Feel like your voice goes away when you’re disappointed? How can you learn to speak up? Find out…
with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, thanks for doing this video, it’s about handling disappointment. Then she said, I usually stay silent when I’m disappointed. I’m finding that only causes pain and helpless feelings. I’m middle aged and trying to start a new habit of at least acknowledging disappointment aloud to someone. It’s difficult. Do you have any suggestions for how it can be easier to talk about it when you’re disappointed?
Reid: The little baby steps of practicing is really great.
Cathy: This is Reid About Sex, Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Catherine Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: Are you disappointed that I screwed up your name?
Reid: Never, never. I’m amazed that you even shoot these videos with me. Yeah, baby steps, practicing. Being disappointed can sting for some people more than for others and being able to voice it, like just practicing like un-silencing yourself and finding your voice and talking to, if you don’t have friends or if you live in a family where you’re not allowed to really talk about what’s really going on, you know, you either get some friends you can talk to, you get a therapist, somebody where you can practice having your stuff witnessed and heard and then as you build up your muscles and you’re not going to be perfect because, even I teach this stuff and I’m not perfect.
You try to speak up as quickly as you can about things and I have always found that being able to talk about it lessens the power of it so tremendously and if you hang out with people that have high emotional IQs and like being real, being witnessed by another person when you’re disappointed, especially if it’s the person who disappointed, you can be really powerful and healing.
Cathy: I practice a lot because I’m like you, I was very silent. I learned as a child no one wanted to hear it or it was just going to make it worse and so as an adult, it took some practice for me to be able to say, okay I can say this. I actually practice, my cat doesn’t care if I just, if I’m disappointed in her, so I would like practice on her. I’m like, Molly, I feel disappointed that you’re furry today, like just silly things to let my brain realize that the world wasn’t going to fall apart and she’d be like, whatever. Feed me breakfast. I actually had a friend that she had the same problem so we actually practiced, we went to lunch and we were like, I’m very disappointed that you’re not putting your napkin on your lap first.
Like we just played and we went back and forth and then we’d like reassure each other, like we’re okay. We were really awkward at it and I’m sure the waiter thought we were completely nuts but it was really powerful and my brain kind of went oh, no one’s going to, like when I was little and I told my mom I was disappointed in something, she was so stressed out and overwhelmed that she kind of had melt downs sometimes. The fact that my cat and my friend were both like okay, nothing bad happened, it just let me feel better. You don’t have to start out with the huge disappointments at first, because I think that’s really hard, but starting with the small things and just even playing that can be really powerful.
Reid: Great question and I’m super excited and happy that you wrote in and please keep continuing with your journey and with your exploration.
Cathy: Great job.
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