Transitioning From A Polyamorous Lifestyle To A Monogamous Relationship
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “I would love to hear Reid’s thoughts about transitioning from a poly lifestyle to entering a monogamous relationship.” This is Reid Mihalko from https://www.ReidAboutSex.com/.
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from https://TheIntimacyDojo.com/ and hear my thoughts. Can you hear them? Cathy, can you hear them?
Cathy: No.
Reid: I don’t know what my thoughts should be. From poly into monogamy.
Cathy: So it sounds like they’ve been living the poly lifestyle and they met someone they want to be in a monogamous relationship.
Reid: Okay, so it would be like being on a touring rock and roll band and then you wake up one day and you want to be in a small duet band that plays just in one city.
Cathy: One, we don’t know how many, how big their poly like their poly group would have been.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Before. So you’re assuming it’s a rock and roll band or big group but it could be just a little people.
Reid: Tour bus.
Cathy: It could have just been a couple of people
Reid: Cheering crowds.
Cathy: You could be poly and be single.
Reid: You can, you can. But this is not what they’re saying
Cathy: No. But they’re entering a monogamous relationship.
Reid: Entering a monogamous relationship so they’re leaving polyville road sign entering monogamyville, alright?
Cathy: So my thoughts are at least starting is let your friends know that your rules have changed. So you may have been you may have had some lovers or people you’re playing around with, the community may have been looking to hook you up, I would let them know, “Hey! Listen my boundaries have changed, I am now in a monogamous relationship.”
Reid: So your Facebook setting it says, less complicated.
Cathy: Possibly.
Reid: No longer complicated, those are poly joke.
Cathy: It was funny.
Reid: Thank you.
Cathy: But you know letting people know and then I think just paying attention to what you’re noticing about yourself that transition could be challenging. I think different people are wired different ways, some people are fine doing monogamous or poly whichever they happen to be in, some people are very monogamous, some people are very poly like where are you on the spectrum if you tend to be wired towards poly, there may be more challenges as you try to adapt to a monogamous relationship. So I think having a therapist or coach to talk to or some friends where you can talk about the process what you’re noticing coming up for you and talking to your partner too about you where you want to put those lines because that is very independent, that’s very dependent on the individual relationship. So I have friends that I have deep love for that in some monogamous relationships our relationship would not be okay. So like my friend Rick and I, we cuddle, we love each other, we go out people or how long have you been married, we’re not sexual, we’re not dating or romantic, we’re very romantic, we’re not sexual or in a relationship in that sense. In many relationships what we have together would be threatening to another person. So you get to talk to your partner and figure out where you do what to define is monogamous, is it okay to have deep friendships and that’s something you have to agree with your partner and find out what’s a good fit for you.
Reid: It’s a little bit of variation for those of you who aren’t poly. It’s kind of being mindful when you’re still close with your exes and you’re entering into a new relationship. Have you done your due diligence one with your new relationship to be like, “Hey, so just so you know these are my exes and I’m friends with them still.” And then there’s a whole conversation about when you fall in love with somebody who’s not okay with you being friends with your exes. Who’s the responsibility on like was it yours like why are you falling in love with somebody who’s not okay with you having friends who happen to be your exes and you know that’s something that a lot of people seem to struggle with, which is like my current lover or partner now doesn’t want me hanging with these friends. And I believe there’s a few pop songs about that not being okay but at the same time, how you want to handle that? How do you want to continue to talk about that? What are the bottom lines for who gets have veto power around your friendships? The other piece around poly is if you’re leaving polyville, you may want to have a conversation with your poly community about why you’re going in if you got to focus on this relationship whether you call that monogamy or not, whatever.
Cathy: Well, are you actually leaving the community as well.
Reid: Yeah like who do you need to have a conversation with? It’s maybe a lover or a secondary or something
Cathy: Or friends
Reid: or friends, also tell them that you’re an adult and you’re doing what you need for yourself and they’ll if they can be judgy about monogamy, why you’re leaving the lightened polyville world, please tell them that Reid Mihalko who’s quite poly says suck it. People get to switch and figure out what’s a thing for them and some people are really malleable you know if you date somebody who’s poly, you’re good with poly; you date with somebody who’s monogamous, you’re good with being monogamous like maybe that kind of person is actually happy with the relationships that they’re having. So don’t piss on their prey just because you have opinions….let people choose. Now, somebody’s going into a physically abusive relationship or mostly abusive relationship irregardless of what that is, I think as friends you can step in and have some conversations with folks bjt we’re not talking about “abuse” in those ways.
Cathy: Right. Yeah, I think a lot of it, it’s about communication and letting people in your life know what’s going on, being really clear with your….your monogamous partner about what the boundaries are, what you’re mutually agreeing to and then pay attention to what’s coming up for you as you go forward.
Reid: Cool, leave some comments.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: What does the interweb’s think? Oh why’s, why’s oracle. Leave a comment.