How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Rev My Engine Without Making Him Feel Like A Bad Lover?

by Reid on November 14, 2020

How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Rev My Engine Without Making Him Feel Like A Bad Lover?








How can you tell your partner that you need something different or better in bed, without crushing their confidence? Find out with Reid Mihalko from and Cathy Vartuli from


Cathy: So someone wrote it and said, “My fiancée feels like he’s a great lover but dot, dot, dot he could use a bit of help in revving up my engine. How do I teach him how to do that without making him feel like he’s not a great lover?” This is Reid Mihalko from

Reid: I am Reid Mihalko. This is the voice of Reid Mihalko

Cathy: And I’m Cathy Vartuli from

Reid: Hello Cathy.

Cathy: You’re going to do the deep

Reid:  We’re going to use the deep radio announcer voice today, perhaps using a deep radio announcer voice along with the word fiancée will rev your partner up but maybe not. What advice do you have Cathy?

Cathy: One thing you could do, a thought that I had was if it’s something that the two of you might do is like say “I’d love to try some new things. Let’s take a class together, let’s discover, let’s explore.” Reid talks about a lot in his classes on relationships sex about having exploratory nights where you just like let’s try out new things so it’s not that you have to say “Oh that really sucks” but it’s like also like “Okay this really feels good and let’s explore new things, let’s watch some videos together or let’s go to a class where we get to they talk about different kinds of touch.” One of the things I notice myself, I’m very kinesthetic and I love touch but if someone’s not present with their fingertips if they’re just kind of mindlessly…yeah touch just like that

Reid: You feel revved up yet?

Cathy: No, I feel the opposite of revved up.  That’s enough. But if someone get…I what…you actually teach this a lot, you’re putting their awareness in their fingertips and then just letting their fingers feel and enjoy the sensation so

Reid: Yeah

Cathy: often we will try to please the other person and when we’re doing that we’re not really paying attention to the sensation or energy going back and forth so maybe doing some of that. What about you?

Reid: I’m going to…so it…my, my question is about the dot, dot, dot, right? It’s like it feels like my…my so it feels like he’s a great lover but dot, dot, dot. So the next piece is he needs revving up my engine. So my question is working backward when you are revved up, is your fiancée actually a good lover? Like when is this a problem about arousal or is it about technique or when you’re super aroused

Cathy: Or do you need

Reid: who gives a flying fuck about technique ‘coz if they

Cathy: or maybe you need some more time

Reid: Yeah. So…so again it’s like when you’re really aroused with your fiancée how’s the sex? And then kind of working backward from there because a lot of people have never really…no one’s nerded out like not no one but most people haven’t really been taught about arousal

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and so what ends up happening is these transformative “Oh my god that was the hottest sex I’ve ever had,” are these moments where just a bunch of stuff happens and it feels like luck, where if you kind of pop if you were able to parse it out and look at it from a couple of different angles, there are some things that you might discover about yourself and your fiancée discovers about themselves where you’re like “Oh wait a minute, these are all ingredients to making this really great cake of sexuality, right?” And that rises because the oven’s just at the right temperature you know and then it’s delicious with this kind of frosting on it. I don’t know why I got on cakes but

Cathy: No, that was great.

Reid: ‘coz its fiancée, it’s French it should be in crepes um but the idea being if you were sufficiently aroused then you’re…the sex is better. So now we can be like “Oh, let’s nerd out on how you can be more aroused.” And there are so many different ways to look at that. Jaiya does a really great thing about erotic blueprints and you know for some people how…what gets them turned on, for some people, it’s very like it’s like touch

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and sensuality, for other people it’s like you know it’s this erotic kind of kinky thing so transgression and whatnot is the way to get into their…into their bodies because you turn the brain on.

Cathy: Tell them a story or

Reid: Yeah and other people

Cathy: sex and naughty things

Reid:  and other people kinky might be it’s not leather and whips but it’s like rose petals and bindis and you know sacred

Cathy: Romantic, yeah

Reid: sacred sexuality, right? And moving energy up your spine and then like that gets like there’s so many different ways to get into yourself and for your partners to help you get into your own body. For other people, it’s like “Oh my god, what’s the turn on is to see my partner like not be able to control themselves because they’re just seething with lust and….and they lose it.” And like that’s the turn-on whereas other people would be like “No that was that was weird. That’s a scary face.”

Cathy: It’s like scary, slow down.

Reid: Yeah like slow down. So when you start to kind of parse out those pieces of yourself and your partner’s pieces, now you can start to mix them and some people what’s…what’s going on is…is the sex is…is just bad because the techniques all off and so even if you were aroused you know the sex is mediocre and what we think is “Well if I would just more turn on, the sex would be better.” Maybe but start like looking at what’s actually working and what’s not working and understand that most people haven’t had enough geeking out on the stuff to even know where to begin, it’d be like you’ve got you know we…back to the oven, you have to you know “Reid take apart the oven” and I’m like “Okay, I’ve got screwdrivers and wrenches. I can take the oven apart but that doesn’t mean I know how to make it work”

Cathy: Or put it back together.

Reid: Or what or what to fix

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: So this is where Cathy’s advice go take workshops, nerd out with…with people, read books together like make shared projects of…of discovering these pieces for yourselves and I will also add in, nerd out on your own about yourself and about sex in general because the other slippery slope that’s tricky is when you have when your arousal then becomes your fiancées purview and there’s so much that we all have about our own choices and our own arousal and how we can take what we can give ourselves and bring that into the bedroom. And…and again like what works best is when everybody can do that

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: you know yourself really well, your partner knows themselves really well, you know each other really well and then you can kind of mix it all together.

Cathy: So we’ll come back and talk about that in another video?

Reid: I think that’s a…that’s a wise move. More ovens and cakes in our next video.

Cathy: And dot, dot, dot

Reid:  dot, dot, dot

Cathy: Leave comments below, we’d love to know what you think.

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