Not Climaxing With Your Partner? How Do You Feel Satisfied Anyway?

by Reid on September 20, 2017

Young beautiful couple sleeping in bedWhat do you need to feel satisfied, if you don’t come?

With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Fresh off the press, someone said in a question- 

Reid: There’s a press? We have a press? This is amazing. What’s the question? 

Cathy: They said, “For a woman who haven’t figured out how to climax with a partner, do you have any recommendations for her to feel more chemically satisfied after sexual encounters?” This is Reid Mahalko from ReidAboutSex.com. 

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. What’s your answer? 

Cathy: First I think I would find out what you need. Are you not cumming because you need to stimulate yourself afterwards? What about asking him or her to hold you while you take care of that because that can be pretty hot for both people. 

Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative). 

Cathy: That might be a way to feel very chemically satisfied. Also figure out what you need, everyone’s a little different. Some people like to be held, some people want to laugh, some people want to take a nap. Figuring out what you need to feel good about yourself, to feel loved and satisfied and complete, that’s something that’s important. I think if you know your love languages, asking for that. If you’re a words of appreciation person, having someone say, “Wow – that blowjob was just amazing,” could feel really good. That kind of thing. Maybe you want your feet rubbed if you’re not orgasming with that person yet. There’s not a hard and fast rule, do the xyz. Everybody’s a little different. 

Reid: Yeah I guess I’m thinking of a bunch of different ways of what the actual question means. By chemical satisfaction, do you mean the way you feel after you have an orgasm? Because you could have a quickie, not cum, and still feel really satisfied. What’s the satisfaction part? 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: Your suggestion, get off in another way but stay connected which again might, depending on the partner- 

Cathy: If you feel comfortable. 

Reid: Might get them in a whole thing because now they can’t make you cum, whatever that is. Yeah I would get really clear about what it is you’re looking for specifically because I think people equate connection and the feel good feelings of being connected and having intimacy shared and they don’t take that and separate it from this is what it feels like after I cum. 

Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative). 

Reid: Then you’re also dealing with the chemical disappointment of not having the sex go the way that you want which can take away from the satisfaction that you might have felt if you weren’t in your head about not getting off. It sounds like it’s a simple question but it could also be a really complex question. I would get clear about the different things that make the recipe that is the cake of satisfaction. 

Cathy: Yeah. You might try tracking your energy too. I know that sometimes when I haven’t been able to orgasm, when I’m with someone new I can be really shy, it might be harder for me. There can be like an energetic pressure like all this pressure’s gathered and there’s no place to go. So consciously directing it out your feet or letting it go out the ethers, being mindful and intentional with your energy might help. 

Reid: Yeah. This is a good question. Whoever wrote this question, good job. Because it could also be that you’re feeling dissatisfied. 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: Because you’re just tense. Like the blue balls or blue clit effect is now ruining the … Because you have the orgasm and that’s not there. It not being there is what’s satisfying. I would really geek out and try to figure out exactly what’s going on and what are the ingredients to that whole recipe of what satisfied would be and then ask yourself what would satisfaction or chemical satisfaction feel like if you knew you didn’t have “eggs”, no orgasm, horrible analogy, but you had to bake a cake, you know a cakeless way flourless cake, 

Cathy: Gluten free. 

Reid: Gluten free cake. Yes gluten free! And the orgasm free chemical satisfaction would be created by doing this. Then you can add in the gluten or what not. This is good, I like the gluten free, orgasm free. 

Cathy: Yeah. For people that are coming from sexual trauma, they actually recommend trying to connect without orgasms, at least being the intention. 

Reid: Mm-hmm (affirmative). 

Cathy: Maybe even saying to your partner, “I’d like to connect for an hour and not have orgasm be on the table for either of us so we can both figure out how we might feel.” Because knowing that you can take that off the table and change your mind about how far you continue, that’s really powerful. 

Reid: Yeah, taking orgasm off the table and re-calibrating what successful sex means without orgasm can be just useful in general. 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: I would recommend that you all explore that. 

Cathy: Yes. 

Reid: What do you think? Leave comments below.

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