In my last article, I talked about Kissing in the rain isn’t romance! – What is Romance and Why Does It Matter?
In case you haven’t read the article, I shared that despite what media and culture tell us, if you cut through the BS and the music swelling/tear-jerking movie hype, romance just means leaving people feeling appreciated, significant, cared about, and valued. And I promised to teach you some approaches that will make creating romance… For your partner, date, significant other, as well as your boss, friends, and that 5th cousin twice removed you only see at family reunions… Lots easier and more rewarding for YOU and them.
So What’s The Next Tip?
Creating romance has a lot of upside and win-win. It can help you be the hero everyone wants to spend time with. It can help you leave people feeling seen and heard and warm. It can even help you rekindle (or create) a spark you thought was lost. And, most people think it’s REALLY hard to do, but that’s because they’re stuck in a fairy tale… A Romance Fairy Tale.
Let me explain.
In our culture, in our fairy tales, and in every Hallmark movie ever created, there is one false premise. And it destroys connection, creates blame, and causes people to feel unloved.
What is that false premise??
The myth that “If he/she really loved me, they’d know what I really wanted… Without me saying a word.”
The Myth of Mind Reading.
This belief is single-handedly responsible for more drama and hurt feelings (on both sides) than any I can think of right now. I want you to toss this out the window and wash your hands of it.
It’s one thing to pay attention to your partners, and notice and remember things that are important to them (I have a few tricks up my sleeve for that one, keep your eyes peeled for my email on Monday for more of those details!)… It’s a whole other can of worms to guess what makes your partner happy.
Guessing (A.K.A mind reading) does not work.
If your partner probably doesn’t know what makes them feel romanced most of the time, how are YOU supposed to? Ohhhhh, you’re supposed to magically know because you love them. Riiiiiiiiiiight.
The good news is that there’s a waaaaaay easier and more powerful way to create romance, romance that actually works for your loved ones!
I want to encourage you… Wait for it… To… Talk to your partner and get them to help you create romance!
Show them this email. Tell them how much they matter to you, and that you care about helping them feel loved and appreciated. Then make the process of exploring and creating romance a team effort, one where you get to explore and discover what works and what doesn’t, together!
Think about it: Doing it this way takes a bunch of pressure off. If something doesn’t go as planned, or doesn’t land well, you can giggle together, learn from it, and move on. No hurt feelings. No damaged egos. Just a funny story to share with friends over wine some night.
Get the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and read it together. Read this article How To Make Your Partner Feel More Romanced and discover if you are a Cat (wants planning and forethought) or a Dog (wants affirmation that they’re doing a good job) in relationships. Then start exploring ways to create romance for each other. Share and talk about what works, what failed misserably, and how to brainstorm which ideas to try next.
This co-creative romantic process can make your relationship an adventure, and as you get to know yourself and your partner more deeply, you both get to be ninjas at romance… Able to create warmth and connection in the blink of an eye, and a brush of the lips.
By eradicating the Myth of Mind Reading from romance, you can empower your relationship in new ways, and kick a lot of blame, conflict, and distress to the curb. You deserve to have a deep and loving connection… And the world is hungering for people who can help create and sustain warmth and appreciation.
See you on Monday when I share some tips on remembering your partner’s preferences, and easy ways to create romance without spending hours storming the castle on that white horse.
xxREiD