What Is The Venn Diagram of Compatability and Why Is It Important?
The Venn Diagram of Compatability (A.K.A. The Venn Diagram of “Is This Even a Good Idea?”) consists of four circles that Misha Bonaventura and I created. We suggest folks seeking to date or hook up take a peek at the four circles BEFORE they start falling too deep or too quickly in love: Sexual Chemistry, Narrative (Fantasy/Desire), Self-Expression, and Availability.
Many folks never get beyond the top two circles because GREAT sexual chemistry often sets off a cascade of “meaning-making” and “future-tripping” (the stories we start telling ourselves) about where the relationship will go – the narrative you’re pouring all that chemistry into… Your fantasy relationship or the one you’re intentionally desiring to manifest. Are they, “the One?” Sure feels like it!
The two top circles combined can make for a powerful, intoxicating high, and then you’re renting a U-Haul the next weekend, filled with New Relationship Energy and your furniture, and moving cross country to be with the love of your life! 😍 (But you forgot to remember that you actually haven’t known them that long! 😬 Sound familiar?)
Relationships that are just starting out have little to no history and therefore tend to be inherently insecure. This can activate one’s attachment styles, making things even MORE tricky to navigate! Do you tend to be Anxiously Attached? Avoidant? Disorganized (a little of both)? Or Securely Attached?
Knowing your attachment style, plus investigating the two bottom circles, can help ground the “high” enough to help you suss out “Is this even a good idea?” to pursue the connection. If it is, then those involved can start consciously negotiating and consensually building something more secure than just chasing the N.R.E. “high,” and hoping things won’t ever change.
Without the self-awareness and ability to talk about what’s happening, the “high” of the chemistry and power of the meaning-making often begin the “Relationship Escalation Creep”… You start living into the relationship you want without having talked about it, which at some point becomes the inevitable, “What are we?” conversation with everyone on different pages.
But it doesn’t have to be this way! Even small insights and simple conversations can make a HUGE difference in making even the most casual of relationships more secure, healthier, and lots more fun!
This Venn diagram was from Class 1 of Misha’s and my new workshop, “From Premature Attachment To Slut Secure.” Class 2 is all about Relationship Escalation Creep and how to make “creep” smarter and healthier when the N.R.E. is just TOO GOOD!
If you’d like to develop sexual friendships (and deeper relationships!) with grace, love, respect, and lots of pleasure… Join us and over 160 amazing like-minded humans…
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Newbie about to turn 30. Learning a deeper understanding about myself and my lifestyle… I am looking forward to learning!
So excited to have you nerding out with us, Racquel!