Walk With Reid Facebook Live: Challenges on Safer Sex Conversations
Reid: Alright! Let’s take it here the way I want it. Good morning campers! It is Reid from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and we’re here for our morning walk or afternoon walk depending on where you are and I don’t have a lot of time today because I’ve got a coaching client. I have to jump on Skype with in a little bit but as I was making my coffee and Good morning to everyone!
I wanted to talk really take about 10-15 minutes to talk about a particular thing that a lot of people have challenges with. Maybe not you but a lot of people when I tour around speaking at colleges certainly and speaking at other venues and events and groups. A lot of adults have a tricky challenge with safer sex conversations and as a sex geek clearly labeled and as a nerd and also for me as I shared in like other little walk and talk is where I stand here on my treadmill on my walking desk chatting with you. One of the things for me that I had to fight as I was growing up was the nervousness the awkwardness of having the talk, the …the safer sex conversation and one of the things that I eventually kind of came to was one as a teacher like realizing the part of my difficulty but also other people’s difficulties or that a lot of people were just never taught a really simple way to have the safer sex conversation and understanding that for me certainly and it seems to be for other folks that that having the talk we have this fear of saying the wrong thing or doing it wrong and that then there will be no sex like we will ruin the moment. And I want to spend the couple of minutes teaching a really simple way to look at having the safer sex conversation and why it’s really important and then the title I am I put a… Better End Safer Sex By Scaring People Away and there there’s a resource link which is https://reidaboutsex.com/elevator/ which is a…a link to the article and also for you to be able to download a handout for having your safer sex elevator speech and I’m going to talk about why this is all important in a minute and how this can help you and help your friends.
But first I want to do a quick check and make sure that people can hear me. So just let me know in the comments if you can if you can hear me fine like I’m just I’m still trying to make sure that that all of the all the technologies working. And for those of you who were who haven’t seen me doing my little treadmill walk and talk, I’ve got my phone actually I can hear my other computer. Hang on. I’ve got my phone taped to my…my big screen I’ve got my laptop over here and I’ve got a safari window open so that Eye care chrome window open so that I can watch the video but more importantly see the comments because it’s kind of hard to read all the comments on the phone and for some reason, Oh there we go. There are the comments. So Good morning everyone! Hi Vera! Hi Greg! Karen hello! You look great! I can be a little bit louder okay. Hang on Matt Harris it’s going to make noise. Let’s see if I put this. Alright, so I’m going to try to speak a little louder for…for those of you watching at home. Ummm Okay. Thanks Greg! Great. And we’ve got Kathryn from Nashville. Mallory hello…hello! So I’m going to dive in because I’ve got a…a coaching client call in a little bit so I’m going to have to jump off and prep for that.
So here’s the deal, safer sex elevator speech when you realize that most people have never been taught how to have the talk and that we’re supposed to be having some sort of safer sex talk and you add to it that most people are afraid that they’re going to say the wrong thing and ruin the opportunity and all the sex is going to go away because if you realize from a nerdy perspective how your reptile your reptile brain and your fear brain work it’s not like, “Oh, if I say the wrong thing I’ll be able to clean it up. I’ll be able to correct what I said and apologize and then we will have the sex.” The way your fear brain works is that if you say the wrong thing all sex will be taken away from for you…you know from you forever like it’s just going to go away for all time and you never have any other sex again ever. So this is also why a lot of people have challenges speaking up in bed because we’re afraid we’re going to say the wrong thing or ask for the wrong thing and then all the sex is going to go away. We’re just going to ruin the moment but not right then and be able to fix it. We’re going to ruin the moment irreparably and then we’re never going to be able to fix it and we’re never going to get to have whatever we want it’s all going to be taken away like that’s kind of how our fear brains work.
So here’s what’s really useful I think and as somebody for those of you who don’t know this it is kind of all over the Internet, I’m very promiscuous. I have a lot of sex with a lot of people and that’s not to brag about it but what I’m what I do want to let you know is as somebody who does sleep with a lot of people having conversations about what you want and being able to have the talk very openly and frankly and you get better at things over time. So if you start today and you’re really horrible and nervous about having a safer sex conversation over time with practice you will just get better and better at it and then what happens is you end up being more confident and accomplished and even though you might get awkward and nervous you can have the conversations that are difficult for and challenging for a lot of other people. That kind of competency and awareness and self-assuredness one I think is really sexy and two it allows you to make other people feel comfortable because you’re initiating a really uncomfortable conversation for most folks and you’re doing it in a way where you’re just kind of having it as like it’s a normal thing like it’s not a big deal. It is a conversation that we should be having so here let me start and by breaking the ice in that way and you initiating what can be for other people are really…really difficult conversation while it might feel awkward and a little bit like “Ohhh. That’s really direct we’re having the conversation.” You are actually lifting a huge weight and worry off of people’s shoulders and demonstrating that you are a grown up and that you can have grown up conversations where this has a…a secondary benefit is that if you scare somebody away by having a grown-up conversation about safer sex needs and desires and your STI status. If you scare people away from having sex with you because you wanted to have a direct conversation, compassionate and cogent with them about safer sex, I think you’re better off ‘coz you just scared away somebody who who’s not capable of having a grown-up conversation.
This can be a little bit tricky for folks who feel like they’re never going to ever connect with anybody or people who are challenged with a lot of loneliness, people who have a lot of you know scarcity in their life, maybe not are aren’t getting their monkey needs met, maybe haven’t had a lot of human contact in a while this is where things like cuddle party can be really useful you know where you’re getting your non sexual touch needs met and…and kind of shoring up and filling your tanks there around just social interaction. But over time as somebody who sleeps with a lot of people who has been sleeping with a lot of people for a long time for decades now what’s been really important is the quality and caliber of people that I attract into my life has risen dramatically over the years because not only have I scared away the people who can’t you know handle the grown-up conversation. Word got out that I’m somebody who has grown up conversations around sex and…and desires and sensuality which has like a beacon in the night attracted people who also desire and appreciate those levels of conversation.
So I’m just letting you know here that while it might seem scary that you’re having the conversation you’re going to scare people away. My evidence and experiences have been you end up scaring the…the right people away and attracting better folks for the most part and you’re also role modeling for your communities how to have these grown up conversations in a way where now everybody is starting to work on their fear of speaking up. Everybody’s starting to go get tested more regularly. Everyone’s having these grown up conversations it doesn’t mean that people won’t test positive for an STI or something like that. It doesn’t mean that people won’t you know have the difficult relationships or bad breakups or things like that. But what it does is, it up levels the…the community that you’re surrounding yourself with. And that over time if you have people being more grown-up and honest and transparent with each other around something as…as powerful as sex that also means that you’re building those muscles you’re exercising those muscles to have grown up conversations about things like money, about things like you know parenting and raising families and just being friends. So hopefully over time what you end up doing is creating and attracting community around you that actually can navigate life when it gets difficult and that overall I think just creates a better more fruitful world for you and so I’m not saying that that having your safer sex elevator speech will solve all of your problems but I do think that practicing it will help upgrade and up level the life that you might be wanting to create for yourself and attracting better more awesome more badass people into your world.
So the…the quick version here because I’m going to have to jump up off of this call or this talk in a couple of minutes because I have a coaching client. The quick format for the safer sex elevator speech and you can go to https://reidaboutsex.com/elevator/ a and…a and…and Andrea, yes we…we know that my t-shirt’s backwards and we’re trying to find a way to flip the iPhone for some reason when we have it in selfie mode on Facebook this is what happens. So we’re…we’re aware that my sex geek’s backwards and we’re trying to fix it we haven’t we haven’t figured out a hack. If anybody gets to it and can figure out how to flip this during a live broadcast I’m on an iPhone and I would love to I would love to have that. It’ll be less annoying.
So that…. safer sex elevator speech really quickly go to https://reidaboutsex.com/elevator/ there’s an article, you can sign up to get a…a PDF download that you can print out put on your fridge. You can hand that out to your friends. Please post and share that link with folks. Share this video while I talk about this but the basic format for the elevator speech and you can you can change it and make it your own and add things in, take things out but the basic format is…is seven steps and the first is you share when was the last time you got tested and what’s your result? When did you get tested and the…and what…what are the statuses of for what you got tested for? So that’s the scariest thing for most people but so you get that right out of the way right it first you know it’s like would you like to hear my safer sex elevator speech? They say yes and then you say when you were last tested? What your results were? And then the second step is you give them any information that will help them win with you. So that’s like you know do you know what’s your relationship status? Do you have any…any other partners or relationship agreements? What are your preferred pronouns if that’s important to you? Is there you know a particular you know dirty word they should be or…or a name they should call your genitals like you know Batman or something like that? Are there words that they should stay away from using in the bedroom things like that? So the second step that’s where you really get to make it your own like what’s that information that’s going to help them win with you? And then the third step is you sharing whatever you’re safer sex protocols are? What are the… your needs when you’re having your safer sex? So you’ve got your when were you last tested? What your results were? All that information that helps them win with you relationship status; if you have any primary partners maybe you’re fluid bonded with the…with another lover or something like that; your pronouns gender things that you…you want to you know help people understand you with? Then you’ve got your safer sex protocols what are those needs that you have in the bedroom for your sex to feel emotionally and physically safe and also for you to…to you know be able to adhere to the relationship agreements and…and safer sex agreements you have with other people and then you add in anything that is new information since last time you were tested like maybe you had a condom break the week before and you haven’t been tested since then or you have been tested and you didn’t get your results back. So you’re just giving people up to date information about your status and then the last three steps something that you like to do sexually essentially it doesn’t necessarily have to be something that you want to do with this person and then something that you don’t like to do sexually essentially erotically and again it doesn’t you know it doesn’t have to apply to this person but what your role modeling is it’s okay to have things that you like and it’s okay to have things that you don’t like. And then the last step is you ask the other person and how about you? and the reason this is called my elevator speech is this is the thing that once you get good at it you can do it in like two to four minutes almost like a business pitch where they talk about elevator pitches and things like that.
So I’m going to have to jump off this call because I’ve got a coaching client in a in a couple of minutes. I just want to say thank you to all of you who were going along for me on this ride of me getting on my treadmill my walking desk once a day and just you know geeking out with you all around sex and relationships. When I have a regular sex geek t-shirt on that’s going to be sexual relationship advice and when you see me with my green sex geek summer camp t-shirt that will be business advice for sex educators, workshop facilitators, healers and things like that. So I have to jump off to another call.
I’ll read and answer the comments as quickly as I can. Thank you everybody for our little you know joining me on our little walk together and…and I hope this is fun and valuable. Leave a comment.
What’s been useful about this particular talk for you today? And the…and I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye!