How do you deal with people flirting with your partner right in front of you?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: What do you do when somebody hits on your boyfriend, girlfriend, your husband, or your wife? This is Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: This is Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: Oh yeah, time to throw down. No.
Cathy: Well, it can be very uncomfortable, especially if you’re right there, like what’s happening? If you’re in a monogamous relationship.
Reid: Right here, like this.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: I can’t believe you’re hitting on my, like I’m right here dude.
Cathy: If you’re in a monogamous relationship, or even if you’re in a poly-relationship, it’s nice to be part of the conversation or not ignored when that’s happening. It is also nice if your partner kind of acknowledges you as well if that’s happening.
Reid: Well, like, just hey, noticed you were hitting on my girlfriend, got a little bit of that for me? Can you share some of that chocolate goodness? Flirty, flirty, flirty that velvety honey flirtness. Hi, I have high inclusion needs and I was just wondering if you’d hit on me too. That’s what I would say. This is my advice, first, have a conversation with your partner, like how do you want to deal with if other people hit on us?
Get that figured out between the two of you, so that you know what your needs are as a couple or as people dating. Because then it might just be that you guys are both okay, and feel trusting or strong in your relationship, so somebody else showering attention on your partner, it’s just like, oh that’s kind of cool, because I’m into my partner. They’re hot, and look, this other person finds them hot. It’s actually, there’s nothing to do, because it’s just people hitting.
Cathy: If you know your relationship boundaries, if you’ve included mild flirtation in that, it’s okay if they flirt.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: If you haven’t, then they should probably say, no I’m sorry, I’m in a relationship.
Reid: Well, understand that even in poly-amorous and non-monogamous relationships, there, you can have agreements where like, yeah, we’re in an open relationship, but like you hitting on my partner just isn’t cool. Like, you need to go through proper channels if you’d like to see her or him. There’s things that you can do, but it needs to kind of grow out of what’s comfortable for you guys, because it may be that there’s nothing to do. It may be that you just go up to your partner after the hitting on and say hey, can you just reassure me, because you know I get weird when people hit on you.
Cathy: Or your agreement might be that your partner says something, oh I’m sorry, it occurs that you’re flirting with me, I am in a relationship.
Reid: Yeah, I appreciate the attention and I’m in a relationship and my jealous partner will kill you if you do it. No, not like that, but be like, and we appreciate it but you know, I’m not available for further flirting because I’m in a relationship. Those kind of things where you’re just kind of stating your boundary and taking care of the things that you need to take care of in your relationship is really the peace. How you guys enjoy, encourage or politely shut down and graciously say thank you to attention, is a really good situation, a really good topic for you guys to discuss.
Cathy: If your partner’s not interested in supporting your relationship boundaries, if they’re not, if they agreed yes, we’re not going to be with anyone else and I won’t flirt with anyone else and then they still do, that’s a time to have a little more difficult conversation, go a little bit deeper and I encourage you to look at your relationship intentions.
Reid: Yeah, and we have a video on that. This is also, get really clear and define if you guys can, what flirting means to you, what your intentions in flirting are and what hitting on looks like, if you can. Because sometimes people are just being friendly and playful and it’s not, it might occur to you like flirting, but then to your partner, they’re like, that wasn’t flirting, flirting is like if my tongue is like punching bagging their uvula. That’s flirting, and you’re like no, you guys were like looking at each other and you’re like we were talking.
Get clear about what flirting means to you, each. What hitting on looks like and then what your needs are. That conversation is worth while no matter if you’re just starting to date, or if you’ve been together for 20 years. Leave your comments. What does flirting look like to you?
Cathy: Yeah. Talk to you soon.