Does distance let you be the cool kid? Does enthusiasm make people withdraw?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: So this is a little bit of a vulnerable discussion about being a cool kid and how enthusiastic to be. This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Yeah!
Cathy: He’s very enthusiastic.
Reid: And very cool.
Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Playin’ it…
Cathy: So, I’ve been moved out to [inaudible 00:00:24]. I haven’t been dating for a while and I noticed that when I seem a little bit disinterested probably because I wasn’t on a date that is super exciting for me, they seem to lean forward on and if I express enthusiasm and it occurs to me that sometimes they fall back. I wanted to discuss that like,.. Why are you laughing?
Reid: No, I was…
Cathy: I’m being vulnerable this is like…
Reid: I love conversations like this. I love chiming in at conversation like this. I have the solution to everything when it comes to this. So I’m Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. We already do that? I’m trying to be enthusiastic.
Cathy: Yeah! We already did that. It’s okay. No, I may get that if you can date your species and it can be as enthusiastic as you like.
Reid: It’s not about that.
Cathy: Uh!
Reid: So what’s your question?
Cathy: I want to be genuine and self-express but I also don’t enjoy watching people that I have a good time with feel like they need to pull away. So I’ve been noticing the more distant I the more they chase me and I’m like but I don’t want you to chase me.
Reid: Yeah! What do you think is my best advice for that for all these videos that we have after 200 what else are the others?
Cathy: I think we’re actually on the 400.
Reid: 400 videos. How many is it been that long? Well I hope we served you in some way and not acknowledge too much. What do you think my advice going to be?
Cathy: It will be self —expressed.
Reid: Okay.
Cathy: Just be yourself.
Reid: But then what would be the sex geek advice on top of that. The icing on the sex geek cupcakes.
Cathy: To talk about it.
Reid: OOhhh! Boom!
Cathy: I want cupcakes now.
Reid: Yeah! Alright so here’s the deal. The solution is just to be beta about it. Which is, “Hey I want to have a conversation about something I noticed on my other date. Which is this thing. What do you think about this thing?” And then you have a conversation about it. The reason I think that that’s really useful is us trying to use our bandwidth to track body language.
Cathy: Yeah!
Reid: I think its bullshit! Now, body language is useful but body language is also… I believe I already said it bullshit because I’m now not actually being present with you. I’m tracking you and were not having a conversation on a date when we’re supposed to be trying to figure out. One, if you’re good fit for anything more, right? And the great assessment tool for that is the emotional IQ and the ability to have a conversation about things that generally get relegated to culture. In a bunch of rules of engagement for relationships that are basically creating all the drama and the bullshit anyway. So why not talk about… like just opening the Pandora’s box and be like what do you think about this like if I play hard to get you’ll going to chase me more.
Cathy: Yeah! I hate those dating writes books that says, “Oh just play it cool. I don’t want to manipulate and I don’t want to be an authentic. It was so strongly evident that the further I pull back the more they were leaning in.” That it was like…
Reid: Which probably means that they did a workshop or some sort of a business course or whatever on human communication and there’s some really cool need little dorky things that you can do to create connection but I would rather use words and concepts to create connections by deconstructing how culture is basically fucking us over.
Cathy: Over and over again.
Reid: Because then if we can have that conversation. If we start to date more and start bringing in some bad habits about relationships that we probably inherited from our parents or from culture, we’ve already established and start talking about that, “Oh my God! I’m starting to really like you and now I’m afraid all the time that this is going to go well.”
Cathy: Yeah!
Reid: And now you can pop that out and it’s not weird on the conversation. That’s just me. I’m fairly happy in my weird relationships. So it might help you with one relationship or the several people that you’re dating find somebody who’s better fit. That was just my (pop sound)
Cathy: Oh that was great! I really appreciate that. You should have a worksheet.
Reid: Then?
Cathy: You will share it
Reid: On this?
Cathy: Oh yeah!
Reid: I guess I have a worksheet.
Cathy: Very shortly.
Reid: Go to the link and download the magic words.
Cathy: And how to talk to your date about this?
Reid: Oh! Just show the video.
Cathy: That works too.
Reid: And working.
Cathy: Leave comments below and we’ve love to know what you think and what questions you have.
Reid: I’m just like do the worksheet.