Not to sure what to do in bed if your partner’s penis isn’t hard? Do you feel ashamed or embarrassed?

In this video (transcript below), TheIntimacyDojo.com’s Cathy Vartuli and I discuss playing with flaccid penises (a.k.a when they aren’t hard).

Cathy: Hey everyone. Have you ever been in bed with someone and you weren’t quite sure how to proceed. Maybe they weren’t getting hard when you were playing with them.

Reid: That never happens to me.

Cathy: I had this weird belief, I guess because I’d seen a little bit of porn and just maybe cultural … (Laughs) I actually haven’t watched that much. I had this belief that you weren’t supposed to go down on a man until he was hard. I think there’s a cultural, like I’ve heard that from other people too. We were talking and you said no, you can just go ahead and put him in your mouth anyway. That was just like eye-opening for me and I think it’s really important to share that.

Reid: Yes. (Laughs) I’m sorry I’m being a jackass. I’m so uncomfortable from being in this conversation. No. It’s, yeah, you can play with penises. They feel not as much when things are erect, but a flaccid penis … Like if anybody is playing with my penis, I am excited. That is a win, I am way ahead of schedule than I thought when I first started my morning. We have a lot of shame in that the way that we’re taught sex is that it’s all about the erection and if I’m not hard something’s broken, or something’s wrong.

Cathy: Right. Women, often I’ve talked to friends that if someone’s not hard they feel rejected or hurt they’re not doing a good job and they’re not sexy. Then the man may feel less desirable because he’s not getting touched so there’s like a cycle going on.

Reid: Yeah. It creates a weird thing. Basically, play with penises and vulvas however they are as a means of clocking time on people’s genitalia when they’re a yes for you playing with them. Because that sensation is creating a lot of usually feel good stuff. They may be in their head that they’re not wet enough if it’s a vulva, I’m not hard enough because it’s penis or whatever. The idea that you’re basically saying “Hey, whatever is going on right now is totally acceptable and you deserve for me to be able to play with you in whatever state you are.” Where this is really interesting for me as a sex geek is if I can’t always get it up, it’s still really hot for you to put me in your mouth, regardless. That’s a win-win.

Cathy: If the guy is bigger, you can put all of him in your mouth.

Reid: You can put all of me in your mouth, at once. Then I think that it’s hot and erotic to feel myself getting hard in somebody’s mouth. Rather than sticking to this like “I have to play with you and I can only give you a blowjob or fellate you when you’re erect.”

Cathy: There’s actually some Tantra approaches that talk about doing penile massage when the man isn’t erect. Actually, it’s really fun for my hands while I do that, it feels good.

Reid: Yeah. It feels good to me when people play with my penis when it’s flaccid. It’s just that the cultural baggage will slip in, no pun intended, around like “Oh my God! I’m supposed to be in some other state.”  Play with your partners and with your friends, if you’re into that, however they are. You’re also role modeling that they’re worthy regardless of what state they’re in.

Cathy: Our society kind of teaches … There’s so much emphasis on Viagra and erectile dysfunction now that people kind of feel like they’re not erect, there’s something wrong. It’s just a natural …

Reid: Erect is mostly useful for when you need to do like penetrative sexual things. George Burns has a great joke about like sex over ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. But rope is still useful.

Cathy: It still feels good in this case.

Reid: Absolutely. There’s still lots of things you can do and psychologically speaking when you’re playing with me and giving me all these signals, that everything’s okay even when I’m not erect. I can sometimes use that to get into my body and out of my head worrying.

Cathy: It can build some deep intimacy.

Reid: It builds deep intimacy, but me getting out of my head and into my body and enjoying what you’re doing to my penis regardless of where it’s at erection wise is my best shot at getting my erection.

Cathy: Yeah.

Reid: Just play with it and learn to have fun. Expand your repertoire, to just be able to create pleasure and have fun with people or receive pleasure and fun regardless of what state your erectile tissue’s at.

Cathy: You always talk about saying what’s not being said. If you’re not erect and you’re worried about it, tell your partner. Just say “Hey, I’m kind of getting in my head because I feel like I should be hard right now.” Or if you’re playing with someone who’s not hard, you can check in and say “Hey, are you enjoying this?” Communication in the bedroom is really hot.

Reid: If anybody shames you about not being able to get it up and stuff, either they’re having a really bad day and just taking it out on you. Or they’re a dick.

Cathy: They might be reacting to their own stories in their head. Like they’re not good enough, not sex … They’re feeling insulted because of what they believe about it.

Reid: Yeah. Stop having the sex then, take them aside if that’s appropriate later, maybe over tea or coffee and be like “We need to talk about something, because what you did back there was actually not cool and creates a whole bunch of other weird things.” People that can’t handle that kind of conversation or continue to shame you for performance issues, honestly I don’t think you should be dating them or in relationships with them. That’s just my opinion.

Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy:  Leave some comments below, let us know what you think or what you’d like to hear us talk about in the future.

Reid: Yeah. Come up with some ideas for six to nine things you can do with a flaccid penis.

Cathy: Bye-bye (laughs).

Tagged as: Ashamed, Cathy Vartuli, E.D., Erectile Dysfunction, Errection