If You Need To Feel Special… Where Does Other People’s Consent Come In?
Sorry about the low level background noise! Our mic decided to die halfway through the “shoot”!
Cathy: So, where is the boundary between other people’s need to feel special and my consent? This is Reid Mihalko from www.ReidAboutSex.com
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from www.TheIntimacyDojo.com
Cathy: You do remember who I am?
Reid: Yes I do but this is a good question, read the question again.
Cathy: Some people have a very strong need to feel special and where is the boundary between their need to feel special and my consent when they want to feel special from me?
Reid: If their need to feel special is something they can’t get met? Like just in general whoever that is or however that is, right? Coz lots of ways to make somebody feels special. Like I have a huge need to feel special so in ironic twist I tend to date women when I date women who don’t date men. So if you’re dating me I must be special oh my god that is so simple, so sub consciousness simple.
Cathy: So where this came up was someone who’s coming to an event I was part of I was helping run very articulately and insightfully recognize that they had the need to feel special and they were asking for a lot of special accommodations and exceptions and I’m looking for where the boundary is like I do like people to feel special but I’m not always feeling consensual and were …
Reid: They were trying to get well is not so but it was really a question of you wanting to be kind but also not taking care giving good no.
Cathy: Right. When I run an event I very much care about everyone feeling special and well taking care of but when one person is asking for a lot more exceptions and accommodations sometimes they’re pulling energy that I would have spent to the event and it’s not always consensual.
Reid: Okay. So there need for attention…
Cathy: And special exceptions was beyond what I was willing to do and they’re acknowledging that they need to feel special.
Reid: And in this situation when did you stop being good in giving good no?
Cathy: I think that for me when I’m running an event I want to make everybody feel safe and I don’t k now where the no, where I, where it’s…
Reid: Well the way I will handle is and again this is just my advice take it or leave it is most people, my belief is that most people wants to be seen and heard first. And we could talk about systems of power structure and institutionalize system of where things are not cool but somebody can ask for a special treatment and you can thank them for speaking up coz you realize in a world how important it is for people to use their words and you can still be kind and compassionate no. Now that may not leave them feeling special coz they didn’t get the yes that would prove that you’ll go out with me so I am special coz you don’t date men but you can be present with them which leaves them feeling seen. Then for an event organizer perspective you’re juggling bandwidth and spinning plates and try to keep it falling apart which is in an event organizer, party runner or whatever it is that your job on Thanksgiving dinner and everything is going to hell that bandwidth situation is just a bandwidth situation but if you try to be kind to people and make a lot of exceptions rather than being kind and saying no and you’re a no. I think that’s what we all get tricky coz I do it too. We teach these stuff and I still I stretch the rubber bands too much and it snaps.
Cathy: it was challenging for me coz I don’t want to disperse when I feel very safe cared about I want it everyone out there in the event to feel that way and the request is not always request they were like this was happened or I need this.
Reid: Well I think that is this must happened sometimes to people coming from a fear place and it has a certain kind of energy versus I could x line and see and be okay with it but I just not gonna needs for being special meet. Or if you have the bandwidth and you notice what’s going on this person is one of the reasons is that person said they haven’t need of feeling special.
Cathy: That was really insightful and brilliant…
Reid: Did you think to ask them and again when we’re running event you’ll have the bandwidth to be creative as always but ask them if there’s anything else that you could do that will leave them feeling special.
Cathy: But I also felt that I wasn’t at that point I was already feeling a little bit drained by that person and so I didn’t feel like it was my job to make them feel that special like above the other people. So it didn’t feel consensual I already feeling that it crossed my boundaries somewhat but I wasn’t really sure how to…
Reid: So here’s the rub when we coz I’ve done this as facilitators I’m like oh please I welcome anyone to ask. You can always make your request and that’s when we get fucked. Why keep you making request? So maybe what’s more accurate is you’re all welcome I invite you all to make no more than 5 request.
Cathy: I do loved when people make request it just felt like someone is trying to get something from me that we have the scoop of running the events and I wasn’t the yes of what they were requiring at considering you’re the vent organizer you must do this.
Reid: Did you talk a therapist about this issue? You can see her face, she’s like. But this is like, this is s a human thing we are all have family members that makes request so many of people in our lives that needs to feel special. We wanted to encourage to speak up but then you say that and then there are people that just won’t shut up and then how do we navigate?
Cathy: I was just bringing the discussion coz I thought it was a good thing.
Reid: No what do you think? We don’t always have the answers. What do you think? Is that a good way to handle that kind of situation or dynamic?
Cathy: That leaves people feeling special and respective but also as a person…
Reid: A lot of tricks to take care of your boundaries which also train other people what can they expect. Teach us [in audible] Leave comments please.