If You Go Down On Someone, Do You Have To Go Until They Finish?

by Reid on September 23, 2017

Sexy young couple playing in love games in a bedroom.If you give someone a blow job or cunnilingus, are you stuck doing it until they come?

Learn more from Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.

Cathy: Someone wrote in and said, “If you start a blow job or cunnilingus, don’t you have to finish?” Like, when we’re talking about how you could say you we’re done with stuff. They’re like, “Don’t you have to finish, wait, go until they cum?”

This is Reid Mihalko, from ReidAboutSex.com. 

Reid: Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. Only on their birthdays. 

Cathy: Oh. 

Reid: Only, that’s the only rule. 

Cathy: Even on their birthdays you don’t have to. 

Reid: Really? 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: I thought that was a rule. 

Cathy: No. 

Reid: Oh my goodness. You mean it’s not a rule? 

Cathy: No. 

Reid: You can stop doing anything, whenever. Unless you’re an EMT and you’re trying to resuscitate someone. 

Cathy: Yeah, legally you’re not allowed to. 

Reid: That’s a whole different thing. 

Cathy: So don’t start if you’re not going to- 

Reid: Yeah, so CPR, there’s a rule if you’re an EMT. If you’re an EMT watching this, please confirm that that is correct. We may be completely wrong.

However, the thing that we are right about is that there is no fast and ‘hard’ rule- 

Cathy: Oh! Oh! Sorry guys. 

Reid: One of the reasons I’m being a jackass right now, is I do want to model that we can laugh about this, because we’re culturally taught the misinformation that, finish what you started. Van Halen wrote an entire song about this. Thank you Sammy Hagar.

The way you do it is just basically, you would come up and be like, “Hey, guess what? I think I’m done.” You may not be done, but I would like to move on to something else? Or could we try something else?” Or “Hey, my jaw is hurting. Or my tongue is tired.” Just being frank and honest with people, and letting them know where you’re at, which also includes even if you’re having intercourse, or any kind of sex, that like, “Hey, you know what, I kind of, my mood shifted and I’m kind of not in the mood right now. If we took this off the table, like what else sounds like fun, or how else can we connect or stay connected?” You can also just call a timeout. 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: Check in with each other. The big advice from my perspective is you make it less weird, the less weird you are about it. 

Cathy: Mm-hmm (affirmative). 

Reid: Which means speaking up and being like hey, even if you’re embarrassed, like “Hey, I’m kind of embarrassed, but my mood’s really shifted and I don’t want to be doing what we’re doing right now, so can we do something else?” 

Cathy: Yeah. I grew up with this kind of concept that if you started something, and I think it was perpetuated by some of the teenage boys that I was around, like no you have to finish, of course you have to finish. Because they had an agenda. I think to a certain extent that they were taught that socially as well. But that disempowers people. If you can’t control yourself, if you can’t stop having sex, it’s not safe to have sex. 

Reid: Yeah, sex is supposed to be a get to, not a have to. 

Cathy: Even part way through, even in the middle of intercourse, even the moment before someone orgasms, you can stop. 

Reid: It makes for better sex in the long run, and when you build that into the play time that you have with folks, and date people or partner with people who are like, maybe you were disappointed, or like I was really hoping you’d finish. But we’re grown-ups enough that we can be like, oh, okay. Let’s honor that, because it just makes for better sex later. 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: You’re role modeling that you can communicate changing your mind, no matter what’s going on, and that everyone can handle their own disappointment or their own frustration. 

Cathy: Yeah. 

Reid: You can say, like “I don’t want to finish this blow job. Can I hold you while you jerk yourself off?” Or whatever that is. There’s always, kind of like with improv comedy, and sex is a funny thing, there’s always a yes and, not an either or. The and can include I would like to stop everything, and let’s continue watching “Game of Thrones.” 

Cathy: I found that actually when I felt like I had to finish whatever I started, I’m kind of locked in, I immediately stopped enjoying it so much and I was less willing to try new things. Because like, if I tried it and hated it, I had to finish. Whereas when I could like give someone a blowjob for a couple minutes, and if my mouth got tired or I just wasn’t in the mood for that, give a hand job or say, “Hey, I don’t want to do that anymore,” it let me be more playful. Sometimes I could give a hand job or a little while and then get turned on again and want to go back down. Not being locked into, as soon as I get my mouth down there, I’m supposed to do something until someone squirts or cums, can give you a lot of freedom. 

Reid: What do you think? Leave your comments below. Is culture having its way with you now?

I kind of look like I was pointing at my crotch. 

Cathy: Yeah.

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