Dealing with Vaginal Shame, or care about someone who is? A frank discussion about sexual shame and how to reconnect with your vagina and how to help others feel more self-love.
Join relationship expert Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com and Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com as Reid shares his Safer Sex Elevator Speech.
Cathy: Hi I’m Cathy Vartuli from TheIntimacyDojo.com.
Reid: Reid Mihalko from ReidAboutSex.com.
Cathy: We’re talking about vaginal shame.
Reid: In this video, I will not make fun of and be a jackass.
Cathy: That’s nice of you.
Reid: Because culture has totally screwed it up for people. Now there are things like vaginal plastic surgery.
Cathy: Yeah. It’s getting more and more popular.
Reid: Vaginoplasty.
Cathy: Yeah. It’s getting more and more popular.
Reid: While I am very pro body modification, for people who like expressing themselves like that. I have no problems with tattoos, piercings …
Cathy: But to change something that’s natural, to try to fit a conventional norm that isn’t really a norm.
Reid: I’m going to draw the line for myself, personally and I’ve had conversations with other sex educators about this. I would like to draw the line at any type of elective surgery where you are removing parts of you that are filled with pleasure feeling nerves, I’m going to say it’s a bad idea.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: We’re all unique snowflakes, I think every vulva and every vagina is beautiful, vulva technically. The outside vagina, inside … Anything that you’re packing is probably awesome to me because you’re letting me touch it, or lick it, or stick things in it. I am so happy that you’re even giving me the time of day, let alone letting me touch your genitalia. I want you to have as much feel good stuff down there as you can so that I can create more sensation for you.
Cathy: A lot of women, for myself I have an abuse history and I have a huge amount of shame. I was afraid I’d smell bad, or wasn’t formed well, or didn’t look right. As a coach I’ve worked with a lot of people that have this too. Where they are totally afraid that they don’t smell right or they’re not okay. I noticed that if I’m with someone new, some of that old stuff will come up. If you’re with someone cool, you can share with them that “Hey, I have some issues. Some old stuff in the past and I’m feeling insecure, can you tell me if you like what you’re seeing” and get some reassurance.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: “This feels really good, or I’m afraid I smell bad or don’t taste good. Could you tell me what your experiencing.” That can really calm, because if you’re more present. If you’re stuck in your head going, “Oh my God! Maybe he’s suffering down there, or she’s suffering down there.”
Reid: I’ve never suffered.
Cathy: You’re not really enjoying what they’re doing.
Reid: Yeah.
Cathy: And it’s sad, because it’s really amazing.
Reid: What’s going on in your head is actually taking away from your ability to feel pleasure.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Which, for me, as somebody who likes to be down there. I want to help you get out of your head, so that you can feel more pleasure so that I can feel like I’m rocking your world more because that makes me feel like a stud. Interesting thing there is, compliment people, be like “Oh my … Any time somebody drops trou in front of you be like “Oh my God! That’s awesome.”
Cathy: Well, it kind of is. It’s this amazing playground. When we get out of the cultural … I just think women in general are taught to be ashamed of their vaginas. That they’re just like, “It’s dirty, don’t touch.” You need to use Vagisil, or cover up the smell. There’s a lot of stuff going on there, and we do have shame often in that area of our body. Then when someone goes to touch us, for me I know, I was like “Am I doing this personal disservice, am I bringing them something that’s less than beautiful?” That got in the way of the connection. Once I started letting that go, or just voicing it so we both knew it was out there. It kind of got out of my head and I started to be more and more present.
Reid: That goes for the penis-owners out there in the audience as well. That goes for you too. Tell people like “I’m self-conscious about my penis-size.” Which can go both ways. I know people who are like humongous and that fucks with their heads too.
Cathy: Yeah.
Reid: Again, tell people what you’re insecure about. If they use it against you, do not date these people-they need therapy. Be vulnerable because you’re role modeling that they can open up for you too about what’s going on for them. That stuff, while edgy, will usually lead to better sex regardless of what you’re actually packing. For me, as a sex geek and as a slut, somebody who sleeps with a lot of people, I just love bodies like, “Oh my God! They’re so different, they’re so interesting, they’re so amazing. How can I make you feel better?”
Cathy: Yeah. For those of you that … Well, whether you’re a slut or not, if you want to see … Looking at books, there’s some beautiful books and online websites where you can go and see a lot of different vaginas and a lot of different penises. It’s really beautiful, I was fascinated because I had no idea there was such variety because porn usually shows a specific type of vagina. I was like “Oh my God! They’re all … They’re beautiful, they’re like flowers and they’re totally different.” So just normalizing that for yourself and spending a little time with a mirror, looking at yourself from different angles. It’s a beautiful way to start connecting with yourself.
Reid: Awesome. We hope this video was helpful and not too triggering and fun.
Cathy: Yeah. Leave comments below; let us know what you think.
Reid: Bye.