How can you balance someone knowing you so well you don’t have to use your words, with being in consent and asking for what you need?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: All right. So this is the second video to the mind reading question video, because I had an insight and I apologize if I offended all you mind readers out there.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: And this is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. So, the eroticness, or the turn on of dating somebody who magically knows what you need and what you want. That, I think, is your cat, when it comes to romance.
Cathy: They’re thinking of you.
Reid: And their being able to “guess”, or read your mind and anticipate your needs lands on you as romantic and thoughtful. Then the romanticizing the fact of somebody who knows you so well can … you don’t have to use your words, they just know. Which, there’s a lot of …
Cathy: We’re taught that.
Reid: There’s a lot of methodology right?
Cathy: If they really loved us they would just know.
Reid: They would know right? Again, I’m going to burst the bubble here. If they really loved you and they watched all of these videos, they would know to role-model for you that it’s okay for you to figure out what you need, and to ask. They would role model it by figuring out what they need and asking. If and when you just happen to guess right, sometimes I don’t know that that’s what they needed, it was thoughtfulness that landed on them.
Cathy: Or luck.
Reid: Or luck. You didn’t need flowers, you’re just like, “Oh my God. How did you know I needed to feel loved?” It’s a cat thing. That was my insight on that piece around mind reading, and it’s a really hot when people are in tune with you and you drop into a connected flow. Again, I’m going to argue that when you’re in that flow there’s eight or ten things they could do that are going to feel great. Whatever one they picked your mind is like, “That’s exactly what I needed.”
Cathy: You talk about dating your species, and I think there can be people are a really good fit for what they want to give is what you want to receive, and vice versa. The idea of finding someone that’s a perfect match all the time, it doesn’t happen.
Reid: That’s fantasy. While fantasy is hot, to get angry at somebody that doesn’t meet your fantasy needs, you are not in reality.
Cathy: How come you didn’t know to bring me flowers?
Reid: Because you didn’t ask. What? Well, that’s not really romantic. Well, maybe if you asked enough times I would start to get in my thick skull, “Wow, you really like flowers.” or something else. But to get angry that they never caught on all those hints that you had about flowers.
Cathy: It doesn’t work.
Reid: No, in my opinion. It just doesn’t work. You’re going to get resentful and that’s going to back fire. That’s not what you’re actually trying to create, and sometimes by asking you realize, “Wow, even when I ask you’re horrible at this.” or “You don’t want to do that.” Then that brings up this other conversation that some people aren’t willing to change or grow, or maybe you’re in the wrong relationship. I do think on a very subconscious level sometimes we don’t speak up because we’re afraid of removing all the excuses and that we might actually have to get real and realize that we’re in the wrong relationship or whatever, and yadda yadda yadda.
Cathy: It’s also important, like you said, about digging down to what’s the need underneath. If you need your partner to bring flowers, and that is not just gifts or whatever is not hit that person’s expression. If you need to feel loved, how else could you feel loved? There might be ways that feel really natural for that person to express it.
Reid: Reading the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman really helpful and useful and just getting very clear, what are the needs you’re trying to get met. Is it really about flowers? If it’s really about flowers then buy flowers.
Cathy: Or date a florist?
Reid: Or date a florist. Boom! Problem solved. That’s great.
Cathy: They’re going to go back in there …
Reid: I’m leaving you for a florist. That’s the thing, we can joke about it because when you get right down to it, what’s actually bothering you, and can you have that conversations in your relationships? Which, again, if you’re expecting the other person to know what’s bothering you…
Cathy: It doesn’t work.
Reid: … because they are mind readers? It’s just not working.
Cathy: If you want your life to feel more beautiful because you want more flowers around, you can buy them for yourself, or find a friend that loves to exchange them too. If that’s not …
Reid: Make friends with the florist.
Cathy: Yeah. Make friends with the florist.
Reid: Again, she’s using flowers as an example. We’re both being a little bit jack-assey around this. Relationship10x.com had some free relationship videos that can be really helpful. It’s one of my projects, so check that out and leave some comments below. I didn’t want to … I kind of poo-poo’d on the other video, like “mind-reading” and again, I know everyone has lots of different beliefs and what not, but when you look at it from what actually makes relationships work, and what most people’s skill sets are, regardless of whether you believe in mind reading or not, finding words and self-awareness and being able to communicate, that just builds better relationships. Then you can add whatever other belief systems you want on top of that.
Cathy: Thank you.
Reid: Awesome. Comments. Bye.