If your partner doesn’t want to try to create sparks, what can you do?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Tough question time. Video 2.
Cathy: It’s well and good to understand that-
Reid: If you didn’t watch Video 1, you’re like, where’s Video 1? It’s okay, we’ve got your back. What happens when your partner doesn’t sleep with you? Video 1, we gave you the uber answer that you’re not broken. Everything’s normal, and now, Cathy delivers the tough question. Cathy Vartuli of TheIntimicyDojo.com. I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Do your worst.
Cathy: All right, you’re ready?
Reid: Yes.
Cathy: Okay, so Reid was giving, in the first video, he gave some great overview of like how society is kind of broken and we don’t understand how our bodies work, and how a connection works, and there are ways to fan the flame. Even if things are kind of waning.
Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Cathy: What do you do if your partner doesn’t even want to fan the flame? Everything’s waned, your partner is like, “Nope, not interested.” I don’t care about what society thinks or whatever. I just understand that I’m not getting laid, and I feel crappy and I don’t feel connected to my partner. What do I do?
Reid: Rent me. Money. Cold hard cash. Coffee? Coffee, Bailey’s? Maybe some grapes.
Cathy: Credit card?
Reid: Credit card! We’re good. Let’s go.
No, obviously I’m being a jackass. Here’s the deal. I’m going to say, this is tricky because there’s a lot of different ways it goes. Everyone has a unique experience. You need to start having the conversation, and you need to do it in a way that’s not blaming.
Hopefully, the first video kind of sets the context and you’re like, “Oh, so this is normal. Nothing’s wrong. Then if it’s normal and nothing’s wrong, then it’s not my partner’s fault or my fault.” Hopefully some of that anxiety and frustration and blame and guilt or whatever, lifts. If you can’t sufficiently lift it, go see a therapist to talk this through a little bit, because you talking directly to your partner is not going to make them feel great probably. I’m not saying hide the conversation, but go get some, a professional ear…
Cathy: You can at least talk about it calmly.
Reid: Start practicing talking about it and letting your emotional stuff come up, and let it be out so that you can be more present with your partner because understand culture is having your way with your partner, too. Maybe they’re just not interested because for whatever their reasons are, which we cannot guess because everyone’s going to have their own reasons-
Cathy: We can ask them.
Reid: But you coming to them being more compassionate, more open, and direct and forthcoming in a way that really lands on them that you’re committed to the relationship and that you love them, and that one of the things you want to do is experience physical pleasure and physical intimacy with them as a part of the relationship and a part of sharing the connection. When you can come at them not so angry and frustrated and blaming, there’s a possibility that they will open up. Then what I would advocate for is as you have those conversations, and you both might want to have professional listeners to talk to, because remember going to your friends for support isn’t always the smartest thing because culture is having its way with your friends as well.
Geeking out on ideas for exploring intimacy and reconnection and surrounding yourself with really good information that’s presented in a fun way and not blaming and shaming, and invites the two of you to explore, is usually what I advocate and advise people to start doing. Like taking little baby steps. Which in the beginning has, usually has very little to do about sex, and more to do about connection, and practicing getting into your bodies. Things like massage, and I don’t mean a massage like, “Hey, how about a massage?” I mean, like, no, for reals, like let me just rub your feet.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Practice helping each other relax and de-stress, and get into your bodies. Because when you’re not in your body, and you’re not a geek so you don’t know how to get in to your body and stir up your own arousal. Most people are just so high on cortisol and stress that they couldn’t feel the spark even if the flame was on high. They’re just so locked up.
Cathy: Again, I want to keep these videos relatively short, so can we come back and go a little deeper into what if that person, your partner’s not willing to re-explore this?
Reid: Where’s that credit card?
Cathy: Leave comments below, let us know what your questions are about this.