When I’m Touching My Partner, Should I Let My Intuitive “Yes” To Prevail?
Cathy: Should you ever follow your intuitive yes, when you’re touching someone? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: My intuitive this is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/. Yes, come to me now, right intuitive.
Cathy: So, I was at a play party and I loved going to play parties, just to be reminded of the joy of people touching each other and enjoying sex. And I also get to practice my Yes and No’s and it’s like kind of like doing climbing the Himalayas to me, it’s not always very easy but it’s often very growth inducing.
Reid: And you might lose a finger or toe, I don’t know?
Cathy: No, No it’s challenging.
Reid: Oh, it’s Challenging I thought frostbite is not for it.
Cathy: Generally, not play party I’ve been but, I don’t know what she was saying so.
I was of a play party and this gentleman and I had a nice dialogue earlier in the day. And we felt there was a kinship and our beliefs, and we were at the play party and he asked to cuddle, I said yes. And we’re cuddling and all of a sudden, like we’re cuddly for a few minutes and then it was just this hmm..
Reid: Boob.
Cathy: And I was like that’s not cuddling. And he said “no” but I was going with my intuitive yes with you.
Reid: Hmm, intuitive yes hmmm…
Cathy: Don’t do that.
Reid: Well why not justify I mean again this is a white guy asking a woman justify yourself woman. But why. if I was cuddling with him and I, you know put my finger up against his butthole because my intuitive yes was telling me to, why would that be bad, Cathy? I mean it’s all about love, it’s all about connecting human growth.
Cathy: But the thing was I didn’t I felt very shut down when he did that. I was enjoying the cuddle I was starting to relax I didn’t know him very well but my body was like okay but it was like a minute later we were like he was going well past my boundaries. I shut down I pulled away from emotionally from him, and told him “no” and again getting to practices I think it’s a continuous it’s never just get super easy. I had to like as I felt like we have a good connection and I was disappointed, but I was like this is not cuddling and I think he was very upset that I shut him down.
Reid: Mm-hmm? Is there no such thing as an intuitive yes? I’m only being I’m playing devil’s advocate right now. I have my opinion but this is more for you for everyone’s benefit I hope and please don’t mistake me being playful and Cathy and I, you know, cracking jokes I mean what we’re talking about its very serious. It’s serious and that it’s the consequences and just how it makes people feel is very deep. We’re just trying to be entertaining or educating at least so please if my Cavalier nature seems like I’m disrespecting what we’re talking about it’s not my intention. I’m trying to be playful with the fact that you know some people really believe in an intuitive yes. And I’m going to challenge that.
Cathy: So, I probably. I’m probably more on the intuitive yes side than you are. But…
Reid: Explain.
Cathy: Yes, so if I played with someone a bunch of times I know they’ll speak up. I don’t necessarily check in and we know what we like with each other. The checking in every like, “Can I do this? Can I do this?” I don’t do that as much.
Reid: Okay, that’s somebody you know.
Cathy: That’s somebody I know.
Reid: So, there’s what there a relatedness is, there’s a history, and there’s a some sounds like a history of negotiation and communication.
Cathy: I knowing that person will speak up if they don’t like something or if they do like so please do this and they’ll listen to my “No” that the at that point I tend to be less strict about asking for things just kind of flowing of what feels good to both of us in the moment.
Reid: But if you’ve already negotiated it…
Cathy: We made negotiated sex but later we’re going like once we’re fool around…
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: but I haven’t negotiated can I touch you here now?
Reid: Okay, this is what’s interesting to me. So, whoever that person is in your life, you’ve got that person, they asked you to cuddle…
Cathy: Uhuh.
Reid: Then they do the boob move.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: What’s your response?
Cathy: Um, if they if I’m relaxed enough that it feels good I probably respond nicely.
Reid: But again does that mean your definition of cuddling shifted?
Cathy: No, we’re going into something different, we’re not cuddling anymore.
Reid: But there was no check-in?
Cathy: But we’ve gone probably down that path a few times.
Reid: So, how does that make it okay?
Cathy: Um, I think..
Reid: Please speak to our audience.
Cathy: Yeah, to me if it’s doing it multiple times it doesn’t give either of us can say no at that moment but definitely to me have to be a verbal checking. Because we’ve had fun down that path before and we’ve gone down the path together before.
Reid: Okay, so what negotiation is has shifted for you?
Cathy: Yeah, there’s a relaxed ease between us and I don’t feel the need to necessarily like may I put my hand on your shoulder now may I stroke your arm now like we’ve kind of gone down the path a few times and we’re like yeah we look like going down the path.
Reid: Hmm what do you think audience about these answers? We’ve got more videos to shoot so please leave a comment. Hmm we’ve gone down this path before it’s not your first video.
Cathy: What if it is?
Reid: Well, then hit subscribe.