Is It Possible To Be Respectful When You’re Super Angry?
Cathy: Are we going live? Alright, so someone wrote in and said,
Reid: Who are you? Oh wait, no we’re doing the question first. Go go from the beach.
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said “what is respect and how do I be respectful even when I’m super angry like I’m in a rage?” This is Cathy Vartuli, I’m Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/ and I’m here Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/.
Reid: Hello I’m Reid. And we’re at the beach. Look at the beach. Look at the beach. So, so obviously we are backlit but hey it’s the beach.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Alright, so
Cathy: They probably would rather see the beach than us.
Reid: So if you’re if you’re mad at us for the back lightness, try to be respectful.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Okay. What’s the advice?
Cathy: So you know, what is respect? I think that’s treating people like humans and not seeing things that she would rather not say like that you don’t mean just because you’re angry and there’s different people have different cool down styles. Reid has an article and cool down styles it’s really useful so if you’re super angry you might say, “Hey I need to go take a walk I need to go just get out of it.” You know we don’t always have to talk to someone through the anger because that can be a really hard. It can be we can say things that we will regret later.
Reid: Yeah and also the understanding of what you want to say might be what you’re feeling but not actually what you mean like you mean the thing that you’re saying you son of a bitch.
Cathy: Yeah. You might feel that that person is the stupidest thing since you know, toast.
Reid: But do you really like when if you were calm and happy and joyous, would you actually think that that person is actually stupider than toast?
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Are they actually the son of a bitch? Like these are
Cathy: Maybe they are.
Reid: Well I mean, okay, you know, Game of Thrones and all that.
Cathy: Yes. So I think that if you can, one, treating people with respect means not saying mean things not saying hurtful things owning your own feelings and having good boundaries like when that happens I feel versus you are an idiot for saying that and you know that’s respect is not not blaming other people for own feelings or letting out dumping on them all the feelings we might have other thoughts we have in the moment but, and that may mean that we have to go take a walk, are we? I need to talk to you tomorrow about this
Reid: Or you need to talk to somebody else.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Like because sometimes people want to be heard in their emotional state which means you, you know, you need to listen to me right now. Whereas, if you need to really feel heard and you’re, you’re you can catch that you’re in an emotional state do you have a friend you could offload on? A therapist or you know maybe a bartender or go get your hairstyle and have your hairstylist be the one you talk to. So that then when you have calmed down, when you’ve cooled down, you can actually have the conversation you actually need to have rather than a conversation about your feelings, feelings are genuine but feelings of being triggered and upset, or maybe that triggers not the right word, but you know activated I don’t know that that’s the conversation you need to be having. But, my mileage, you know, your mileage may vary.
Cathy: It can really help if you go to your friend and you’re especially in our community a lot of people want to fix things and help say, “Hey listen, I need to vent for a few minutes and I’ll let you know what I’m ready to troubleshoot. Just I just want you to be there and listen and tell me that I’m right and then that that person is a heart of a person for ten minutes it doesn’t actually mean that I just need to get it off my chest and have someone support me and then okay, I thank you, I got that out, I may or may not watching troubleshoot with me.” And it’s also read Reid’s article and cool down styles because different people in relationships have different needs so if we’ve had a fight and one of us stalks off the other one may feel abandoned when you’re different people cool down in different ways so some people want to be together and touch some people want to just to be off by themselves. So knowing what they are for each other can help but also saying, “Hey I know you ever been an issues. I’m really mad at you right this minute. I am not leaving you forever. I’m going to drive around the block until I’m cool down I will be back. And then you go, kind of thing can really help.
Reid: You can also like if there’s nobody to vent to, write an angry letter.
Cathy: To bail it.
Reid: Right at longhand.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Because it will be more of a pain in the ass for you to send it if you type it out on an email you will be tempted to hit send. So I think it’s a good idea to write it longhand and the, and then that way you can burn it rather than I have to find an envelope find, a stamp what’s the cost of stamps these days? Do I even have any forever stamps if you live in America? And by then you probably cool down.
Cathy: Yeah. So yeah respect just means treating people nicely and as it doesn’t mean you always have to agree with them it doesn’t always mean you have to do what they want but treating them like human beings and not putting them down or blaming them for yourself and it’s really hard to do when we’re angry sometimes. But taking the deep breath and realizing that even though the anger feels overwhelming right now and it feels like that person is stupider than toast, they might not seem that way in ten minutes or an hour or a couple days.
Reid: Alright. Leave some comments. Go make some toast. Bye!