Confidence and Instinct In The Bedroom [Article]

by Reid on January 8, 2014

Making UpAm I Good In Bed… Yes, I am! Or Am I?

It’s an ironic truth that being confident often makes people appear much sexier… And yet, in most people’s minds there is the question, “Am I good in bed?”

Confidence in bed can be very attractive… it can spark interest, ignite passion, and explode into orgasmic bliss. Yet, that confidence can be so hard to find. Being physically intimate with someone is pretty vulnerable. Everyone likes different things, and even if you’re in a monogamous, committed relationship, moods change from day to day, and what worked on your loved one last week may flop the next.

Part of the problem, even a big chunk of the problem, is how society views sexuality. 1) Most people aren’t taught anything more than insert peg A into slot B. And then, to compound matters… 2) people are taught never to talk about what works for them or what they experience in the bedroom. That’s private.

For a vast majority of people the only education they get on how to connect physically with a partner are some pictures of Fallopian tubes presented by a very embarrassed gym teacher, some stories whispered behind the bleachers at school, or porn they Googled late at night when no one’s around.

Society seems to rely on people following their instincts and figuring intimacy out on their own. But instincts will only get you so far.

Let me give you an analogy: Just like the human drive to be sexual, there is a human drive to eat.

People would probably keep themselves fed if they were never taught table manners or how to cook… But if human’s only relied on instinct to dictate knowledge and skills around food, dinner would be a lot messier, and a lot less appetizing. Few people are going to instinctually know how create mac-and-cheese, or chocolate cake, or green beans almondine! And they’re not going to know how to instinctually eat with others in a pleasing way.

Woman in red polo shirt with tape across her mouth and hands over earsNow imagine that you couldn’t even talk to most people about eating… What if, in fact, you were supposed to kind of pretend you DIDN’T eat. You might be able to whisper to your best friend that you found a patch of ripe kale or spinach yesterday and had a great time and a full belly, but nothing more. Well mannered people don’t talk about such things.

How confident would you feel about eating if this was the case? And how much pleasure would you get from your dinner, not knowing if you were doing it “right” or if you were good in the kitchen? If you did find someone you wanted to share a meal with, and you finally got the nerve up to ask them, you couldn’t be sure if you were offering them the right food, or eating your food in the “right” way. What if you were eating something “wrong” or shameful! And what if this other person told people about what you did? Criticized you for how you ate? Would you feel relaxed and able to share a delightful evening?

If we could just go some place and learn about food and eating… Learn from someone we trusted to show us what kinds of food could be pleasant to eat, and different things we might try to find discover our favorite foods, and how to tell healthy cooking practices from harmful ones… If only that person could show us how to cook with different ingredients and for different guests…

Luckily for my stomach, there are some great places to learn how to cook! And there are lots of books on dining etiquette out there, and how to serve an amazing meal for your loved ones!

Just like we don’t instinctively know how to eat and cook above a primitive level, we don’t instinctively know how to connect physically with artistry and confidence. Sex is one of the few things in Culture that we’re discouraged to ask specifics about or share openly about. That lack of knowledge and confidence this generates can be a HUGE source of shame and hesitancy for many people.

It can be uncomfortable to start learning and asking questions, especially given the myth that people are “supposed” to automatically know how to have sex. I encourage you to start asking questions, and getting information on how bodies work, and how to “cook up” a fantastic experience for yourself and those you wish to “share a meal” with.

Sex, intimacy and affection can be super nutritious! Don’t wait! Don’t starve yourself!

Older, black couple cooking in the kitchen have a blast!Learn To Cook That Meal Alone Or Together

A curious thing I’ve noticed in today’s Relationship Landscape is when single people say, “I’ll learn this when I get a partner,” often nothing much changes for them… A similar situation occurs for couples, too: They put off working on “the sex” for when they have time for it (Couples with newborn children are a great example of this dynamic in action, btw). Time passes and they never “get to it.” The result: Often the intimacy and connection in the relationship suffers.

However, for those single folks and busy couples who decide to geek out on learning the ins and out of sex (see what I did there!)… They both often experience sudden bursts in confidence and curiosity that -guess what?- makes them more alive and attractive IN LIFE! For the single folks, when they feel like they’re prepared to date and look for a partner, sometimes they end up attracting someone special quite quickly. For those busy couples, they end up juicing up their day to day relationship by bouncing that self-confidence, attractiveness, and aliveness off one another (something that can be super useful when you’re sleep-deprived from raising babies – your mileage may vary. LOL).

For the last 7 years, I’ve wanted to create a place where I could teach about sexuality. I’ve taught workshops all over the US and in Canada. I’ve lectured at colleges, and appeared on national and international TV. Along the way I gathered questions, ideas, and different approaches. I’ve shared ideas and gotten feedback from those who’ve “field tested” my concepts in their bedrooms. And I’ve geek out and fine-tuned my ideas and concepts further, as well as how best to teach those concepts in ways that are super easy for adults to learn, regardless of their experience levels.

I’ve found that so much of what’s out there around intimacy and sexuality is either outdated, misdirected, or taught in a way that’s dry and clinical rather than fun and playful the way sex should be. Of the thousands of books, websites, and workshops that promise to help you become better in bed, some may bring you up to a “peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” level of intimacy and prowess. A few may teach you chef like skills in one, speciality cuisine area only. Who’s designed a “cooking school” aimed at teaching you how to cook a gourmet experience that authentic to YOU? Who’s teaching you how to THINK about cooking? How to tap into the joy of cooking no matter what dish you or a loved one is craving?

In a world -especially online- where so much of what people are trying to teach is about fitting into someone else’s paradigm of what a good man or woman or lover is… In a world where solutions are about focusing on techniques rather than how to BE with people and their bodies… My passion is in blending communication with vulnerability and self-awareness, and building on top of those skills an understanding of HOW pleasure works… My passion is showing people how to be authentic and powerful, and how to bring ALL of themselves to whatever experience they’re embarking on, and how to participate in bed (and in Life) with presence, natural connection, and skill.

Isn’t that what sex and intimacy are supposed to be? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to talk openly and without fear or shame about what bigstock-Happy-Romantic-Couple-Enjoying-31765724YOU LIKE? And to be a role model for your loved ones so that THEY can talk and share and explore with you what works for them?

Wouldn’t having access to things like that expand the possibilities of your sex life 10-fold? What would being THAT person, being THAT confident be like? How would you walk in the world then? What would you ask for? Create? Invite into your life?… What kind of transformation would that make available to you this year?

I invite you to check out some of the sex geeky programs in my Sex Geek Boutique and upgrade your playtime tonight!



Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: