Who is the Blowjob For? 🤔
One of the sneakiest, sexiest questions you can ask about a blowjob is:
Who is this for? 👅
“Who is it for?” is a game-changing question that comes from Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent framework. Betty’s life’s work expands touch beyond the simple Giving/Receiving we were all raised with. It adds dimensions and considerations like Doing and Done To, which opens up ideas like Taking/Allowing and Serving/Accepting, and which directions the “Gift” and “Action” flow.
If you delight in the #BrainSex 🧠💦 — allow me to assure you the Wheel of Consent is a nerdily delicious feast for us Sex Geeks!
Check out Betty’s website and consider taking any of her trainings. Betty rocks. Hard.
I’ll keep it fairly simple for this port, but Betty’s work goes deeeeeeeep and has helped tens of thousands of adults up their conscious touch skills by unlocking the differences between who is doing the touch and who the touch is for.
Who is taking, who is allowing (as well as serving and accepting)… And in which direction the “gift” travels… In this case, the gift of the blowjob. 🍌
Why all the fuss? Why is this so important?
This is important because, if both partners are in gift-giving mode, no one “gets” the gift. 🎁 😭
[For example, while this post will focus on fellatio, imagine both partners giving the gift of cunnillingus 🦪 — I’m giving by going down on you, and you are giving by letting me go down on you… With both people giving, no one actually gets to truly enjoy receiving.]
Who is this for? becomes a game changer that can radically transform one’s ability to give and receive mind-blowing, out-of-this-world oral. 🤯🤯🤯
Radical skill-shifts like these are exactly the kind of things I love covering when teaching my Grad School workshops. They’re called Grad School because we dive into the nuanced, high-value skills that never get covered in a 101 class because there just isn’t enough time.
Don’t get me wrong, I want all of us to take 101 classes. We need the basics. But what lies beyond the basics… 👀 THIS is what I’ll be covering in my upcoming Blowjob Grad School class happening NEXT week on Zoom.
And who doesn’t want to get their PhD in pleasuring the D, right? 🎓 #SexGeekAlumniPowersActivate 🙌
If you can’t make the call, then get a ticket to watch the replay. But whether you do or don’t, here are 3 “Who Is This For?” Tips you can FWD to a friend or loved one to kick off the nerdy, oral study group you deserve! Enjoy! 👅 💦
3 0ral “Who Is This For?” Tips YOU Can Play With
1. When the bl0wjob is for the giver…
Yep. Sometimes, one of the hottest things for the person receiving the blwjob is feeling that the giver is really into it. Like… deliciously, palpably, selfishly, losing-themselves-in-their-own-pleasure into it.
Not “performing.”
Not “trying to do it right.”
Not “I hope this is what you want.”
The giver is doing the things that make their mouth feel good. Their hands feel good. Their body feel turned on. And isn’t afraid to SHOW IT.
This can be wildly hot for the receiver. 🔥
Why? Because (and I share this as blowjob-receiver who struggles with receiving myself), a giver getting swept up in their own turn-on and pleasure while giving head allows us receivers to stop worrying… “Do they really want to be down there?” “Are they doing this just to please me?” “Is this taking too long?”
As our minds quiet and the worrying falls away, we get to surrender into allowing. Not performing. Not managing. Not tracking. Not trying to help. Just letting someone take their pleasure from our body as we allow them the gift of truly enjoying themselves. Like I said, hawt.
2. When the bl0wjob is for the receiver…
Tip #2 covers the Serve/Accept pie pieces of the Wheel of Consent — what are more commonly thought of as “giving” and “receiving.”
If the touch/action (gift) is for the person getting the blowjob, can they practice actively accepting, instead of just passively allowing?
Can the receiver be more vocal? Can they be “greedy” and ask for what would make the blowjob even better? Can the receiver take charge and give direction and feedback? “Ohhh, just like that,” or “slower,” or “more pressure,” or “don’t stop what you’re doing with your tongue!”
A lot of people (myself included!) are not actually good at taking their pleasure while accepting/receiving. It can feel like an impossible Zen riddle: How does one take while receiving? And it can kick up all sorts of shame and other feelings.
It can feel like we’re taking too much. That we’re being greedy and inconsiderate of the other person, so we shut down and stop things.
But trust me, it’s worth practicing and getting better at accepting, at exercising and leaning into your “greedy muscles” when your partner is a yes to such exploration.
Because YOU accepting your pleasure greedily is a GIFT that keeps on giving! Remember how hot it was when the person going down on you got lost in the pleasure of taking and was deliciously greedy about it?
Flip that scenario… The receiver is really getting into it, is being greedy in that sexy, healthy, delicious way, and REALLY asking for what they want (what they know works for their body!), and now THEY are getting lost in the receiving and SO TURNED ON… That can be incredibly hot for the person giving the bl0wjob, too.
Watching somebody feel good because of what you’re doing to them… Having your partner tell you exactly how to rock their socks off… And then you rock their socks off! YeeOwza! 🥵🥵🥵
3. When the bl0wjob is for “the Head” itself…
True Factoid: The main melody in a jazz performance, which the band plays at the beginning and end and uses as the foundation for improvisation, THAT is called “the Head.” I’m not making this up.
And maybe I’m getting a little TOO GEEKY here, but in my experience giving and receiving head… The real magic happens when giving/receiving and serving/accepting start blurring and dancing together like… Like jazz… 🎶
Sometimes the blowjob starts as, “I want to enjoy your body…”
Then it becomes, “Oh wow, you liking this so much is really turning me on…”
And you getting turned on fuels the turn on for the other person…
And given enough time… It all starts to build… Until something else starts to reveal itself… THAT’s when the music and the sparks start flowing…
And the seggs turns into this beautiful, back-and-forth feedback loop where giving and receiving and serving and allowing starts feeding into and off each other, start riffing off the other… Everything merges… The moans and grinding, the panting and pawing, the squirming and squealing… They all blur together…
That’s what makes the jazz of oral so delicious… Taking… Allowing… Serving… Accepting… And the question “Who is it for?” falls away…
The melody of our bodies dancing together becomes, “I’m turned on because you’re turned on because I’m turned on…”
GREAT oral isn’t meant to stay just giving or receiving… GREAT Head is emergent… Like jazz.
🎶 That’s the jazz of GREAT sex! 🎶 Can you dig it? 😎
If ideas like great oral being emergent is exciting to you, then you should know that I’ll be covering much more next week on Zoom during my Blowjob Grad School workshop.
We’ll dive into deeper, more nuanced, real-world stuff about the biomechanics of using pressure and weight to pleasure the penis, how to get off on going down, what the Flying Squirrel and the Flippity-Flop techniques are, plus communication, confidence, and other techniques that there never seems to be enough time to get to in a beginner’s 101 class.
If you’d like to join me for the full workshop, click the pink button below so you can grab the details and register for the Zoom call AND the replay access… The replay will be available for 7-days after the Zoom call to all ticket holders, so grab your ticket now before you forget!
If this post made you think of a friend who’d love a smarter, hotter, more thoughtful way to think about and approach oral, feel free to forward this along so we can all make better music together!
Enough with the jazz analogies and silly GIFs… Which I hope brought a smile and some new ideas to you today!
Your Head Professor… (See what I did there!)
REiD
P.S. One of the sexiest things in the world is not “doing it perfectly.” It’s paying attention to who the pleasure is for, and being honest and in the moment about it. You got this, Sex Geek!