Approaching Your Partner About Anal Play

by Reid on April 10, 2015

Portrait Of Romantic Young African American Couple In ParkIf you’re curious about anal play and want to bring it up with your partner, how can you start?

With Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from


Cathy: Hi.  Have you ever wondered how to approach your partner about anal play?

Reid: Whoa.  Man, easy.  Take it easy there.

Cathy: Did you know there were 8,000 nerve endings in the anus?

Reid: Whoa.  No wonder.  There’s a cat walking around here.

Cathy: Do you want to restart it?

Reid: No.  That’s life.

Cathy: It’s life.

Reid: It’s real.  Back to anal play.  Yikes.

Cathy: How do you bring it up with a partner when you haven’t done it before and you’d like to try it?  You’re curious.

Reid: Do not do it while … I love the cat.  Do not do it during sex.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: Don’t be like, “Hey, honey.  While I’m down here, what are your thoughts on anal play?”  Or they’re like (sound effect).

Cathy: Try to sneak it in there like they won’t notice?

Reid: Yes, because a lot of people initiate the conversation by that (sound effect), little reach around.

Cathy: And see how people react.  Yes.

Reid: Get a little (sound effect).

Cathy: Some people aren’t into it, some people are and there’s nothing wrong.  We all have different turn-ons and different things we like and for …

Reid: (Sound effect).

Cathy:… for people that enjoy anal stimulation, it can be very fun.

Reid: Yes.  What I would recommend is have a conversation about it outside of the bedroom, which is going to feel weird, but there’s lots of great advice. Megan Andelloux says “Have those difficult conversations while you’re driving, because you both can like look straight ahead.

Cathy: And ignore each other.

Reid: And ignore each other. You can turn the radio up because it’s like, “Oh, it’s uncomfortable.  Oh, I love this song.”  But mostly what you’re having a conversation about is the idea about possibly trying it.

Cathy: Yes and kind of getting people to try out the idea, rather than, “Let’s do this now, honey.”

Reid: Because a lot of couples, no matter what it is, anal play or whatnot, think that if we open up the Pandora’s Box, so to speak, we won’t be able to close it.  If we even have the conversation, oh my God, goodness, now we’re not going to be able to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill and that’s actually not true.  You can have a conversation about the consideration of doing this.  You can have a conversation about the conversation that we might have about this.

Cathy: Or just a conversation about can we watch a video to learn more.

Reid: Mm-hmm. The other thing that I would strongly recommend for people and Sadie Allison talks about this in her book, “Tickle My Tush.”  Also, Tristan Taormino has great books on anal.  You know, so knowledge is power.

Cathy: Yes.

Reid: But the biggest thing is start playing with each other’s butts without it having to be or do anything about penetration.  What you’re going to do is you’re going to explore creating pleasure and sensation around the buttocks, without having it have to include the anus or you’re going to do massage and things where you can graze the butt, but not actually do anything with penetration, because most people’s fears are about the penetration part and you can learn a lot to learn how to be more penetrative in ways that work well for folks, but the big thing is like you can create a ton, I won’t say shit load, a ton of pleasure by all this stuff outside, which is technically butt play.  We just don’t think about it like that.

Cathy: Even when you go to get a massage, most people don’t go to the glute muscles and it’s great.  There’s a lot of tension there.  We sit on them all day.

Reid: Yes.  And even just all the pleasure that happens in your crack, because, oh my God, no one touches it there.  This is the basic thing.  It’s all about baby steps, having the conversation, not in bed and then exploring a lot of different kinds of butt pleasure without it having to include anal penetration at all.

Cathy: And if you decide to explore there later …

Reid: Do some research.

Cathy: Yes.  Thank you.

Reid: Tell us what you think on the bottom.

Cathy: Leave comments below.

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