Sleep and Sex Are Sacred | The Slutty Homeowner | The Mystery Box

by Reid on March 31, 2021

Sleep and Sex Are Sacred | The Slutty Homeowner | The Mystery BoxThe Bawdy Storytelling marquee logo and banner from the website




Reid: Uh…Uuhh…Mm…mmm…mmm…mmm…haaa…haaa…haaaaah…haaaaaaaaah!!!

Honey, could you hear that?

Just barely.

This will be my office then.

[People laughing]

Not every new homeowner takes their office by walking around with their partner making orgasm sounds to see which room cannot be heard from the master bedroom. Allison Moon for those of you who have heard of Girl Sex 101 which is the book that she authored and has won awards is my primary partner; we’ve been together for ten years in a slutty polyamorous queer relationship. The first time we ever had sex was in a fivesome at Burning Man perhaps that’s your story too and we would move to Oakland. Her from…from L.A., me from Manhattan in New York City we’re like “Let’s go live together.” “Excellent! Where should we live?” Well, she was like “Someplace very…very queer” and I’m like “That sounds great.” And we picked on the East Bay and we eventually found a place in…in Oakland and we called it Fruitopia and it was a big loft for those of you old enough to remember Flashdance the movie was like that big loft and with the exception of just a lot of soldering a lot of hot…hot soldering of metal with helmets on. We had this great loft with this amazing bathtub and all this like beautiful lights and it was like “This will be our Shangri-La. We will throw orgies here, we will run workshops here” and it had a stage and I walked in like “How the fuck? How the fuck did you find the loft, the Flashdance like loft? I, me the person who came of age in the 80’s. I’m like how…how is this possible? We have the stage, I can take work…I can teach workshops here, we can have orgies” and there’s a stage for the orgies and Allison like she’s like, “This will be good for us.” And I’m like “Yeah, yes this will be good for us.” And many orgies were thrown.

And in Oakland lore, Fruitopia is legendary it was a place where a lot of queers lived. We named it Fruitopia because it was next to the Fruitvale Bart stop so it was easy to remember which you stopped to get off of.  And…and our Superintendent the person who ran the building kind of took a liking to us really quickly and we wanted to build walls and things like that so that we could afford you know the rents to have roommates there and he’s like just build whatever you want because once he found out that we were sex educators and he’s like…he’s like build whatever you want. We didn’t really realize why he was so excited. But after he came to the first workshop which is called Iron Slut Sex Educators Showdown and he’s sitting there with his partner and I’m about to do a live hand fucking demonstration on Allisson and Allison’s kind of like looking at me and there’s our Superintendent and she’s kind of like whispers to me she’s like “I don’t know that I’m really cool with the man who has keys to our apartment watching me get hand fucked right now.” I’m like “It’s gonna be okay because you’re gonna peg me later” and she’s like “How does that make it different?” And a half an hour later I’m on my hands and knees facing our Superintendent and Allie’s like lubing up the cock and we’re walking talking and teaching through it and all of a sudden I’m like “I’m about to be entered” and I make eye contact with our Superintendent and while Allison is talking and talking about you know how to get huge dildo into somebody’s ass I look at him and I’m like….I’m mouth silently “Are you okay?” And almost like a spy he goes

[Laughter] [Applause]

As Allison’s entering me and I’m like “I have found my home.” And we throw many workshops there; we throw many gatherings of sex geeks and sex educators and sex-positive folk; we throw many…many…many orgies. And then one day Allison sat me down and she’s like “I think I need to leave Oakland.” I’m like “What? But…but honey this is so like this is…this is our place.” She’s like “It’s…it’s time for me to leave.” I’m like “Why?” And she’s like “It’s really noisy in this huge loft.” Which is basically made completely out of wood it was like an old mechanical you know building with a…built like ammunition boxes back whenever but it was all built out of wood so it was kind of like living in a piano soundboard, so wherever there was sound it just got amplified and there was all these arts and all the ceilings was really beautiful and Allison’s like “I…I… ‘It’s really noisy here. I need something more peaceful and more quiet.” And I’m like “but…but it’s always quiet like I…you sleep in every morning” and for Allison morning is like eleven and for me morning is like 7:30am, 8:30 maybe…maybe 9am and I really like morning sex really…really like morning sex. And when we decided to move in together we had this really serious conversation I’m like “Okay so we’re gonna live together, we’re gonna be adults, we’re gonna have this like big adult conversations like what is sacred to you?” And she’s like “Sleep.”

[People laughing]

I’m like “Good, got it.” She’s like “What’s sacred to you?” I’m like “Fuckin!” She’s like “Good, got it.” I’m like “How do we make this work because as we started like living together it was obvious that like me having morning sex being a queer polyamorous slut with a lot of friends and a lot of lovers like morning sex inside a piano soundboard was impossible.” And for me, I as a relationship geek I don’t really talk about or think about like “compromise” now everyone do air quotes….now do dirty air quotes.

[People laughing]

Like there’s no “compromise” in healthy relationships there’s this idea of what’s sacred and kind of if you’ve ever read Rilke and Letters To A Young Poet it’s like this…this idea of like I want to be the guardian of your solitude and for me the solitude means what sacred to you and for Allison was like “Sleep” and I was like “Okay great. I’ll forego morning sex so that you can sleep in but the minute you’re up it is on.” And that seemed okay because I travelled a lot for sex education and for work and things like that and I was like “Okay like I’ll go have my 8:00 am morning sex or my 3:00 am in the morning kind of blowjob sex or whatever that is like of the middle of the night sex ‘coz Allison and I are both like notoriously good at just sleeping through the entire night so it’s like “Good night!” “Good night!” [Snoring sound] and people are like “Don’t you like wake up and have like you know sex in the middle of the night?” I’m like “We’ve been together 10 years that has happened once.” “Why? Don’t you love each other? Are you finding each other hot?” “Yes but you know what? We find more hot sleep.” And so we just sleep through the night and so all of a sudden we’re like living there and it’s like you know I would forego this morning sex. She would wake up and then I would bang my friend who slept there over the night before or we try to have like…like ninja morning sex? Which never goes well just don’t do that but it never really bothered me because I was the guardian of Allison’s…Allison solitude sleep and she would never get shamed by me for sleeping in ever and she in return never shamed me for being slutty in the ways that I was slutty and it worked out really well but then all of the sudden she’s like “We need to leave Oakland.” I’m like “Why?” She’s like “Because it’s too noisy.” I’m like “But I don’t have morning sex. You’re sleeping all the time. I don’t want to leave Oakland.” She’s like “I need to leave. Will you come with me?”

Now something that you don’t know about me is that my Mom and Dad loved each other very…very much, they shared that special hug for times, me and my three brothers grew up watching people who would…we catch making out in the kitchen, making out in the living room, cuddling on the couch slowly with their inabilities to be able to communicate their wants, needs, and desires tear each other apart. My Father would start to lose his feat, the family business and not tell anybody he lied a lot ‘coz he wanted to save face, my mom couldn’t cope with the…the all the miscommunication, she became an alcoholic and then one day brother called me up and he goes, “Mom and Dad lost the house.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” He was like “I just read it in the paper it’s up for auction on Saturday.” And I’m like, “I bet you mom doesn’t know.” In my time…at that time my brother and me were both really pissed at my Dad for a bunch of lying stuff and I’m like “Who gets to tell Mom?” And he’s like “I do. I found out.” I’m like ahhh “Okay.” And sure enough my dad had lost the house, it was up for auction. So I grew up in a family where things got really fucked up and then my mom and dad lost the house and then they lived in their van for a couple of years. And all of the sudden Allison’s like “I need to leave Oakland. I think we should buy a house.” And I’m like “Ooh, so what would that need to look like?” And we almost both said simultaneously “We need a house where you can fuck your brains out and it won’t bother me.” and I’m like “Yes! Now I’m on board.”

Flash-forward two we throw into the bat-computer a bunch of what we need for our businesses in sex educators and writers and things like that and now spits Portland. Welcome to lovely Portland. We have one of the greatest airports in the world, voted number one airport in the world forever, we have trees and peace and quiets and Allison sets out to start finding houses. Her main goal, we need a house we can have orgies in and we can have morning sex in and I can sleep undisturbed. We find a house and it’s time for the inspection, the offer gets received. I’m waiting for all my mom and dad craziness to come up like all the like “Ahhh! I’m gonna lose the house” ‘coz now that I have a house we could lose a house. And I’m just waiting I’m just waiting I’m just waiting we’re doing the inspection Allison and I are walking into rooms some and we would like intentionally walk into rooms before the other one being like “How…whoa this is s a lovely room honey! Could you hear me?” And the whole time they’re like real estate agents coming along with us and being like “You two are kind of weird” but they were recommended to us from a kinky ed you know kinky real estate agent and so we’re like “Do…do you know what we do?” And she’s like “I’ve googled you” and with those words I’m like “We’re looking for a house I can have orgies in that won’t bother the neighbors and where Allison can sleep” and she’s like “Too much information but I get what you mean.”

And so now the offer gets accepted, Allison and I are unloading the…the moving truck and now the neighbors come over and all…all I can think of is like “Meet the Sex Geeks!” And I heard them talking to us Allison and I are just like loading things in and they’re  like so eventually it’s like “So what do you two do?” And they seemed like nice people they all have kids in my head I’m like “Oh this won’t end well” but I’m like “Well you know Allison and I both do lecturing at colleges you know sexual assault prevention things like that. If you ever have any questions or situations from your kids that feel too weird send them to us, Allison and I are like this is the stuff that we specialize in” and the whole time like “Please…please let that like just kind of anchor that they are safe ones.” They waved goodbye, they delivered the cookies that they baked I’m like “Oh, they’re so nice.” We go inside, we close the door and then now it’s time to actually test that we own the house now but now it’s time to actually test it out and we’re going from room to room, Allison’s in the master bedroom and I’m like “Haaaa…haaaa…haaaa!” Do with me a little bit haaaa…ahhhhhhhh! “Honey can you hear me?” And she’s like “Yep that was really loud.” I’m like “Fuck ‘coz that was the big room that could have been my office fuck.” Because obviously where my office is because I do morning interviews and things like that like I need to have that be a place that has some soundproofing but then that’s also where the guest bed will go. And I go into the next room and go “Haaaa…haaaa…haaaaa…haaaahhhh! How was that?” She’s like “That’s great. I can hardly hear you.” I’m like “Really? Oh my goodness, this will be my office.” And she literally she comes running in like all aglow she’s like “I did good job I found a good house for us.” I’m like “We found a really good house for us.” And then that’s when I really got like “Duh, I’ve been with this person for ten years and you know we’ve had a lot of sex, she’s…watched me have a lot of sex like I’ve been with new lovers in our bed back in Oakland and she’s like [knocking sound] “I just need to get come in and get…get something” she runs in and I’m like  my…my new lovers like “What’s going on?” and Allison’s like ‘Hi, I just need to get this. Do you guys need anything lube or water anything like that?” And…and new lovers like “No” and then Allison leaves and like we’re fucking again and new lover’s like “Is that like how it’s always like is that normal?” And I’m like “Yeah, that’s totally normal like this is….that’s Allison my lovely partner.” And as we’re sitting in what will now be my office and like and I’m getting like I’m really getting emotional because you know Allison sees my emotion she’s like “Is this…is this your mom and dad stuff? Like are you afraid? Like what’s going on?” And I’m like “I just know that you love me because I don’t think when people buy house is they go around making orgasm noises to figure out which room gonna be their office.” And so whatever relationships that you practice, my bit of advice to end with is look for not what you can compromise on but what you’re willing to hold sacred for your partner and defend and be the guardian of that solitude.

Thank you!


{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Brickmover April 15, 2021 at 2:38 am

Sex in the office! That is exciting and holy!


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