Island, so I was like, “I’m making more than $11. School is really expensive. I’m Johnny Blaze.”

I would drive up and there’d be these gay men waiting for me. I’m like this guy, which I’m like, “Hi!” But you can’t be that guy when you’re a stripper. I’m like, “Hi.” Then I’d get off my bike and they’d all watch and be like, “It’s Johnny Blaze, it’s Johnny Blaze, it’s John …” I’d walk in with my helmet. I was kind of a lazy stripper. There would be people with costume changes and I would just be like, I had some special tear-away jeans made. I’d have my chaps and I’d just kind of walk in with my helmet and people would be like, “Hey Johnny.” I’d be like, “Hey.” Because I’ve got to be cool. I’d walk in. Then when my set would come, I would just walk out on stage in the same shit I came in in. I would just take off everything and put the helmet over my crotch and I’d open up the visor. I’d be dancing and people would just stuff money in my helmet. I’m like, “Cha-ching! Cha-ching! I’m Johnny Blaze. I’m Johnny Blaze.”

Then one day, I’m leaving and as I walk out there’s one guy, very cute gay guy, he goes, “What’s up Ghost Rider?” I’m like, “You know.” He’s like, “Way to go, Johnny Blaze,” and I’m like, “Thank you,” and I leave. Fast forward a little bit, I’m getting good at this now, I’m learning how to perform and be for the audience. School’s getting somewhat paid for and all of a sudden I’m dancing and I’m like, “Now I’m just kind of comfortable in gay culture.” I’m having this moment, which sometimes you do, where you’re thinking about a bunch of different stuff while you’re doing something and you finally become competent or feel comfortable in. All of a sudden I’m like, “Wow, I’ve learned all these things about gay culture, this is really crazy. I guess I’m not homophobic. I feel comfortable here, and that’s really kind of cool.”

I’m thinking about my mom and dad, who as some of you know, had a really weird marriage. Loved each other very much, didn’t know how to communicate, things got really weird in my family, but I’m like, “For all the weirdness, they made my brothers and I, as far as I know, not homophobic.” In New Hampshire, back then, in the ’70s and ’80s, that was pretty cool. I’m dancing in my thong and I’m like, “I’m not homophobic! Don’t touch my dick. I’m not homophobic! I wonder how not homophobic I am.” No! I had never had that thought! Then all of a sudden everybody changed in the room to be like (scanning noise) and I’m like, “Whoa. How not homophobic am I?”

That night, I believe it was that night, I got approached by two men who were regulars of mine. They were the people who would wait outside for Johnny Blaze. One of them came over and he’s like, “It’s my partner’s birthday in a couple of weeks. Could we hire you and pay you to strip for us? We’re the gay couple that lives in the cul-de-sac in the straight neighborhood. All the straight wives and husbands will be there. It’ll be really fun and it would mean a lot to us because we’re big fans of yours. Could you please come and dance?” I’m like, “Absolutely! Let’s do that.”

Driving the car this time, because I’d left the bike at home, I’m driving my friend’s car. I get to the house. They’ve got the swimming pool. It’s fabulous. They’ve got the swimming pool, all the couples are there from the cul-de-sac. They’re all straight. I come out and it’s got the music. I’m sweeping by the pool. I’m doing lap dances for all the wives. They’re all like, “Oh my god!” The husbands are like, “That’s awesome, because he’s gay! Ha ha!” I’m humping the diving board and they’re going crazy. After I stop dancing, it’s the wives and I doing body shots. The husbands are fine with it because they think I’m gay. I am making out with every wife in the neighborhood. They are lined up and it’s like, “Ah!” Bob’s going, “Dude, totally thank you for hooking me up tonight. You’re getting her all riled up!” I’m like, “Thank you, sir. Ah!” It was great.

I’m done making out with all the wives. They send everybody home and not the birthday boy, but his partner comes up and he’s like, “Listen, here’s your money. Thank you so much. It was exactly what we wanted. And, I hope this isn’t offensive, but if you’d like to stay the night, I’d like to gift my partner with a birthday threesome.” I’m like flashback to me dancing and being like, “How not homophobic am I?” I’m like, “Okay.”

Fast forward, we’re in the bedroom. I’m with two men for the first time. This is my first threesome, by the way. We have told many threesome stories up here on the stage. In my head I’m like, “Oh my god, it’s going to be so weird and yada, yada, yada.” Then we start kissing and one of them is an amazing kisser. I’m like, “This could work.” Then I suavely go over to the birthday boy and he’s got the … He hadn’t shaved in a while and then he was a bad kisser, so it was like, “Oh, wow. This is what it must feel like kissing me. It’s like sharkskin and he’s going to rub my face off,” but then it was like the, “Oh, he’s a bad kisser. This is what a bad kisser is like when they’re a dude.” I’m like, “Wow.” The other one, I’m like, “Good kisser. Bad kisser. Happy birthday. Mra.”

We fall into bed and then I was like, “I have a cock in my hand for the first time ever!” I’m like, “It’s kind of like my cock, but it feels completely different! It looks like my cock, but it’s not my cock and it doesn’t feel like my cock! Whoa!” Then I’m getting a blow job and I’m like, “I’ve never been blown by somebody with sharkskin before. Whoa!” All these things are going on. They were sweet and the partner kind of eventually gets, maybe threesomes weren’t his thing and this was a birthday gift for his husband, but he’s like, “I’m going to go now. You two enjoy yourself.” I’m like, “Okay.” He kind of creeps away. Now it’s just me and the bad-kisser-sharkskin-face guy. I’m like, “Okay, okay. This can work.” Then I’m also like, “This is interesting. I’m kind of not vibing with this person, but I am because it’s a new experience and I’m a geek. He’s totally getting off on this.” I’m like, “I’m not ready,” my butt wasn’t, “Pegging is open for business!” It wasn’t then. So I’m like, “Oh, no. Let’s not do any of the thing.” He’ like, “That’s actually really cool. Can we just jerk off together?”

I’m jerking off for the first time with somebody and my mind is just blown. It was really sweet, we both cum, he’s just like, “Thank you so much, and thank you so much for making out with all the wives because Lord knows, this neighborhood needs more sex.” He looks at me and he’s like, “Thank you, Johnny Blaze.” I’m like, “Oh. I don’t even care if you’re a bad kisser. You’re awesome.” I’m driving home and the streetlights are passing by, there’s probably some Thorogood song on the radio, whatever is appropriate. I’m just like, “Wow. I am really not homophobic.”

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