How Do I Avoid Building Resentment Towards People Who Disappoint Me?
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said how do I avoid building resentments towards a person who’s disappointing me? Disappointment sometimes feel like they come all at once and I’m left feeling resentful for past disappointments and the current disappointment and how do I stop having expectations of others? This is a great question Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/.
Cathy: And how would you handle this Reid?
Reid: Well it’s probably I mean my go-to is the five love languages.
Cathy: Five languages of apology?
Reid: And sequel
Cathy: Oh sorry.
Reid: Five languages sequel the five languages of apology which I think might have been renamed to when sorry isn’t enough.
Cathy: And Jennifer, I always forget her last name.
Reid: Something, something..
Cathy: [Inaudible 00:00:43]
Reid: Yeah and I would I would start there because if you’re still disappointed in things then probably what has happened is that you can’t forgive the person and if restitution is your main language for forgiveness it will be really hard for that person if the opportunity cannot be recreated for them to restore the situation and complete it for you to forgive them so whenever you think of that you will always be disappointed that it didn’t happen.
Cathy: Sore spot that hasn’t healed.
Reid: Yeah, yeah. And then yeah you know maybe take some workshops and some therapy because sometimes that will help if you know that person can’t fix you know fix any of that stuff and then if you have a lot of resentment coming up that usually to me means you’re saying yes to things you shouldn’t which could mean you’re saying yes to inviting this person to things without recalibrating that they can’t fulfil on stuff so and the way I frame it that way so that you can take responsibility for your setting up situations or saying yes to situations that will continue to disappoint you and then just disappointment layered on top of itself feels like it could be resentment.
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: Or what about do you think?
Cathy: Well I think the nature of being human and alive is if there’s sometimes we have resentments sometimes people let us down like you know that your life seems to be like that but some of us have more sore spots from early childhood or recent experiences and I think it’s really important to distinguish between when you’d be disappointed at that particular person versus are these disappointments from my mom or dad not in that case that’s a really good time to get some therapy work through those if you can so that yeah we’re going to face disappointments there’s so many be times when it’s painful but they’re not landing and making all the other ouchy places hurt like sometimes.
Reid: Hmm, yeah.
Cathy: It feels like, oh my god they didn’t show up for the movies it feels like the whole world’s falling apart but it’s really like okay and they didn’t show the movies I can actually go myself or call another friend.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: It’s not huge but it feels and I’m not taking away from anyone’s experience like it can feel a huge in the moment so if you can acknowledge it may not always you know try to distinguish what is about this person and what is about other people.
Reid: Your life.
Cathy: Yeah, life in general.
Reid: When people make me make me no one makes me do anything but when I’m late for events because of other circumstances other people it kicks up all of my family stuff where my mom was chronically late for things and we would have to wait and always arrive late so that’s spot-on because it’s like I’m getting so ahhh, and it’s not because we’re going to miss the trailers for the movie it’s all my family stuff that’s there.
Cathy: Yeah, yeah. Missing the trailers oh that’s disappointing but it’s not like.
Reid: No. No. Do not miss the trailers! You cannot miss the trailers those are the best parts of the movies.
Cathy: Often, yes.
Reid: Sometimes yes.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: That’s important stuff you deserve to be resentful then if they make miss the trailers, I think we can agree on that?
Cathy: Sure that’s.. we can agree on that. But I think this is a good example of maybe you’re not speaking up and this is something I’ve really struggled with and I still even though I talk about speaking up there’s times I’m like like a week later like oh! I didn’t say anything so if something’s really important to you and you’re not communicating that that may not be the other persons, they may not think it’s a big deal so.
Reid: They might not even know.
Cathy: Yeah, so like if movie trailers are a big thing for you say hey I would love to go to the see this movie with you and add so much to my experience to be there with you and I need to see the trailers it’s super-important to me I feel off the whole movie if I don’t get that.
Reid: I think it’s a good example because it’s it’s silly.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: But then some people are like that’s absolutely right trailers are sacred.
Cathy: Yeah what I like you shared that if you’re going to movies with somebody you don’t like to get all the tickets you’ll tell them if you’re not there when the trailers are about to start I’m going in.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: You can try to find me.
Reid: And I’m not going to hide your ticket underneath you know
Cathy: The planter.
Reid: The plant because there aren’t plants usually in front of things I’m just like you buy your own ticket I’m going inside.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: And then and then it’s happier you get to come into the movie and whatever time you want to
Cathy: And the dark and like
Reid: And I’ll text you I’ll text you where I’m sitting and we’ll be good.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: We’ll be good.
Cathy: So, there may be ways to if you talk with people and explain what’s important to you and share that you know like hey I realized I felt really disappointed the other day when you didn’t show off on time and I was late for that thing and I would really like it if we can in the future like you know one I would love it if you apologize but two, let’s if we’re going to do this again let’s make sure you front loads so that it’s not so hard.
Reid: Yeah and you can apologize too when it’s appropriate for not knowing to communicate a want or need and that you had because it’s also weird and difficult for some people to arrive like let’s say they were busting their butt to get to the movies and they had to help an old lady across the street or something right
Cathy: Yeah
Reid: And then from across the street it was can you help me up to my apartment and help me get the groceries upstairs whatever, right?
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: They might have been busting their hump just trying to be a good person and get to you on time and maybe their battery was died so they couldn’t text you because I know you’re thinking why didn’t they text? So when they arrived stressed out on their end they arrived into all this resentment.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So again like we’re humans this is going to happen but your your turnaround time to be aware of what these things are know yourself and your emotional IQ so that you know how to navigate you know the way that I know waiting for movie trailers is not good for if you want to arrive into a loving kind viewers with Reid Mihalko in it. So like the more you know these things about yourself and can communicate your just being better as a person because you know these things and you’re also role modelling but that then your friends might be like oh you know what I have this thing too about such and such and they communicate to you so that you don’t roll in on all this resentment and upset.
Cathy: Because we have different expectations and you ask, how do you stop having expectations? Expectations are unspoken agreements and we all were brought up with those but we have different one’s different family some different expectations different patterns. So if I expect you to always wait at the end of the table and ask about acknowledge or to leave the table before the end of the meal. That was a big thing in my family.
Reid: Totally, I was telling them.
Cathy: Well, it’s shocking to me like when someone just stands us and leaves and I’m like is the meal over? What’s happening? But that’s an expectation I had that’s something that I was brought up with and that was very firm you did not leave the table without like kids had to ask permission. So you know.
Reid: I’m the kid and I’m going to ask permission.
Cathy: No adult has acknowledged adults acknowledge they were leaving the table just to stand up and leave. But noticing where you have expectations versus agreements like hey it’s a really big deal for me can you just say something as you…you before you get up so that I feel complete with the meal. And people can say yes or no but then you have you can negotiate different agreements versus having things in your head like how dare they do this so.
Reid: Hmm, so.
Cathy: Help yourselves.
Reid: Thank your families for all this stuff.
Cathy: Yes.
Reid: Because it’s probably coming from them and sometimes people screw up or you miscommunicate.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: So what do you think? Leave some comments.
Cathy: Yeah leave your comments and you’re never going to avoid disappointment it’s about handling it you know so that it goes smoothly.