What Is Couple Privilege And How It Can Interfere With Relationships?
Cathy: What is couple privilege and how it can interfere with relationships? This is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com what is it, Cathy? What do you think of this?
Cathy: Well how I’m seeing it I’m right now I’m single and I’m dating I have dated couples.
Reid: So is this a Poly thing?
Cathy: I’ve seen it also in friendships too when I’m gone out with friends if as a single person hanging out with a couple the couple have more “votes” or poll and then they often consult with each other and decide what we’re doing without checking it with me or giving me equal say. And that can feel sometimes I don’t want to hang out with people that do that cause I was like wow okay she wants to go to Thai and he’s going to go with Thai coz that’s what she wanted and they’re not even going to see oh I have Thai for lunch today there’s like no consulting, so how do you define it?
Reid: I don’t know I hear about it and I’m sure I’m guilty of it I would well there’s probably there is some sort of privilege I would say it’s probably a priority thing and if and again like these are things like culture makes it okay if you have kids to put your kids above everything else. And most friends don’t seem to be like oh crappy have to leave now when the middle of our board game night and you have to leave because there is some emergency at home or your kids needs you.
Cathy: Can I use a real example with what I have experience with you and Ali? It’s nothing super intensive or anything but we were hanging out you and I were going to hang out for the day and you said can Ali come? And I like yes it’s fine and when it’s time for lunch the two of you sat in front of the car and decided that she wanted to go to a diner and you never nobody ask me if I wanted to go there I didn’t even know what was happening but we just went to the diner because you two have discussed it and Ali decide had a strong preference for that and I was left out od that conversation. The diner was great should picked the best restaurant but I would like to have very least like hey it is okay with you and that didn’t happened. And it felt like because you two were in a couple sitting in the front together in the car and it just felt like I was less “considered” then.
Reid: Would you felt more considered if you’re in the front of the car?
Cathy: I probably would have been more included in the conversation but just physically being there.
Reid: No I could see that.
Cathy: But the fact that you didn’t no one turned around and say hey is this okay with you felt like I never experienced that with other people too it was like okay you guys are great between each other but the three of us are spending this time together turn around and ask and say hey is this okay and let me have a voice in it.
Reid: Cool and I’m sorry that happened.
Cathy: Oh again it wasn’t a big deal Ali picked a great placed but it was just like oh okay kind of felt like a kid in the back in the car because I wasn’t like you don’t necessarily tell your kids hey where going, where would you like to go? You might say were going here and that’s kind of how I felt. So that’s just an example of…
Reid: Couple privilege. There you go.
Cathy: And to solve it, what I recommend is speaking up that wasn’t a big deal so I didn’t share it but I have share it other times when I thought things are important.
Reid: And how did it go when you share it?
Cathy: Sometimes you said like when we’re planning the trip for Sex Geek Summer Camp for example and I have certain needs around decompressing after wards some of them I shared what I needed and some of it were like that’s fine and some of it were like no I don’t think that’s okay but I at least I felt considered I share that it was important to me that if Allison change her mind about something that it wasn’t didn’t necessarily happened without consulting with me and you were good about it, you did that so I don’t know that she changed her mind but…
Reid: So how was that an example on what we’re talking about?
Cathy: I’m saying that if you can, if you’re in the situation when you don’t have that happening ideally I wouldn’t even have that conversation because I would considered equal to the decision making process but I shared what was important to me to make sure that wasn’t a problem if we don’t speak up other people may not be even aware that it’s happening.
Reid: Leave some comments like when is something privilege if you don’t speak up about it because obviously there’s a lot of cultural deep stuff going on.
Cathy: And people have habits. It’s like you and Allison else have certain habits. You and I have certain habits and we might have use when we’re doing business stuff together we might have that privilege over other people so and we might not even be aware. If you don’t speak up it hard to people to know.
Reid: And also the piece that you’re sharing about like sitting at the back of the car and how that could make people felt like it’s a kid thing like there could be other situations where things feel either inconsiderate or they feel shifted the power dynamic feel shifted yeah this is good. What do you think? Leave some comments.
Cathy: We love to know what you think.