Walk With Reid Facebook Live: How Not To Fall In Love?
Reid: Hello everybody this is Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ and we’re on our little Facebook live morning walk or afternoon walk or on what time zone you are in are you. We have people who are joining us from other parts of the world so maybe it’s a.. it’s an evening walk for you but today’s topic as we walk around the beautiful sunny streets of San Jose California.
On today’s conversation is going to be a quick one on how not to fall in love? How to delay your you’re imprinting triggers or trip wires a little land mines that have folks go from you know casual dating or casual relationship in these modern times to a full-blown, we’re having a relationship with a capital R. So let me just make sure can people hear me okay. Good morning, good morning Sable. Let’s see let somebody just leave a comment let me know if you can hear me okay? I’m on I’ve got my selfie stick so that’ll help keep it a little bit less jigglely it’ll keep my arm from falling off today. Okay great! Thank You, Michelle.
Okay so for our little walk here today, we’re going to be talking about imprinting triggers. There’s some interesting research that’s come out over the last couple of years. It’s been you know corroborated in other countries so I think the information is sound these studies where they’re studying the brain activity in folks who are in love in finding out that the centres of the brain using functional MRI machines and stuff like that like seeing what’s active in the brain when people are in love. Those areas those parts of the brain that are that light up are the exact same parts of the brain that light up when you are addicted to cocaine.
So when you are in love you are essentially from a brain perspective high as a kite and in this instance when you’re falling in love with somebody you’re actually like addicted to your dealer like they are they become the drug. And what’s interesting for me is somebody who enjoys casual relationships who’s non-monogamous and consensually open on non-monogamous relationships and is somebody who’s very promiscuous who has you know like my motivation is to be self-expressed but also like leave the campsite better than I found it like not not wreak havoc and leave a wake of destruction in my path from wanting to have casual relationships and casual sex. I don’t take my casual sex casually and so you know over the years it was for me trying to figure out like well how how do you know when it’s a good idea to have a casual relationship with somebody and like how do you keep something casual when you you know you’re trying to to keep things casual because what I was noticing was you know sometimes people.. we would just fall madly in love and it didn’t seem like you know it seemed like it was impossible to keep things casual and I was very invested in like how do we how do we you know stick to our goals basically and also understand like one is a good idea to go deeper like one’s a good fit. And this was you know the beginning of me starting to figure out also like dating your species and all these other ideas that you maybe you’ve heard me talk about.
So the things that I have found out over the last you know 15 or 20 years I put down in a hand-out because you know I like my little downloads and hand-outs and I call them the casual sex protocols. I also sometimes refer to them as slut protocols so if you’re curious about getting the rest of the downloads and learning the rest of the points because we probably won’t get a chance to cover everything in this quick talk. What I invite you to do is go to https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols and then I’ll send you a sign page that will then give you the download and has a little free video of me walking through the steps. Just dive right into the steps and I think these steps are useful for people who aren’t or who are looking to have serious relationships but when you need to keep it casual, here’s some good advice I think that seems to be working for lots of other peoples at this point I’ve taught this stuff to thousands of folks and I’ve gotten a lot of great positive feedback.
I just think it’s useful to have more choice in your life. This is not me dissing on falling in love, this is not me dissing on you know relationships with a capital R but I have noticed in coaching and working with people that when people can’t control themselves you know there’s the erotic fun and freedom of the abandon of falling in love but when you don’t have control of it if you can you know. If you can keep yourself from falling in love with somebody who’s a bad fit for you. That are some also seems to wreak a lot of havoc, folks.
So the first bit of advice to just look at is it seems casual relationships work better when people see each other less often and generally speaking if I had to give you like you know air quotes a big bit of advice don’t see people that you’re trying to be casual with you trying to have a relationship with a with a lowercase R don’t see them more than once a month if you are seeing them you know some people are they can see each other twice a month but if you’re seeing people like weekly or several days a week just psychologically you’re having a relationship like you’re you’re being in somebody’s life on a regular basis and that can be really hard to keep yourself from starting to develop really deep feels and again like I think there’s there’s a distinction between intimacy and just getting your social needs met and connecting people with somebody and then like building something. And if you’re seeing each other multiple times a month just kind of keep recapping yourselves on the cocaine on the door fence on all the brain chemistry and hormones that get released when you start to fall in love. And you know if you don’t pay attention and you keep you know it’s like when they used to talk about like getting addicted to tobacco you know if you have one cigarette you’re probably fine but if you smoke three or four cigarettes in the same day that’s when you get hooked.
So like if you keep dumping those endorphins and those hormones there’s a good chance you’re gonna like set off a domino effect event starts to have you fall in love and then all of a sudden you’re addicted to your cocaine dealer so to speak. So the second bit of advice and the protocols is to be really mindful of how often you’re connecting with people so if you’re trying to be casual and let’s say you are seeing them only once a month but you’re texting them every day you’re sexting them every day you know before you go to bed at night you check out their Facebook post to you know see how their day went.
Just be mindful like what you’re doing is you’re getting that hit again you’re getting your your your shot of cocaine and you’re doing the relationship thing just without actually seeing them in person. This is also really useful this doesn’t have to be about casual sex this can also be just like with dating and you know if you’re with somebody you’re dating somebody and you guys are you know still trying to figure out if you’re a good fit a good match for going deeper in the relationship you know following these protocols can be really useful because you don’t you don’t start falling in love before you’re you’re sure that it’s a good idea to fall in love and also for them like they’re not falling in love with you before you guys kind of figure out what’s going on.
I’m just going to check my comments can you love more than one at the same time? Yes yes you can I think it’s not everybody’s thing now I’m on a loud noise zero so I’m going to get off this in a second oh hi Carly! Hi Zita!
Yes! Well love has no limits and that can be quite [inaudible 9:13] might want to pick an opportune time and place to have that kind of expansion in your life. Some people you know they’re working and focusing on other things and they don’t want to fall in love where they’re dating somebody who wants children and they don’t want children but they are having a great time and they are trying not to fall in love. So again just just consider this advice you’re not a bad person if you don’t use it and I’m going to get off this noisy street as quickly as I can. I apologize for the extra noise.
So other bits of advice that can be really useful for shhh I’m Jay Walking (don’t tell anybody) other bits of advice that can be useful around seeing somebody or sleeping with somebody once a month and then also being mindful of how often we stay in touch with them. Another thing that where people would make mistakes if you’re trying not to fall in love is you do the sleepovers. You’re having the great date you know maybe you’re even doing the date once a month you’re following the protocols but then you do the sleepover and that’s really intimate and amazing and you had you had sex. Let’s say you’re having sex you had sex the night before and then you have the morning sex and that’s going to be the big the the one two punch that will often start trip wiring and creating the domino effect of people falling in love. You have this this you know intimate time and maybe some ecstatic amazing sex with somebody and then you sleep over so you’re getting all this bonding and cuddling and all these monkey touch needs met for intimacy.
For my more woowoo folks you know perhaps you’re like you know over over the night time of sleeping together you’re just kind of bathing in each other’s energies and the kind of weaving that that can do and then the next morning you have the morning sex and you just kind of anchor it all and lock it all in and again there’s nothing inherently wrong with sleepovers. It’s the idea of you know when you start stacking these functions let’s say you’re seeing each other weekly having weekly sleepovers and weekly sex and then having morning sex the next morning. That’s four times in a week you know in a month that you just keep dumping those endorphins and for some people it can be really hard to not start deeply connecting having feelings for each other and falling in love and maybe there’s a distinction of love with the lowercase L and then like capital in all caps love. And if you two are trying to keep it casual and you’re doing those things month after month it’s really hard like there’s not like a casual in all caps it doesn’t work that way like this casual it’s all in lowercase and then there’s relationship and then there’s relationship with it with an uppercase R and then there’s relationship all caps love all caps.
Nothing wrong with these things I just think if you’re trying to create more ease and self-expression in your life and more joy and stack the deck in your favour to have really great relationships that aren’t fraught and I know that that you know a lot of people have the opinion that relationships are there for us to do deep soul growth and work. In my opinion is I think that deep soul growth and work can happen without the struggle without all the friction and that I would invite you to consider what if the lesson was learning how to have joyful expansive relationships.
There will be times when there’s heart when they are hard work and life sucks but how about having joy and expansive intimacy and relationships that don’t require all the struggle. You guys wanna say hi? There we go some some cool guys across the street morning guys doing a little Facebook live.
So you know it’s really about choice this is just information for you to consider you’re not wrong if you love falling in love. I’m just curious about more fun falling in love without the horrible train wreck and all the casualties six months, eighteen months, three years later that’s all. So hey Brent, Oh yeah Pinkerton Academy woohoo go Astros!
So I’m going to wrap this up because my phone is now telling me I’ve got like ten percent battery left. Go to https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols to find out what the rest of the protocols are there’s. I’ve got think I’ve got 12 protocols on there and they all kind of stack nicely and there’s a little video that you get that’ll also kind of walk you through the basics of understanding these things and then you know either come back here or email me at read at https://reidaboutsex.com/ what you thought about the protocols like do they sound useful. Maybe maybe you don’t need them but maybe a friend needs them. Somebody who just keeps falling in love with the wrong people and one of those you know one of the things like I say a lot in my workshops is you know one of the biggest challenges in relationships today and maybe it’s always been this way is that there are people who fall in love with great people who are horrible fits for them and it just makes sense to me that having a little bit more control or self-aware awareness on how you navigate falling in love that that could be really useful for some people it seems that having more choice not an overwhelming amount of choice but more agency more coordination and self-awareness in your life is is a good thing and not a bad thing.
So leave your comments. I’m sorry I couldn’t read everything on my selfie stick to say hi to everybody this morning but i’m gonna i’m going to jump off before my phone discharges which when your sex educating you say your phone is going to discharge get to sounds dirty just sounds it doesn’t sound right. So I’m going to end there. Thank you so much folks you know what you think share the video and I think tomorrow’s live Facebook live album is Cathy Vartuli who lives here in amazing San Jose where I must have passed like you know at least two dozen fruit trees and the oranges look pretty right. Thank you all for going on a walk with me. Bye!