It can be hard to discuss safer sex issues with your partner if you’ve been in a relationship and may
already be physically intimate. How do you bring the subject up without hurting feelings, and is it even worth it?
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they discuss how you can use this to create more ease and passion in the bedroom.
Cathy: We just did a video on having a safer sex elevator speech on your date. But if you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you may feel really awkward to bring it up. You’ve already been sleeping together. You’re already together. You’re like if I bring it up, they might think I don’t trust them. There’s all kinds of fears that can come up. So how can you have that conversation with someone you’ve been with for a while?
Reid: Show them this video and be like hey, this is awkward. We’ve been blanking for a while now and I realized we haven’t had the safer sex speech so I watched this video, you’re watching it with me, oh my goodness, let’s have the conversation now. Basically, the main things is it’s a difficult conversation. So go watch our difficult conversation video and be like hey, honey, there’s something I’m not saying, here’s what I’m afraid of might happen if I bring it up, here’s what I want to have happen by bringing it up and here’s what I want to talk to you about. I’d like to have a safer sex elevator conversation with you so that I can’t get out of my head about this.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Now if you’re dating somebody who freaks out and cannot ever trust you again because you need to talk about safer sex, guess what. That’s your signal. You should not be dating them. You should be breaking up with them. Because if they’re not mature enough to have a safer sex speech with you, then like what kind of maturity do they bring into the rest of the relationship. Now they can freak out for a second, that’s okay. You can surprise people. People don’t always handle new information well.
Cathy: Well and our society puts a lot of shame around any discussion of STDs like you’re a bad person but I love — I was at a talk you gave and you asked everyone what the most common form of STD was and everyone was like herpes, chlamydia whatever and you’re like no it’s the common cold.
Reid: That’s right.
Cathy: Which totally —
Reid: The common cold.
Cathy: That normalized it for me and it helped take some of the shame out of it. Anytime you can free up some brainpower or energy or focus when we’re in a relationship, that’s that much more to make it fun and juicy. So it’s worthwhile taking the step and getting to know each other and getting this out of the way.
Reid: Yeah. So watch the first video because we role modeled the safer sex elevator speech and basically this video is really just to give you guys some tools for how do you bring it up if you feel really awkward because you should have had the conversation but you didn’t and now you’re in a relationship. This goes for you if you’ve been married for years.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: There’s nothing wrong with saying hey, you know, I am afraid of getting my test results. I want to conquer this fear, will you go with me to the clinic and let’s get tested.
Cathy: I’ve actually blamed it on Reid, blamed it on him.
Reid: You can blame it on me too.
Cathy: It’s kind of a fun way to do it. It’s like this guy I know does this elevator speech, would you be willing to try it out. And that might take some of the angst out of it too.
Reid: Yeah. You guys can always blame me, it’s kind of like a national blame Reid day and that day is every day.
Cathy: Right. But it could be fun. You know, when we’ve been with someone for a while, we kind of think we know what they like and if we’re not talking to them, we may just assume we know what they like. If we ask them part of this speech is what do you like.
Reid: Yeah. So the basic formula for the speech is you share when you were tested last, what were your statistics like what did you get tested for and how did you — you know, were you negative, were you positive for something. It’s okay if you’re like I’ve never been tested, I don’t know what my status is. Because again like you’re role modeling honesty and transparency with people, which eventually strengthens relationships. If honesty and transparency destroys your relationship and it burns to the ground and it can never be rebuilt again, that’s a relationship you’re not supposed to be in.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Trust me on that one. So then you share your stats then you share your relationship status, anything that you want them to know about your relationship style, your identity, your gender expression. Then you’re going to share whatever your safer sex needs are. What are your protocols? Do you need condoms for certain things, do you need dental dams and gloves for other things? Do clothes need to stay completely on because you just don’t — you’re not into sex? Whatever that stuff is that’s when you share that. Then you share anything that they need to know that might have happened since you were last tested that might be a concern for somebody. You know, you had sex with somebody and the condom came off and you haven’t been tested since then whatever those things are. Then you finish up with something that you like either sensually or sexually or something that you’re maybe up for doing with them and then something that you don’t like sexually or sensually or something that you’re definitely not into doing with them, something that’s not on the table. Then you always end with and how about you? Because you want them to go through that same elevator speech where they’re sharing with you what their status is, what their relationship self-expression is like, any important things you need to know, how they like their safer sex, things that have happened since they were last tested, something that they like, something that they don’t like. And this is a really great way to get people to open up and for you to role model that it’s okay to talk about this stuff.
Cathy: Yeah. The more communication there is in the bedroom and outside the bedroom, the better your relationship is going to be.
Reid: If you’re somebody who’s been together with somebody for years, you’ve never had this conversation just because it was never needed, how cool to try something new.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Especially around role modeling for each other that it’s okay to talk about sex and okay to talk about stuff that might be awkward.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Awesome. Leave some comments below. Let us know what you think. Check out our other videos and we’ll see you digitally soon.
Cathy: Thanks everyone.
Reid: Bye.