Dealing With A Mini-Stalker…

by Reid on June 17, 2016

Woman Trying To Kiss A Man And He Is Rejecting HerHow do you deal with someone who “mini-stalks” you? It might be well below the “legal” limit, but it can be really awkward. What do you do?

With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: How do you deal with someone who mini-stalks you? This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from

Cathy: We’ve all had times where people really enjoyed being with us or we’ve enjoyed being with them, but sometimes people don’t really get our boundaries they’re always looking for ways to connect maybe way past the point we feel comfortable. They may find out what bus we ride and end up on it.

Reid: “How come you haven’t accepted my Facebook friend request?”

Cathy: Yes, “I’d like to go out. How about Thursday night for the movies and Friday night …”

Reid: “I’m following you on Twitter now.”

Cathy: “And Saturday there is a picnic. Would you like to go to that?” It can be really overwhelming sometimes. Some people are just really excited because you match something they were looking for or they think you match something that they were looking for, and they’re just trying to get their needs met. It can be really hard to deal with it because they don’t always hear you.

Reid: So basically, let’s just call this like the Midwest problem where you’re just really nice to people. You’re kind of hoping that they get the hint because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. The first thing to look at is have you communicated clearly to them what you want and what you need. In the essence of; somebody sits down next to you on the bus which means they know what bus you’re on. Now they’re always on that bus.

Cathy: If they work with you then they might be on the bus because they work with you, but if they’re always sitting next to you and you’re like, “I really like to use this time for my wake-up, listen to my Ipod.”

Reid: Don’t even go the route like, “Hey, I see you all the time at work. I’m just going to sit at another seat,” because it kind of gives them permission to see you all the time at work. What you need to do is, “I’m going to move my seat. Please don’t follow me. I need space away from you. Thank you.” Then get up and move.

Understand that if you’re watching this video you are already not a mean person. Because a mean person wouldn’t watch this video because they’re just going to tell the person to go F themselves, and then just be me, me, me, me, me. So how do you do this compassionately?

Cathy: I think understanding what your needs are and being really clear with them and knowing that you’re articulating them clearly. A lot of us were trained to be polite and kind of say, “I’m too busy.” You never actually say no. It might be that you have to say, “I don’t want to do social events with you. Please don’t ask me again.” You might have to be that clear.

Reid: Don’t say, “Oh, maybe next time.” Because they will invite you again.

Cathy: You’re just encouraging them. You may want to bring a friend in so there’s three people. They might hear you better if there are three people there.

Reid: And again, some of us have had life histories where saying no and speaking up for ourselves or telling somebody to blow off is tricky because our speaking up for ourselves has been met with violence in the past. Understand that you may want to have a third person, especially if that person’s also kind of being mini-stalked. If this is in a business environment you should talk to your manager. You should definitely do it in an email so that there’s a paper trail that you cc HR, or however you do that to set yourself up to get support and not keep this an alone thing that you have to figure out yourself.

Cathy: Where you’re building up more and more resentment and anger.

Reid: Yeah. And because it’s very possible that this person is mini-stalking you doesn’t really know they’re doing it. They just are really hungry for connection and companionship and you’re awesome.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: And sometimes they’re somebody who’s gaming the system. Make sure you get support and make sure that you feel safe, and don’t worry about being too mean. Again, if you’re watching this video you’re already probably a really nice person and you just don’t know how to tell this person that you need space.

Cathy: Thank you so much for sharing such a vulnerable question. We hope this helps.

Reid: Leave your comments. How do you politely tell somebody to buzz off?  Next video, bye.

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