When and How To Use The Safer Sex Elevator Speech?

by Reid on April 27, 2021

When and How To Use The Safer Sex Elevator Speech?Two girls talking in a bed

Cathy: I’m curious about when to initiate the safer sex elevator speech. It sounds like it comes before kissing especially for including oral herpes in this discussion. But I don’t usually talk about sex until I know someone’s interested which I frequently find out by kissing them. I don’t like the idea and want to incorporate it but not break the flow, where does it fit in?

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com/

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com/

Reid: Give me your answer. I have my answer but I don’t want to show you off. What’s what what’s your advice?

Cathy: Um, I typically will have it on a second or third date depending on how it’s flowing. I might have had like a goodnight kiss but I usually have a kind of make out session with them. So, that’s I usually that’s when I have it. And I kind of listening to the fuzz my body is not just a day when I have sex with me it’s do I want to have sex with them? Is my body going “Hey, I’m so glad you’re here.” So, I listen to that and you know sometimes people run away and that’s okay and sometimes it does break the flow and it’s still okay because I’ve had the conversation with people I wasn’t I wasn’t  sure I want to have sex with me a great discussion at very least.

Reid: Here’s….that’s a good advice. Here’s my advice and this is my advice probably from now moving forward because I think it just occurred to me “Oh, just teach it this way Reid” first, imagine how would you feel if you’ve been making out with somebody and then they told you the next date when you want when you wanted to sleep together that they had oral herpes?

Cathy: I wouldn’t be happy about it.

Reid: Why wouldn’t you be happy about it?

Cathy: because

Reid: she as a standing for our listener

Cathy: Sure. Sure. I would I feel like that should be disclosed and I get to take a choice I feel like my choice was taken away.

Reid: Got it. So now, shake up the excess sketch new drawing. You’re…you have oral herpes, you want to make out with somebody but you’re afraid you’re hesitating whether or not you should tell them or not.Why are you hesitating?

Cathy: I will I think there’s a lot of the shame around it in general society and I don’t know how that person in general is going to take it they might freak out and go “Oh my god, I never want to see you again” or so there’s no fear being rejected.

Reid: So the situation, if I’m assessing it correctly, is that people tend to not tell people at first hoping that when they do tell them, that they’ll be okay with it.

Cathy: Yeah the connection we did it up whereas I would actually be I feel disrespected if someone doesn’t tell me beforehand.

Reid: So, in the weird world of Reid Mihalko. Reid Mihalko being somebody who makes out with a lot of people. And it’s been very fortunate to have sex with many many folk. And if you’re watching and you’ve had sex with me, thank you so much thank you really. I saw also in Jackass about it. And the reason I’m not telling you to Bragg this is like I am impressing about you. How I do it? Is I tell everybody ahead of time before I make out with them. Because my offending them later, is worse than me not getting to make out with them. Now the argument is will read you make out with all these people so you’re not starving for making out.

Cathy: Yes, that’s so precious to you.

Reid: However if you are starving for making out, why would you be willing to offend them later or take their choice away? That just feels weird. Now granted what I’m saying is no tell them that you know before you kiss be like “hey just you know like I have herpes and I just want to be respectful like are you okay with us making out?” I’m not saying that that’s easy to do. I’m saying that that’s powerful and if they can’t handle it they’re really going to be pissed when you tell them later. So, when you do the math yeah I would say take the workshops watch the videos read the books so that you feel less shame and just kind of get “Hey you might not want to kiss me.” However, when I really talked to people in the sex geek community and also in them in the non sex geek community, the response more often than not around kissing tends to be that most people are okay with it. Most, being more than fifty one percent.

Cathy: Yeah, well I and also I’m kind of a geek and I don’t always notice what people are interested in me or not? And so for me if someone says us safer sex elevator speech is like “Oh, they’re kind of interested in at least exploring that.” And for, I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s been on a date didn’t realize they were date still like a year later like “Oh, will that play totally different?” So, just initiating that makes it clear that “Hey, I’m at least interested in you somewhat let’s have this conversation”…

Reid: Yeah. Now, you don’t even not to have the full conversation

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Right? ‘Coz then ‘coz I do I am I have talked to a lot of people that they’re that some people say that “well if I have the safer sex conversation, now the other person is assuming that I’m a yes to sex.”

Cathy: Oh, I will say right at front if I’m willing to have this conversation with you, I don’t know if I want….if where we’re going.”

Reid: And the person’s….and this is a feedback from other people, people still assume they feel like, Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah you’re just saying that” right? And again, some people are like, “No, I just want to make out. I don’t want to open up this other door yet.”

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: So then just talk about, you don’t have the whole safer sex conversation

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Just be like, “Hey, I have oral herpes. Yada, yada, yada.” And then you’re just keeping it above the waist so to speak and then if the make out goes really well and  then people want to do other things, then it’s like, “Hey, we need to have a safer sex conversation

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: because there’s other stuff I want to know. So again, you don’t have to have the full elevator speech, you can just let people know “Hey, I you know I’m a decent human being who wants to give you information about what you’re getting yourself into.”

Cathy: And sometimes it’s okay to break the flow and see how they handle it so that you’ll know to talk about stuff.”

Reid: It’s a great assessment technique but the big piece is, if they’re gonna be pissed knowing it now, how do you think they’re gonna react later when you have to tell them?

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: They’re gonna have a fuckin meltdown. So save yourself the headache

Cathy: the paperwork

Reid: the paperwork, the emotional paperwork. I hope that’s useful.

Cathy: Oh, that’s great. Thank you.

Reid: You’re welcome. Leave comment.

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