When Is It Ok To Hijack A Play Partner At A Play Party?
Cathy: Is it gonna fall off?
Reid: We’re here at the beach. Enjoy the beach. What do we got Cathy Vartuli? From http://theintimacydojo.com/. I’m Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com.
Cathy: So this actually happen to me, I was at a play party and one of my lovers was playing with someone else who I played with and I went over and I was just keeping them at their team until that person came back. And by the time that person came back, the first person come back we decided that the two of us wanted to play a solo instead. So when is it okay to hijack a partner or a play partner, at a play party?
Reid: I don’t know. What is it okay?
Cathy: Well we did talk, we did check in with the person that was originally gonna play with them and he was fine with it.
Reid: Right.
Cathy: But it just I thought it’s just kind of an interesting topic because there are times when things change and we are supposed to be able to change our mind a lot. But it can be if you’re set up and you’re planning with something you know…
Reid: So if you came back from the bathroom.
Cathy: And my partner was also said no I don’t want to I don’t I’m gonna play with this other person I said I might be really disappointed.
Reid: Okay so how would like, so how does that change your answer?
Cathy: Well I, can do you think people are allowed to change their mind like that we checked in and we made sure that was really okay. And we did discuss the three of us playing together.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: But we decided that we just wanted two of us just want to play.
Reid: So it sounds like it’s a situation where the original conversation something shifted?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And then people were able to handle their disappointment or remain flexible.
Cathy: Ideally, yes. Ugh. I’m being bumped by birds.
Reid: And then everything was fine. We got a bunch of birds coming. We’re at the beach if you haven’t figured that out. So the advice…
Cathy: I just I liked normalizing things and just talking about what happens.
Reid: The the quick answer is it’s always okay to change your mind at any time at a play party in any situation. Now that doesn’t mean everyone’s gonna be happy about it if you changing your mind or your partner or somebody else changing their mind is gonna put someone in emotional or physical danger. Meaning somebody is not gonna handle that disappointment or that surprise well. Then I would take a moment to reconsider if this is somebody you should be going to play parties with at all. Because there is a certain amount of emotional maturity and that doesn’t mean that you know if you reach some certain level of emotional maturity then all of a sudden you have no disappointment ever at play parties. As William Winters and the bonobo tribe says, play parties are… What was it high?
Cathy: High possibility, low expectation.
Reid: High possibility low expectation events. So you know honestly like can you handle high possibility low expectations events where you might be disappointed or surprised? And how good are you at one allowing people to change your mind and handling that and also for you being able to speak up and change your mind because if you can’t speak up when your mind has changed and that sometimes means that you end up doing things or agreeing to things that you don’t want to be doing and that can feel really icky
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: and yucky.
Cathy: Yeah. No I think it’s important especially with sex when people can say in the middle or in any point, hey I don’t wanna be doing this anymore or I don’t wanna be doing this right now with you, we get to do that. I don’t think is there’s no standard etiquette that I’ve ever heard about like how to swap partners or switch it out like that.
Reid: No cause then etiquette ends up being what’s socially approved which then means if you go against etiquette you’re going against what’s socially approved and that creates a lot of weird social pressure and forces people into certain kinds of behaviors if there’s any etiquette, again this is all my opinion, if there’s any etiquette I think you should be following it’s to the best of your ability speak up for what’s going on in the moment. And take care of yourself and then people as polite and kind as you can in the moment knowing that sometimes you might not be able to generate or have the bandwidth to be kind when something is going on.
Cathy: Yeah and there’s days when if you’ve had three people changed their mind on you you might have less reserves then the first person or like this, in this case, he had other partners or waiting to play with them and he was glad to go out and have a good time. So it worked out fine.
Reid: Yup. Right.
Cathy: Yeah. If you want more resources on play parties you can go to https://reidaboutsex.com/?s=play+parties. And there will be a sign-up for resources there and please leave comments and let us know what your thoughts are.
Reid: And and whether you go to play parties or not because this is great advice for monogamous relationships too or
Cathy: Or hanging out in a regular party if talking with someone talking with someone else.
Reid: And for people that are single as well and just dating, like take care of yourselves and then hang out with people who can handle you being as honest and as polite when you can generate that as you can and they will try to be honest and polite to you back.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Good luck