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Feeling Addicted To Someone Who Isn’t Your Species? What Do You Do?
Sorry about the low level background noise! Our mic decided to die halfway through the “shoot”!
Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, we talked how not to fall in love but how we extricate yourself when you realize you’re not with your species really bad fit but those cocaine addiction chemicals is still happily trapping through the system. This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/
Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/
Cathy: It’s a great question!
Reid: Wooh! You know you have a drug problem but you can’t seem to quit.
Cathy: What is very addictive? It’s a lovely feeling when you find someone do that, when you connecting to you broken through the social fears when you’re right there. And you’re like bad fit but I want that high feeling though convenient.
Reid: Well there’s also things for further complex for a lot of people. We don’t know their situation but maybe they’re already moved in. I lived in New York City for 20 years and it’s like people fall in love and move immediately just to save or cut down their living expenses because the city is so expensive. There could be financial situation or kids involved. I had some amazing friend of mine, single moms and single dads who didn’t want to break up because the relationship the child was having with other adults was what the kid needed. Right, so I’m just saying. Things are often sometimes way more complex than just the chemical high. And one of the, we take that into account because sometimes my advice don’t speak for yours, it’s very simplified. But we need to acknowledge and try to be kind and compassionate as much as we can for how the chemistry can also be having well of a system well situation is complex. That being said my biggest piece for the healthiness of the relationship even when you’re stoned is can we talk about this? Do you have your exercise your muscles in that relationship to be able to talk about what you are afraid to talk about and can you have those conversations in a pretty emotionally high IQ, treat people kindly even when you’re having the feels. If you can have those kind of conversations and navigate them that’s the most important thing coz eventually the high will wear off and you at least both be able to have conversations sober about the bad fit and then what to do next.
Cathy: And I’m curious too when you say it’s really a bad fit are you looking at it.. what’s your concept about the relationship looks like because they may be wonderful fit for friends with benefits or you can redefine what you’re looking for you might actually be able to keep you out just night in the good parts still fit and it may go to somebody’s expectation of the things that don’t fit. If you decide that this is just somebody who should not have in your life handling it off and not re-experiencing that high with them is really important as well as trying to get some dopamine, some chemicals to your system and other ways when you go to massages, invite friends that can drag you in the host to have a good times but that will help offset a little bit of the chemical responses is very strong. Re-experiencing with them just increases the bonding where you reminding your body you can get some of the oxytocin from other ways can really help alleviate it doesn’t go away unfortunately but it can alleviate some of them drop.
Reid: A transition or a break up is going to impact you and the biggest thing is to just understand that a lot of people rather than handle the hangover have a rebound relationship so be mindful that get your monkey needs in your dopamine and serotonin fixes from your friends and from social activity. Start a new hobby that a social hobby that will probably not computer coding but like dance partner dance or something like that and hang out with your friends and that will ease often the feels and the withdrawals and be up on your grieving protocols. Like how can you grief and do better self-care for yourself coz my parents didn’t teach me how to grieve and American culture is horrible about it. So making up on those things, is it Brené Brown?
Cathy: Yeah, she’s great.
Reid: Maybe distract yourself by reading and learning and be tough on those the information and tools that will help you get through things that’s really useful for me.
Cathy: And recommend in bad relationship program not seeing that person, you’re not going to see each other for 3 to 6 months.
Reid: And I will tell you right now it’s 3 to 6 months I really tell people at least a year, don’t see each other for year that is the best advice I can give you.
Cathy: Which is harder if you’re in the same social community.
Reid: And most people can’t agree to a year so I tend to say 3 to 6 months but I’m telling you it’s a year just trust my advice. And under no circumstances supposed to be breaking up try to have sex with that person. I’m trying to quit this drug but I will just a little, no don’t be like that, don’t do that. Culture key is often the hardest it’s like do go back to the dentist 4x to pull you wisdom teeth without half each way pull the whole thing. Usually, if it’s truly you are destined to not be living in lovers and partners but fuck buddies forever you can transition that but it’s a little bit tricky but it can be done and which in that case probably just can’t remember some advice or even a coaching session or something that’s a little bit more than we could talk about.
Cathy: And one thing I really want to encourage you loved that you have the consciousness that is a bad fit now a lot of people are lost in the chemical they don’t notice those things. Sadly a lot of people wait enough blood and resembles between the two of them and then push them a part that’s a big waste of time and energy for both people and you’re not interacting with other people during that time. So if it’s not a good fit it’s better to pull the bandaid out.
Reid: You don’t have to crash and burn and walk away and do something and sort of respect and you can do it earlier and consciously and still going to suck sometimes. And that’s being grown up. Comments, leave some comments.
Cathy: Do we entail your question or did this help?
Reid: Subscribe show this video you your friends.