What is your friendship style? Why do you want to have friends? And what do you require for friendship?
With Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Cathy, will you be my friend forever?
Cathy: For ever and ever?
Reid: Why? Why be friends? That’s what we’re talking about today, with Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Cathy: And Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Reid: A lot of people are still operating friendships like they were doing it back in the fourth grade or at summer camp and you’re just like, oh my God, we have to be best friends forever. Have you ever really sat down and actually thought, what are your requirements for friendships? Why be friends with anybody? What is a healthy friendship for you actually mean?
Cathy: It’s really powerful when you’re conscious about it, and you get to have friendships for different reasons. I have movie buddies. We don’t really hang out very much, but we like the same kind of movies and we like to go at the same times. I call them up and I say like, the Hobbit’s coming out in a couple weeks, can we reserve Saturday night? Sure. We have a great time. I have other friends that I want to have really deep conversations with. You get to have friendships for different reasons, but just falling into a deep friendship with someone without knowing why, it’s harder to know when to step out and it’s hard to know when to set boundaries.
Reid: Another really interesting thing, because I teach about non-monogamy relationship styles, I actually think there’s also a friendship style. You can be somebody who operates best when you have that one primary best friend forever. Then you can be the kind of person who’s like, you know what, when the pack and I together, that’s when everything’s good, when we’re rolling large. Then you can be somebody who’s, you know, got friends coming in and out of them, you’re like a plutonium atom and there’s all these electrons of friends just coming in and out of your life.
Then of course, you can also be the lone wolf. You’re a pack animal but you need you alone time. We’re friends when we’re together, but we’re [inaudible 00:01:57] friend until next time. Then you may not feel like I’m your best friend, but for me, I feel like everything’s great. Are you, as you get clear about what your needs are around friendship, are your friendship styles, are you befriending people for whom your style of friendship is a good match for theirs?
Cathy: Yeah. Very powerful. I’m someone who likes to have a few close friends, and then a bunch of other people that I care about and turn to. I’m happiest when I have a couple people that are really close to me. If one of those people doesn’t want to be in my inner circle, that can be hard.
Reid: This could describe things about us.
Cathy: It could describe a lot.
Reid: A lot of tension. I think we just helped ourselves with our own video. Thank you so much, those of you writing in these questions, so that we have more to talk about. We hope these videos are useful for you. Subscribe to our channel maybe, maybe not. If you don’t subscribe, that means you’re not a friend.