Mastering Saying What’s Not Being Said!
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Reid Mihalko from http://www.Relationship10x.com and http://www.ReidAboutSex.com presents Relationship10x Free Training Videos.
Reid: Hello everybody. It is Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com broadcasting to you from http://www.Relationship10x.com where we are going to teach people how to transform their relationships 10 times over in a little 10 minute video. That is the challenge that I’ve set for myself is today, I’m going to teach you how to navigate emotional distress and also be better communicator. But first, I just want to say thank you so much all of you who commented on the first video and who’d been joining us to this video sequences. I’m so excited about all the buzz and the emails and the text and everything that I’m getting from people so thank you so much for being a part of this whole thing and being interested in taking all the craziness that happens during the holidays and actually turning it from something that you survived with your friends, family, and loved ones and to something that you can actually thrive and we talked about last time in the first video how you can feel more romantic for your partner or how you can transform their experience of your relationship by the ways that you’re orienting and understanding their romantic orientation. What you can do to leverage their love languages and how to create a romance homerun and I’m really excited for the comments and the suggestions that people are putting in because during the next video is when we get to announce at the end of that video who’s going to win the sex geek t-shirt. This is all very, very excited but we only have left like 8 more minutes for this video for me to teach you a whole bunch of stuff so let’s just dive in.
The first thing I want to teach you today, the first concept is a relationship mistake that a lot of people make because the way that we raise in culture, the way that we were role-modeled relationships growing up and the concept is that, most people are asking in the relationships. They’re asking for what they think the people around them will be a yes to. Alright? So what a lot of people are doing is calibrating like well, okay, what are they going to say yes to and then they’re figuring out how to ask for that rather that actually getting clear about what it is that they really want and what they can then basically do is how they can ask for it in a way that gives the other person room to say yes or no.
This concept about basically hedging your bets and only asking for the things that you think other people will be a yes for. Basically what this starts to do is create resentment in your life because what you’re doing is you slowly cutting yourself off for what you actually want in your life. You’re trying to make everybody else “happy” rather than speaking up for the things that are important to you which will leave you feeling more self-expressed and in video number 3 we’re going to talk about this whole idea about self-expression vs. attraction and what you can do to flip that cultural paradigm on its head so that your relationship starts being more self-expressed for yourself. But in this, if we take this idea that most of us have been living in our lives. Asking for the things that we think other people will be a yes for. What ends if happening is we ended up, some of us, slowly getting upset, slowly building up resentments and what ends if happening is for you to start transforming your relationship life for you to start making the holidays a little bit easier. We need to learn how to have difficult conversations.
This a whole formula that I’m going to give you. Some of you might have already seen this because this gets passed around a lot in certain sex educator community circles. This is my difficult conversation formula and below on the page is a download link for you to download an actual pdf version of this so that you can have it as a worksheet and work from and put on your fridge or whatever you want to do so you always got it with you.
The way the difficult formula conversation works is basically writing exercise and what you’re going to do is you’re going to first write out, what are not saying is blank? Whatever that is, you might want to give yourself like 2 minutes to just write all the things that you’re not saying in your relationships for this example when you’re going home for holidays, make a list of the things that you’re not speaking up about or saying in your relationships in home for the holidays. You don’t have to say all of them, you don’t say any of them but getting them out on paper, way more useful than powerful than having them rattling around your head where they get a lot more momentum.
Step number 2 after you have what you are not saying as list. Pick one of those things off the list. Whatever’s the most carry is the one that I would recommend and what you’re going to do is you’re going to answer this next question. Why I’m not saying that, why I’m not saying it is I’m afraid blank will happen. Again, take another couple of minutes just right down, list off. What are you afraid that’s going to happen if you were to say that? If you were to share it. Get a big list. Get all that scary stuff out of your head and on paper.
Last but not the least, what I’d like to have happen by sharing that is blank. Again, couple of more minutes. Write, write, write. Get those things out on your head. What you have here now when you’ve done getting these exercises for that one thing that you’re not saying that specific thing, you now have 2 list that will help you create contacts and clarity for what you want to share with whomever you’re not sharing. Let’s say, it’s your partner, your loved one. Then you can actually take this list and turn it into a script and what you’re going to do is, you’re going to go up to your partner and you’re going to say, “Honey, there’s something I’m not telling you. Why I’m not telling you is I’m afraid this and this will happen. What I’d like to have happen by telling you is this, this, and this. And what I’m not telling you, what I’m not saying, is blank.” So what you do is you reorder your list and you can go to your partner and I’ve had clients of mine, coaching clients of mine show up with their list to practice on me and they get all done, they get used to it, they go through their freak out and they go to their partner and they’re actually written off their lists and they say like for example, what I’m not saying, I’ll take one that’s funny for the holidays. “Honey, there’s something I’m not telling you. I’m afraid that if I’ll tell you this, you’re going to leave me, you’re going to lose respect for me, you think I’m a liar, you’re going to pack up and take the kids or the dog or the hamsters, whatever. What I’d like to have happen by me telling you this, is that you trust me that you know that I’m not going to hide things from you anymore that I’m going to be really honest with you and always bring this scary stuff to you as quickly as I can and that will have time to work through it and I hope that what happens by me sharing this is that you’ll learn to love me more and that strengthens our relationship and what I’m not saying to you is I cannot stand your uncle Ben and if I ever see him again, I will probably take a yule log and bash him over the head with it because he did XY and Z to me the last time we’re back at your place and I’ve never told you this.”
Whatever that is insert your own funny little conversation, whatever that scary thing for you but what you’re doing with this formula, is you get the clarity of getting it out of your head and down on paper. And then you have a way to go on your partner and create context for what’s about to happen rather than what most people do is they don’t say what’s difficult for them. It builds up all its pressure and one day they’ll just blurt it out and it surprises your partner. The emotional navigation tool for this whole piece is understanding that most people do not handle surprise well. Do not handle new information well. So the next time you have a difficult conversation to somebody you initiate it, get the cat out of the bag, understand that the person that you’re sharing with may not handle surprise well, new information well. They’re just flipping out, freaking out because it was a surprise for them. It was new information. And what you want to do is give them room for their blood chemistry to calm down and then come back and be like, “Would you like to have a conversation about the difficult thing that I just shared with you?”
Knowing that a lot of people don’t handle new information well, makes it easier for you not to make it means something about you that they’re flipping out. Okay? We’re almost at the time but what I’m going to leave you with this is idea that when the shit hits the fan, in a lot of relationships because people are surprised to something happened. What they do is they end up getting their own bucket of shit and throw it on the fan as well. If you understand that people don’t always handle new information well, if they flipped out on you, you cannot possibly remain calm and not flip out back on them. So when they throw that bucket of shit on the fan, if shit hits the fan what you can do is calmly reach over and unplug the fan.
It’s a revolutionary idea and it’s one that I wished to my mom and dad had had growing. Well I was growing up with my brother and my brothers are growing up in the house because what we got to see was a lot of surprise and a lot of bad behavior because of surprising.
So I hope that’s really useful for you this difficult formula conversation and the idea that people don’t always handle new information well so that you don’t get activated when your partner or your friends or your family when they get activated. The goal is for you not to get activated when somebody else gets activated. That way, you can calmly reach over and unplug fan.
Join us next video when we’re going to talk about this idea of self-expression vs. attraction and how you can bring that into holidays that you can actually be more bold and free and self-expressed and actually finally start being the person in the relationship that you’ve always wanted to be.
Leave your comments below. Let me know what you think of these videos. Share it with your friends. Hit like on Facebook. Go nuts! Give us your feedback and don’t forget, if you haven’t watched the video number one, go back and watch video number one so that you can be part of the sex geek t-shirt give away. I think that’s everything, this is Reid Mihalko signing off and let’s up your relationship 10 times, shall we? Happy holidays.