What can you do when it feels like someone is moving away from you and your relationship?
Join Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as they share.
Cathy: We had someone write to us and say that he’s so in love with the woman he’s with and he feels like he’s losing her, and he wanted to know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?
Reid: I do. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: And here is our advice. You go first.
Cathy: I go first?
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: Part of it depends on why do you think you’re losing her. Is this a common pattern for you? I can get very insecure in relationships if my life is stressful, I’m not getting enough sleep I’ll start thinking, “Oh that person is going to leave me” So, is that a pattern for you? Is that an actual problem in your relationship that you need to talk about? If it’s insecurity in general, getting a coach or a therapist or start doing some things that help you feel more secure and confident in yourself may help alleviate that.
Reid: Yeah. My advice is really going to be if you guys aren’t having the conversation about what you are insecure about or what you’re afraid about, then it’s quite possible most of what’s going on the anxiousness is in your head. You may be reading everyone’s mind correctly and it actually may be coming true but the only way to change course is to bring it up and start talking about it. And if in bringing it up, it forces everyone’s hand and it becomes obvious that we’re all transitioning and we have to dismantle the relationship that was probably going to happen anyway. Like the walking on egg shells philosophy, don’t rock the boat and you’ll get further along.
Times have changed, so if you want to have a real relationship with capital R, you need to be able to share with your partner, like, “Honey, I’m afraid I’m losing you. I need some reassurance like can you tell me what’s going on for you and can you reassure me.” So, it’s really about bringing up what is going on for you, what you’re afraid of usually, right. Because when we’re not afraid, we’re usually sharing everything. It’s when we’re afraid that we climb up. What you’re afraid of and what the need is underneath and in inviting the people to share back with you what’s actually going on for them. By you opening up, you have the best shot at creating a safer space to encourage other people to come forward with anything that they’re withholding.
Cathy: When you share, if you can share really specific things from the recent past, that can help the person relate. So if you say, “That time three years ago when you said bla, bla, bla”, It kind of seems like you’re judging up a lot of history. I like it when someone comes to me and says, “Okay, 10 minutes ago when you said this, this is what I noticed I was feeling.” And when you use I statements it lets the person feel less blamed and on the defensive.
Reid: Yeah. So, be a better communicator about things but mostly bring up and practice and continue to bring up the things that are bothering you. For the most part, you may be having this whole insecure experience in your head and it’s not real for the other person.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So you’re working yourself up and creating the distance when the other person is just going through a tough time at work or with family members and …
Cathy: You have PMS, or they’re grumpy today because …
Reid: Yeah, whatever that is, very distant from you for reasons that have nothing to do about you and you’re just taking it all personally and running a whole worst case scenario situation.
Cathy: I really recommend you check out Relationship10x.com as well, it’s Reid’s course and he takes people through understanding what the purpose … like what do you want to get out of a relationship, different exercises to really help you identify what can strengthen the connection you have.
Reid: Thanks. Yeah, if you want to geek out on that stuff check our 10X out. Leave your comments, let us know what you think. This video brought to you by somebody else’s comment. Bye.