Having Strong Personal Boundaries About The Time You Spend With Others | Facebook Live With Reid
Reid: Hello Facebook and YouTube and everyplace else this video will eventually be. It’s Reid Mihalko from https://reidaboutsex.com/ coming to you from the hot tub and we have a really great question that just came in from somebody who had downloaded the casual sex protocols and so I’m gonna answer their question for today’s video and you let me know how are you how are you doing today? And also as we talked about this answer if you want to answer what would you do in these situations and if you haven’t heard of the casual sex protocols those are available at https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols. And this lovely person emailed in, “Hello Reid! Do you have tips for handling, scheduling, and maintaining privacy of your casual sex dates and how do you avoid the anxious jealous interrogations from some partners? In other words, how do you have stronger personal boundaries regarding the time that you spend with other people?” And I…I adjusted a few things but that’s the basic question.
So first off for everybody who keeps emailing in questions or leaving questions in the comments or personal messaging me via Facebook or leaving comments on YouTube, I really…really appreciate the questions so please keep them coming. And my advice for you know basically for scheduling and for maintaining boundaries, one of those things it’s kind of a dating your species situation where the casual sex that you’re having with people are you know how…how are they doing with the casual sex situation? Are you picking people to have casual sex with who want to have casual sex that you don’t want to have a relationship but are not used or used to being with people who are really open about the casual sex that they’re having. So it’s that kind of it’s a situation of like it’s not “don’t-ask, don’t-tell” that’s kind of like “if I don’t know about it, it won’t bother me” and if you’re really open and frank about the relationships that you’re having or the casual sex that you’re having then if you’re dating people who for whom that’s really hard to navigate the fact that they’re being intimate with you and you know while it is air quotes “no strings attached” which does not mean you don’t have responsibilities to be a decent human being and to be kind and to be you know a good communicator that like how much is it gonna bother them when they’re with you or when they’re not with you for them to know that you’re with other people?
So for me, I figured out many years ago you know like more than ten years ago like pre Allison and I that I seemed to have less drama and upset in my life with me being as promiscuous as I was when I dated people who were also promiscuous you know if I’m having casual sex with people who are also into having casual sex and we’re being good communicators and kind to each other. There’s there was a big shift in my world when I kind of made that adjustment and so I’m a lot more wary about playing with people who you know who are just beginning their journey into casual sex exploration. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be with people who are awesome and awesome at casual sex who also just have feels and so then the advice is more calibrated to like how do you have those conversations? And some people might like their main strategy for avoiding having feels and drama is well if we just don’t talk about it because talking about it must mean that it’s happening and makes everything real and that just causes more stress and so like your default like choices are kind of like “Alright, so let’s just pretend that all the casual sex isn’t happening or that I’m not seeing other people” and…and then we’ll use that as a way of mitigating the feels but I just don’t think that that works out in the long run. While I have seen healthy grounded “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policies, they seem to work because like the people don’t really it’s not that they don’t want to know, it’s that they don’t need to know and…and that even if they did find out or if they were at a cocktail party or a Christmas party that you were throwing or holiday whatever pumpkin-carving and they ran into your other lovers and you know in just in casual conversation like, “Well how did you meet so and so?” And like “Well I sleep with so-and-so” and like for the people for whom they’re like “Oh, that’s nice. How’s that going? Is that is that good? I I’ve slept with them too. That’s how we met.” For people who can have a fairly, calm conversation and…and acknowledge the reality of the situation not to say that they don’t have feels but that they don’t have a ton of feels or in a great situation they’re at actually happy for you and they’re happy for so and so, there’s more compersion and that’s something that we really don’t doesn’t get talked a lot about in the casual sex world is just like the compersion of like hookup compersion if we’re gonna give it a phrase. In a non-monogamy world’s around polyamory especially and kink and BDSM like there…there are more conversations about compersion and…and feeling happy and to define terms, compersion is basically is like you when you feel pleasure because other people are having fun and feeling pleasure when it doesn’t include you.
So again like if you can calibrate for picking people who tend towards compersion who maybe don’t need a lot of emotional support in the moment from you directly because you could have somebody who has a lot of feels but has a support group and doesn’t have to kind of you know slather their feels all over you like they can just be like “Oh yeah like I have a lot of jealousy and I’ve totally got the tools and the support team to handle that but if it flares up you know I’ll let you know but you don’t really have to do anything but just you know be understanding when I’m having a really jealous day or jealous feels or you know could you give me some reassurance in these ways?” If you need to go down the rabbit hole of jealousy, I’ll put a link in the description for some of my products and information and programs about jealousy because you could point your lovers in that direction and give them support in the way we’re gonna kind of cheer them on for them getting the tools rather than you having to always be changing your behavior to make them feel better.
There’s a difference between giving people reassurance and them being an you know a never-ending bucket of…of needing reassurance and for some people maybe you know your main love language for showing that you care and being kind is just reassurance and empathy all the time like you have buckets full of it so you can just keep pouring it into their bucket. But for a lot of other people especially when he’s just trying to keep it air quotes “casual” whatever casual means for you…for other people trying to keep it casual like all that reassurance, all that emotional support is what makes a casual relationship not casual. And so I don’t mean to…to dash everyone’s dreams but you might want to take a look at you know is this really the best fit of a person for you to be having casual sex with? There’s nothing wrong with them, they’re not broken they’re just calibrated a little bit differently. And so how you support each other and you’re like love languages for support and what constitutes as you know that line from casual to not casual or casual to this is a lot of work casual you know you might just want to look at that and…and have a conversation with your lover or lovers about those situations and this is more of a like “Hey, you know you know how can we talk about these things and find a win-win solution and find ways to cheer each other on and support each other and just kind of witness each other? How do I leave you feeling supported in you going and getting that handled for yourself? And then that kind of approach isn’t just useful for casual relationships like that’s a good way to support your partners for your air quotes “serious relationships.” And I keep using air quotes because I take my casual sex very seriously and I take my friendships around my casual sex very seriously so like I like to show up but you know am I picking people for whom the ways that I like to show up, the ways that really nourish me are really good fit for them or are we just a really bad fit even for the casual?
So jealousy support tools and programs and things like that Brené Brown has some really great resources on…on navigating emotions and jealousy and you know like self-esteem and insecurity stuff but again like you don’t want to be picking people for casual sex that you’re actually kind of being their…their therapist or coach, I don’t know that that’s what you should be doing in your casual play and if you’re doing that kind of stuff in your more serious relationships like if you’re being somebody’s coach or therapist in your romantic relationships, intimate relationships I really suggest that you support them in going and getting therapy and getting a coach rather than you being their therapist or coach. If you’re gonna be their therapist or coach maybe you should be charging them money and that’s again like people criticized me for that belief but if you’re really looking for what makes life smooth and easy so that you have resources for when it actually gets tough you know rather than having to…to juggle jealousy and anxiety and worry for somebody you’re trying to have a casual sex with, I think it would be better for you to be able to have these conversations to cheer each other on and then when something that that needs attention comes up like maybe there’s a you know a condom breaks or an STD scare or something like that then all the work and showing up is devoted to “Hey, okay like this is a shitty situation. You forgot your birth control and the condom broke so holy shit like let’s…let’s go to the clinic together, let’s go get that handled and you know let me support you that way” rather than trying to talk people down from the emotions that they’re having just because you’re living the life that you want to lead. And this is again like the this is a this is a really great question about how do you keep things being a good fit which is actually kind of a complex situation but if you pick if you choose wisely as a the knight said from Indiana Jones “things kinda work out” rather than trying to emotionally do the switcheroo which…which ended badly for the….it didn’t end badly for Indiana Jones but it destroyed the temple that the Holy Grail is in. I hope I referenced that correctly. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Other things…personal boundaries, again if people are if it’s not a good fit then and then and people are needing a lot from you then that can feel like it’s crossing a boundary. So what’s really interesting is when…in my experience, when you find people that are really good fits, the boundaries are really good fits you know it’s like “Oh, okay you know well here’s…here’s my boundary on this. How’s that for you?” And you’re like “Yeah that can work for me. I’m…that’s a that’s not just a good boundary that’s just a really smart thing to do so let’s do it that way.” And then that way you’re kind of navigating boundaries and agreements not trying to enforce them but they just kind of make sense and so you just kind of like it ends up being the smart way to do things for the relationships that you’re having to be healthy and be a good fit. I think a lot of people think boundaries…boundaries are these concessions that you have to make in relationships and…and while sometimes they are you know like we…we have got a…we had a condom break so we’re gonna get checked out and you know while we’re in the waiting period not knowing what our STD result…results are, “Hey could we agree not to not to have intercourse with other people while we wait for our results” you know like whatever agreement you’re coming up with so that you can feel emotionally and physically safe and…and like spiritually a heart…heart safe, those kinds of coming to those agreements and creating those boundaries that’s because you’re…you’re using those things to move things forward in a healthy way rather than boundaries being like this preventive wall to keep people from behaving in ways that they otherwise might want to according to their self-expression. And boundaries…yeah the stronger personal boundaries part is really you know one, it’s a fit thing, right? Because if somebody if your boundaries and needs don’t fit for somebody else then they’re always trying to get you to do something that you don’t want to do and you know there’s a distinction there between like “Oh, I wish I could have unprotected sex with everybody” and the “No, I need to be using a condom because that’s healthier” like that kind of boundaries, not the boundary I’m talking about like that you want to do something but it just isn’t smart for the, the, the ecosystem versus you know “If we’re gonna have casual sex you cannot have oral sex with anyone” and then you’re like “No, I want to have oral sex with lots of people because we have a casual relationship like we’re not gonna be making agreements around you know my sexual self-expression” and it’s not that it’s bad for the other person to have needs and boundaries it’s just that your needs and boundaries and their needs and boundaries might be it might not be a good fit and then you should really have a conversation about that and have conversations more from the perspective of kind of like improve comedy where it’s like yes and what’s the third option we can create rather than it’s you know my way or the highway or your way or the highway is the right third option that we can…we can create that to have fun.
So if it if it’s around you know not having oral sex with other people and you want to well okay so if I do have all the oral sex I want, is there any way that we can play or engage that would be really fun for you like how about we just use sex toys all the time or I always use gloves if we’re having hand sex and then you know for you and I we take oral sex off the table but there’s all these other crayons in the crayon box of…of sexuality and and can we find a couple of crayons that would still be fun for us that leave you feeling safe and healthy emotionally and and physically and spiritually and heart wise and also allow me to have my self-expression and a lot of people I think they just don’t know how many other crayons in the crayon box of sex there are and so with such limited options it feels like we just have to create all these boundaries to feel safe.
So again like it’s more about that yes and find that third thing that would feel great for both of you and again still if they’re gonna have a lot of worries and emotions around jealousy and whatnot, I would say send them to some of the links I’ll put up above and I think if you go to I think you go to https://reidaboutsex.com/jealousy, it’ll…it’ll bring you to that stuff but I’ll…I’ll double-check. Last but not least, scheduling so maybe there’s somebody who’s like you know “But…but I can only meet you on Wednesdays” and you’re like “Yeah but there’s a couple of people who need my Wednesday so you know how about we have Wednesday’s once every other month?” And they’re like “No but I need to see you once a month” and you’re like “Well you can’t see me once a month. I’m seeing other people so I can give you know I can like let’s test drive. How about we do every other month and we see how that goes” and then always you know to stick to the protocols, right? If somebody wants to see you every week for casual sex I’m gonna say that’s kind of a relationship that’s not really casual and if they need to…to text you all the time or call you every week to have a check in, every week? That might be a relationship and you know maybe have them go to https://reidaboutsex.com/protocols and download the…the casual sex protocols so that they can take a look at them and then the two of you sit down and you know talk about them, see what’s a good fit and what’s not a good fit and you know if you’re gonna argue about things argue about those things rather than…than arguing about you know about things that are really just pointing to and indicating that that’s a bad fit maybe and again maybe there’s a workaround but if you’re gonna try to see lots of different people or even you know only see one person but keep it casual you know go back to what are your needs? What do you need to feel safe and healthy? What do you want to be exploring? And then ask them the same questions and then as you start mapping those things out, where is their overlap? Where are those sweet spots for the two of you and how might that work?
I think that’s about it. This is a really good question. I don’t need to keep repeating the same advice over and over again. I’m really interested in what you think like what are some of your…what are some of your advice for you know being able to enforce your boundaries and dealing with people who are you know anxious and jealous and they’re interrogating you about the casual sex that you’re having and a perfectly good response is, “That’s none of your business” you know as long as we’re agreeing and being safe with the things that we need to be safe with for each other like you don’t need to know names, you don’t need to know who I dated on Thursday and if you have a concern about that like what’s underneath the concern like knowing somebody’s name is that really gonna is that really gonna put your mind at ease or do you do you need to know if there is you know a super slut because you sleeping with me when I am sleeping with somebody who sleeps with a lot of people that does something makes you worried, makes you worried about you your physical health…okay I get that. So what do we need for you to feel good about your physical health? Do we use gloves? Do we use condoms and dental dams? Do we only use toys on each other? Do we only have Skype sex and so we’re not even in the same room? I mean there’s all these different crayons in the crayon box.
So if you want to…to leave some advice for everybody like we can crowdsource some ideas and some advice and again keep breathing and remember that there’s another human being on the other side of all this who’s got feels and it’s not bad that they have feels be kind to them and…and support them as much as…as much as…as healthy for you in a casual way remember you’re not their coach or their therapist, nor do you play one on television unless you actually play a coach or therapist on TV and then in that case I don’t know you’re a movie star or are you actually a therapist with a TV show? Don’t be their therapist even if you’re on a therapist on television. Okay?
Alright, everybody, this is Reid from the hot tub. Also if you have scary questions we have a hollow Halloween Facebook live going on late at night as it turns midnight and as I’m taking suggestions for Halloween costumes for the Facebook live, what do you wanna see me wearing? Keep it Facebook friendly and then you can go to https://reidaboutsex.com/scarysex I think will bring you to the opt-in page so you can leave a really scary question and we’ve gotten some like I’m gonna be working on …on the 30th late at night because there’s some amazingly deep questions and some I’m like yikes like this is gonna get its gonna get real and it’s gonna be scary. Alright, hope you’re having a great day wherever you are. Thanks for being a part of this and I’ll see you all tomorrow. Bye!