Did they tell the truth? What do you do?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com
Cathy: I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com (Laughs)
Reid: Sing it!
Cathy: Oh no, they’ll just hang up.
Reid: All right. All right. I’ll let you off this time.
Cathy: Oh thanks.
Reid: What’s the question?
Cathy: So someone wrote in and said, what should you say to someone who claims they didn’t know the condom broke?
Reid: Okay. You’re awesome for writing in.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: We love these things! Keep writing in leaving comments. We try to grab the comments. Nice ones. Haters are going to hate. We try to grab the nice ones and turn them into videos.
Cathy: We have some amazing questions. Thank you guys.
Reid: Okay, so, condom breaks, and the person says they didn’t notice. Let’s assume that most people who are using condoms actually don’t want to get you pregnant.
Cathy: Right.
Reid: Or don’t want to get you an STI or anything like that. Let’s assume that everyone is actually fairly well meaning, if not, maybe a little bit clunky and shy about talking about stuff.
Cathy: People do get caught up in the moment though.
Reid: Yeah. There are times when you just…
Cathy: You’re feeling really good, and…
Reid: Sure, and you just don’t know. Even I, as slutty as I am, and as many people as I have sex with, and sometimes, I’m in the moment. Usually I’m on the bottom, somebody’s riding me, and I’m like: “Oh my God! This feels am- I should check the condom!”
Cathy: (Laughs)
Reid: I check because sometimes, it can’t feel that amazing! Or there’s a huge shift in amazingness. So again, condoms do break when you use them properly and some sex-geek hacks like, put a drop of lube in the condom, or lube up your cock a little bit before you put the condom on.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Then use lube on the condom on the outside for the person. Always use lube for anal sex; there’s a whole video on that.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: These ideas of using lube reduce the friction on condoms so that it will help prevent breakage. Breakage usually isn’t about size. Email me if you disagree, and we’ll have a lengthy conversation about this.
Cathy: (Laughs) No pun intended.
Reid: No pun intended.
Cathy: (Laughs) what should you say, if someone says: “Hey I didn’t notice it broke. Oops.”
Reid: Yeah. So, you are now in, without it being a crisis with a capital ‘C’, you’re in damage-control mode.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Okay, so it’s kind of like you’re going down a checklist. Did they ejaculate?
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: Okay, so: “Oh, we didn’t notice that the condom broke until after we did the sex”, and there’s semen inside you. So then it’s like, okay, condom broke, semen was released. What are we doing now? Are you on birth control?
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: So, do you need emergency contraceptive kind of stuff? What are the protocols? Working backwards from most important to least. Everyone’s order is going to be different. We have pregnancy and HIV situations, and then other STIs STDs.
Cathy: Yeah, and I think in this case, she’s wanting to know, should she trust him? Did he notice that it really broke and didn’t want to stop? The trust factor in the…
Reid: Well, in that instance, it’s more about your judgment of the person, and a lot about how they behave moving forward.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: We all … I tend to trust people in the moment until you give me reason not to trust you.
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: And for the most part, I’m going to believe that you’re not lying.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Maybe it’s a casual hook up and we really don’t know each other, so I don’t know, right?
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: The idea of take care of your physical and emotional safety.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Because you had something happen, and now let’s deal with the situation of ‘should I believe you or not?’ Now as somebody who has a penis who uses condoms, there are times when I don’t realize that the condom’s slipping off.
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: And it’s only because I’m a geek and a dork about checking, because there are times when I check and it’s like… The condoms like way up towards the head of the cock, and I’m like: “Holy shit!” I didn’t feel the difference.
Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Reid: So, it’s possible that it breaks and you don’t feel the difference. My way of encouraging penis owners to be better about this is, when you’re getting close to climax, check to make sure your condoms on.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: That just helps. Now the other part being, it can be on and still have broken…
Cathy: At the top.
Reid: And not go all the way down to where you notice.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So it is a little bit, like before you come, do a quick check. Either pull the cock out, and be like: “Yeah, you want it? You really want it?”
Cathy: (Laughs)
Reid: Slide it up and down and be like: “Yeah, you’re not going to get it!” She’s like, or he’s like: “Oh my God! That’s so hot!” Because you’re like, ‘I’m just checking the fucking condom, but I’m not going to tell you because I’m so smooth!’
Cathy: (Laughs)
Reid: Then everything’s usually fine.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So teaching people who use condoms those kinds of protocols. Or, for those of you with holes, and we all have holes.
Cathy: Oh yeah.
Reid: You take the cock out before they’re getting ready to cock, and you’re like, “Oh really? You really want to come? Huh? Really? Tell me you want it. Tell me you want it.” The whole time, you’re like ‘condom check time!’
Cathy: (Laughs) stack functions
Reid: Boop! Yeah. So those are hacks for dealing with things, but should you believe somebody if they have a history of lying to you? Maybe you want to be like, “mmm”.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: If they’ve been an upright cool person, show them these videos.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: We’ve got a couple of videos about condom sense, and have a conversation about how you guys can move forward with this in a way that strengthens who you are as sexual beings. And maybe it’s easier to assume that they’re not lying.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Most people who have penises aren’t actually douchebags. They’re not actually gaming the system.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: There are people out there like that.
Cathy: They’re usually louder so people will notice them some more.
Reid: Well, yes and no. Let’s assume that they’re trustworthy and move forward. Then if it keeps happening, or if there’s other instances of them lying to you, now this is a conversation about you being in a relationship or sleeping with somebody who’s a liar.
Cathy: Yeah. Let us know what you would say to someone if the condom broke and they didn’t notice. We’d love to hear what your thoughts are, and your experiences if you’re willing to share.
Reid: And if you’re somebody for whom condoms are used on you, what would you like somebody to tell you or say if they have a condom break?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Thanks.
Cathy: Thanks.