My Fiancee Thinks He’s A Great Lover… But I Need Him To Rev My Engine: Part 3
How can I communicate my needs to my partner better? Find out with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: We had someone write in and this is a third video in the series, she…she wrote: “My fiancée…I’m sort of assuming that a she could be a he, my fiancée feels that he’s a great lover but dot, dot, dot he could use some a bit of help with revving up my engine. How do I teach him how to do that without making him feel like he’s not a great lover?” I’m here with Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/
Reid: This is the voice of Reid Mihalko from Reid Mihalko https://reidaboutsex.com/
Cathy: And I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/. I gave him too much coffee today sorry.
Reid: Yes. No, but we had….we have somebody write in, always write in. We love hearing from you
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: that when Cathy says this is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/, this…this was a blind person listening to the videos and they’re like “That’s not Reid’s voice.”
Cathy: Yeah but if I say I’m here with Reid Mihalko I think that’s okay.
Reid: That’s okay
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: but then I like this is the voice of Reid Mihalko. Okay video three, go!
Cathy: Yeah, so we were talking about this in the previous videos and one of the things I wanted to talk about was the speaking up. So I’m going to speak from my experience as a cisgender female like I imagine many different…all different genders experience too but I can’t speak to that experience
Reid: Okay
Cathy: I was brought up that a woman is supposed to be delighted and pleased by whatever the person she’s in bed with does.
Reid: Okay
Cathy: So I…
Reid: If it were only that easy.
Cathy: Well and actually I would I took a long time and I still fall, if I’m really nervous I’ll still fall back into this, if they were doing something I didn’t like
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: I would be even more enthusiastic somehow thinking that that would make them change that how well they were doing.
Reid: Oh wow, yeah.
Cathy: And I wouldn’t speak up because they were going to figure it out somehow or if they really cared they noticed that I wasn’t
Reid: Yup
Cathy: actually turn on but I was making all the right noises and moving and then
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: doing the things
Reid: like this video if you know anyone who’s ever done something like that.
Cathy: Like it twice if you’ve ever I guess you can’t
Reid: I think they can’t like it twice
Cathy: I know
Reid: Share with a friend
Cathy: Yes
Reid: Have them like
Cathy: But if we’re not giving our partners feedback then it’s not their fault if they’re not rubbing our engine so to speak. So I have had to practice and I had to out myself to some people that I’ve been sleeping with because I was like “You know what, I don’t actually like it when you do that” or “If you pull my hair too soon when I’m not turned on, I’ll make noises but I’m not really like enjoying it and I’m sorry that… I’ll own that I was giving you the wrong feedback.” So the difficult conversation formula is really useful there because it is a surprise to people they think they’ve been doing all the right things and if…if I didn’t feel safe sharing and I was too scared and kind of trained that it was if anyone was willing to be sexual with me I should be delighted and pleased and I wasn’t really being honest in the relationship. So
Reid: Which is different than a lot I mean again like I just want to put a note on this too like some people take years to find the courage to share given how we were all taught not to talk about sex
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: or not to criticize and all these other things, right? So…so when somebody shares with me new information I don’t feel like they’ve been lying to me
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: the whole time. I get why I might feel like I want to make that mean that but I’m also trying to be like “Thank God somebody’s…you’ve spoken you’ve told me”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and that’s mostly because it’s easy for me because I grew up in a family that was just filled with lies
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: and a lot of withholding so I’m just happy anyone’s telling me anything that’s real but I…I want you to understand that when your partner share with you or you share with them, they might automatically go into like “Why you’ve been lying to me all these years?”
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: That’s not what this is about. This is about I have finally found the words
Cathy: Or the courage to use the voice, my voice
Reid: you know or I’m finally in my body enough
Cathy: to even notice
Reid: to…to like I’m not numb anymore and I actually can feel and I have preferences and I’ve been doing this work
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: of self-discovery
Cathy: I used to still live up here and
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: and someone asked a karate or Taekwondo teacher said, “Well notice where your hips are.” And I was like “What?” Like
Reid: Have call hips
Cathy: I had I’d I have no idea where they are like
Reid: In both legs
Cathy: I didn’t notice. So in someone that’s a little trauma so people just never have been trained to be in their body.
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: What trick that I used with a couple partners that worked really well because it was so hard for me to say “That doesn’t feel great, that feels really good.” I couldn’t give negative feedback for a long time like that was just like “Uh!” I couldn’t get the words out and generally I like to phrase it positively like “I think I liked it more when you did that” or you know give them a direction. But we did role-playing and either you can imagine you’re with a body servant or a sex worker or whatever it is that can kind of turned you on and then you can do…
Reid: Sexy Pirate
Cathy: A sexy pirate who must do your every whim
Reid: Arrrr
Cathy: and I find this really fun with for both sides like being told what feels really good and you get to say no, you don’t have to do what they say actually but if someone you know like if you’re playing role-playing this this this woman pirate that has kidnapped this willing victim, who is going to please them sexually it’s easy to say “Oh touch me harder” or “Oh that feels great, more” like it’s not really me. It’s this pirate that’s
Reid: Yeah
Cathy: doing these things.
Reid: Or the pirates demanding that you tell me you know
Cathy: Yes
Reid: “You must speak the truth” or you know and
Cathy: Yeah, that doesn’t feel good or do you
Reid: basically whatever you can do to get yourself into a place, to give yourselves permission to start sharing, I am as a workshop teacher I’m going to tell you there’s some amazing people out there leaving these great workshops. Betty Martin has a workshop
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: called Touch Like a Pro that is just huge around learning how to think about touch and giving and receiving and…and finding words for this context. These are things that most of us were just never taught growing up and it’s not being talked about in the media you know Dr. Phil is not being like “This is how you receive touch” like it’s not like that.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: So going to workshops, learning how to find your words is really huge, really huge especially you know one, regardless of how long your relationships last you finding your words and being able use them is useful for the rest of your life and if you do end up staying together with somebody for a long time, using your words becomes something that is so useful and powerful as somebody who grew up in a family where my mom and dad didn’t have a lot of ability to communicate. And if you can speak up about sex, there’s a good chance that it that kind of courage and skill set you know seeps into other parts of your life where then
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: you can also speak up about you know little things that actually end up being big things like finances and whatnot.
Cathy: Yeah or just how you say goodbye, whatever it is. Yeah and I encourage you to be gentle with yourself, it’s okay to take baby steps, you don’t have to like…like go all out in the middle of sex. We don’t always think really well in the middle of sex, there’s a lot of oxytocin and chemicals and it’s okay to like “Hey honey I noticed that I had a really good time last night but there were a couple of times where I didn’t speak up and I just wanted to own it and I’d love to figure out a way maybe if I tapped you on the shoulder that reminds that can help you ask me more for what I’m not saying” or like come up with some kind of signal like “There’s something I want to say and I need to breathe for a minute or I…I need encouragement to share” and just opening that dialogue can make sex so much fun.
Reid: Good luck. Leave some comments, what do you think?