Hiding Your Vibrator From Your Partner? How Can You Share?

by Reid on March 15, 2017

family, age, tourism, travel and people concept - senior coupleSneaking around to have orgasms and afraid to tell your partner about your vibrator? What can you do?

Find out with Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com

Cathy: One our readers wrote in and said, “I’m 71 years old and I’ve never had an orgasm without a vibrator. I’m really embarrassed about my partner finding out, but I’m tired of just being able to sneak into the bathroom afterwards and taking care of business. Is there any way I can very gently talk to him about this without hurting his feelings?” This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com. 

Reid: This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com. It is a great question. It is what the difficult conversation formula was made for. I guess not knowing your situation like if you guys have been together for a long, long time and it’s been like a decade that you’ve never revealed this … 

Cathy: Or five decades. 

Reid: Five decades. I could see where this would be … Anybody hiding something from me for 20 years would feel weird. 

Cathy: That was also what women were taught to do, for the most part, for a long time. It’s understandable on both sides. 

Reid: Oh, absolutely. Just knowing that it’s okay for your partner to have a reaction to you revealing and being honest and truthful, and that their reaction is a reaction of surprise, and that they just have feelings that maybe they thought they knew what was going on and now they have confirmation that they didn’t know. It could also be that you share and they’re like, “Yeah, I figured that that was the case.” Maybe they’re not super bothered by it or bothered at all, but you don’t know until you actually start having the conversation. Any advice? 

Cathy: Well, I definitely think talking about it is really important, but there could be ways to pre-pave the way. Maybe invite him to watch some few of these videos so that you have some language and that you’ve started talking about sex. Just talking about sex in some relationships is really challenging. To talk about something that’s that personal and that challenging for the relationship that is sexual all at once could be a lot. Not to withhold longer but to actually … “I’d like to watch some videos where people are talking about this stuff and maybe trying it,” and giving a couple weeks to let the language develop and the comfort around the topic develop and then saying, “Hey, I’d like to have this conversation with you and I’d like to see what we can do.” 

Reid: Don’t just leave this video open on your web browser with a post-it note that says, “Honey, watch this.” Don’t do that. Again, like baby steps towards having this conversation so that you just don’t surprise people. I think also what can be really useful is put yourself in each other’s shoes and what would it be like for you if your partner of however many years, or months or weeks came to you with something that they’d been withholding for a long time, just so that you can walk a little bit in their shoes.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where orgasm is super important and for cisgendered male masculinity it’s still kind of being taught that we’re not doing a good job if we don’t get you off kind of situation. There’s a lot of cultural messaging and stakes in all of this. Recognize it might be a difficult conversation. Because people are having upset or surprise doesn’t mean that they don’t love you and it doesn’t mean that you guys can’t work through it. 

Cathy: Yeah. I really love that you’re willing to look at this and ask questions because the communication you could have could make a really big difference in how you feel about each other and how you feel about making love. 

Reid: The other thing, too, is at some point talk about what it would be like to bring toys into bed with you both so that you’re not having to sneak off into the bathroom to get off after sex, but the possibility of your partner using toys with you, on you or holding you while everyone finishes up. 

Cathy: It can be really fun. 

Reid: Yeah, it can be really fun. It can be really intimate and vulnerable and also really normalizing. It takes the pressure off of everybody. It’s really about pleasure and not so much about “Performance” with a capital “P”. 

Cathy: I love that. Thank you.

Reid: Leave some comments below. What do you think? Hit subscribe.

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