Is It Ok For Her To Be Angry If I Don’t Ejaculate?

by Reid on January 18, 2021

Is It Ok For Her To Be Angry If I Don’t Ejaculate?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Find out more with Reid Mihalko from http://www.ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from http://www.TheIntimacyDojo.com.

 

Cathy: [Laughing]

Reid: I’m still fuming from the last video.

Cathy: The Netflix

Reid: The Netflix. Allison watched The Punisher’s first episode for the second season without me. Mm-hmm and then she and then she texted me to tell me that it was you know like she was watching it for us to see if it was gonna be fun for us to watch.

Cathy: I’m sacrificing us…me

Reid: U-huh, u-huh

Cathy: for us, honey.

Reid: I’m fuming… I’m fuming not really…but really. Alright, what’s the question today Cathy Vartuli from http://theintimacydojo.com/?

Cathy: So someone wrote in and said it’s…this may be a silly question but

Reid: Netflix ruins relationships.

Cathy: I’m here with Reid Mihalko from http://reidaboutsex.com/  and someone wrote in and said “This may seem like a silly question but I had a partner who got angry with me for not ejaculating.” I believe this is a penis owner… “for not ejaculating even though she had several orgasms. It didn’t make our subsequent playtime stress-free for a little while. Do you have any suggestions for how I can talk to her?”

Reid: Uh, yeah this is a great question.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: So bigger picture, culture tells us that we’re doing good at sex when everyone cums and ejaculation is a is a choice, it is not a requirement, orgasm is a choice not a requirement you can go down the nerdy rabbit hole of there’s a difference between ejaculation and orgasm

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: not for this video. So what is really interesting in in a similar way with penis owners is like you know how people take it personally when their lover can’t get it up.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: Right? And again like

Cathy: Well, we…we take it into identity “Oh, I’m not sexy enough, he doesn’t want me…”

Reid: “I’m doing a bad job, they don’t like me”

Cathy: “They don’t want me”

Reid: “I suck at blowjobs” pun intended. So this idea of “Oh, something’s wrong with me.”

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And that gets applied to other kinds of sex and this is like irregardless of gender like when I sleep with men, if they can’t get it up I still feel like I’m doing a bad job and I know this stuff. So same thing applies to ejaculation we can feel pleasure, we can have a great time whether our cock is hard or not.

Cathy: Right

Reid: You can have a great time whether we ejaculate or not and in similar situations if we’re talking with vulva owners, I would start with this idea of like “Hey, you know like I can’t always cum when I want to just like some of my female friends, my…my vulva owner friends, trans or whatever like sometimes they can’t cum.”

Cathy: Yeah

Reid:  It’s like that for dudes too. I’m…you know I’m sorry or if it’s in convince you because you love seeing somebody cum but you know I would like to create space that that’s okay

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: if it happens or if it doesn’t happen.

Cathy: I think it takes a lot of pressure off when I feel like I have to or my partner so there’s I can feel kind of their intention like “I really want to make you cum” and I’m like “Uh” and I feel…it…it doesn’t make me feel like we’re in the moment and exploring, it means it kind of feels like an agenda unless I’m already really close to cumming and then it’s kind of playful but

Reid: And it and negotiated agendas

Cathy: That’s fine

Reid: can be hot.

Cathy: Yeah. So, I think just you know just talking about just like bringing it up or watching this video with with this person and saying “Hey, there are these cookie people and he has interesting hair today.

Reid: Yeah, I always have interesting hair. Today is really interesting. You know what it is? So here’s the deal, if if somebody is showing you this video and you’re sitting next to them and you can be like, “Are you trying to tell me something?”

Cathy: [Laughing]

Reid: Um, I love that we have resources out there to get these conversations started.

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: And working on building relationships even casual hookups where you can talk about these things to get them out of your head

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: and you’re role modeling for other people to get the things they need out of their head and you know the the worst case scenario is that talking about it ruins everything, right? Ruins which I think means you’ve saved yourself some headache from things getting really weird ‘coz we live in a society now, we’re not talking about things over time is what makes things so unhealthy.

Cathy: Yeah and I would invite you to you know for yourself and the other person kind of discuss what it means when someone cums. If someone ejaculates or orgasms, what are we making it mean about ourselves? I know there for me there’s kind of like a I think I’m gonna culturated still like even though I’ve worked on this a lot but there’s like kind of a checkbox like “Oh, I did a decent job this is evidence that I that I’ve completed my mission for the day and I’m a decent person for the next five minutes or whatever.” If once you start articulating what that belief is, it starts to get kind of silly it’s just like “Oh, that doesn’t actually mean anything it just means that person ejaculated or that person orgasmed and…

Reid: Yeah, it’s silly and people put a lot of meaning on things.

Cathy: They do but when we start articulating it and getting out of

Reid: Or you start to…to

Cathy: the subconscious

Reid: to take away a lot of its power

Cathy: Yeah

Reid: that has in your head.

Cathy: Yeah. So I would encourage you just to talk to her and show her this video if you dare.

Reid: Yeah, if you dare. And again like that you’re even trying to talk about stuff

Cathy: Is great

Reid:  that you’re even present to what you’re feeling weird about like that’s a kind of emotional literacy and communication ability that is not rampant in society unfortunately and you know keep breathing, use the Difficult Conversation Formula to…to map things out for you and go to http://reidaboutsex.com/convo C.O.N.V.O  and again good luck and thank you for…for being somebody one who would ask questions and give us excuses to pontificate but also like that you’re even thinking about this stuff, that you even watching these videos means you’re pretty awesome.

Cathy: Yeah, thanks very much. Please leave comments below.

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